In Search of Redemption
by Zencreation
Summary: SXS Pairing, Squall makes the unpleasant discovery that Destiny has not finished with him yet. In order to save the future and his lover, he must travel to the past, but if he changes the past, his future is doomed. Will he make the ultimate sacrifice?
1. Memories of the Past

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters from Final Fantasy VIII, they are the sole property of Squaresoft, but I do own all of the lil plastic characters with which I act out some of the more "interesting" scenes that I write. I know I know…Sicko!

**In Search of Redemption**

**(Chapter One)**

**Memories of the Past**

**(Squall)**

He stood on the balcony again; watching the stars, remembering how he had tried so hard to be the man that she'd wanted him to be. Too often he'd gone out there to try to recapture exactly what it had felt like to stand there with her, but, in the end, he always ended up thinking about what went wrong. How she'd just sighed one day, and said she was tired of playing guessing games with him. He could have told her that he knew how she was feeling. He could have even told her that he was sorry. But, what came out of his mouth instead had been…"Whatever."

The look in her eyes at that moment had been one of pure shock, and, within the week, she'd packed her things and left. He still didn't understand why he'd said that, or why he had never apologized for it later. Of course, that wasn't unusual: he'd never known how to deal with others. That was the way it'd always been. After all, what use was it to try and understand things that would only hurt him in the end?

Sighing heavily, he raked a hand through his hair and left the balcony. Thinking about Rinoa only made him feel worse; it was just another failure to add to his collection.

'If Seifer were here, he'd never let me live it down.' The thought of Seifer made him feel uncomfortable - both angry and nostalgic simultaneously - and caused a bitter smile to quirk his lips. He could almost hear his rival's voice, "Damn, Squall and I thought that I was the asshole, here!"

Confused by his conflicting emotions, he shook his head, a frown quickly replacing the rare smile. For a moment he'd…almost missed Seifer's presence.

Shaking his head again, he decided that what he needed was a good workout to clear his mind. Alone, he made his way through the silent Garden halls, headed for the Training Center. His footsteps echoing off the walls were an oddly comforting sound.

'I like it when it's this way.'

No bubbly Selphie trying to cheer him up and draw him out with her cutesy girlish drivel.

No hyper active Zell who never stopped talking unless there was a plate full of hotdogs in front of him.

No holier-than-thou Quistis trying to analyze him with her, seemingly endless, strings of psychobabble.

No hormone-driven Irvine espousing the ample virtues of every female student at Garden.

No social butterfly Rinoa trying to drag him to some social function, denying him his precious solitude.

No clumsy Laguna endlessly apologizing for his seventeen-year absence and sudden reappearance.

No selfish Headmaster Cid trying to get him to take over his job.

No guilt-ridden Matron seeking to make amends for events beyond her control.

And, best of all, no arrogant Seifer trying to make his life a living hell.

Punching in the code for the Training Center, he made his way inside. Yet, even as he slashed through the endless stream of Grats in his path, his thoughts remained with Seifer.

Although it was good not to have Seifer tormenting him, he couldn't help but miss the challenge that his rival had presented. The only other gunblader in Balamb Garden, Seifer had been the yardstick by which he had measured his progress. Now that Seifer was gone, he no longer had a worthy sparring partner.

With that thought, he decided to call it a night, despite the fact that he'd barely even worked up a sweat. For that, he would have to kill every monster in the Training Center, something that he had sworn that he'd never do again, having had his privileges taken away for a month, and been forced to replace the monsters from the wild, the last time.

He exited the Training Center and walked slowly through the empty halls, listening contentedly to their lonely echo.

Suddenly, he froze dead in his tracks, the hairs on the back of his neck rising and perspiration gathering on his forehead. The feeling of being watched was unmistakable. Slowly, he turned around; scanning every doorway and fleeting shadow for the source of his discomfort. However, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he resumed his way back to his dorm room.

'I'm losing it.'

**(End chapter one)**

**A/N:** Okay the first of a many chapter story; hope you liked it so far… Praise will be shouted from the rooftops! Flames will just be shouted at!


	2. The Knight's Return

**In Search of Redemption**

**(Chapter 2)**

**The Knight's Return**

**(Seifer)**

'Hyne, someone's coming! …Who the hell would be up at this hour?'

He'd snuck into Garden using the old pass code from his days in the Disciplinary Committee. Of course, the Faculty had disabled his student ID, but, fortunately, they'd forgotten that he'd access to the codes…the ones that opened every door in Garden. Careless of them, when you thought about it, but hey, he certainly wasn't going to complain. It gave him access - that was all he was worried about.

However, he hadn't planned on the person now striding towards him. Had the Faculty employed a night watchman in his absence? Or was this just a student deliberately disobeying the rules? If so, the part of him that had belonged to the Disciplinary Committee wanted to jump out and scare the pea brain shitless. To his credit, though, he resisted the urge.

As the footsteps drew ever closer, he slipped behind a pillar. Hidden in its dark shadow, fists clenched at his sides, suddenly, he missed Hyperion more than ever before. But he'd given it up. Never again would he raise his weapon to wage war. He was a broken and bitter man, yes, but not enough to cause more hurt than he already had. He was there for one reason and one reason alone, and once that was resolved - for better or worse - he'd decide what to do with his life.

His nails dug painfully into his palms as he waited for the person to come down the hall. Flushed, sweat pouring down his face, he felt he was going to hyperventilate. But that was all part of his affliction. Anxiety attacks, the doctors had told him. 'Hyne, why am I here?

Suddenly, he caught sight of a familiar fur-trimmed leather jacket, causing him to suck in his breath. No, it couldn't be…could it? Could the very reason he was at Garden be walking down the hall towards him?

Narrowing his eyes as Squall approached, he searched for any sign that his former rival was suffering ill effects from the battle with Ultimecia. The closer Squall came, the more apprehensive Seifer got. Maybe he should just forget about doing what he was here to do? Wouldn't it be better that way, if he just…faded out of memory?

Perhaps he'd been staring too hard at Squall, because, suddenly, the younger man seemed to realize that he was being watched. Anxious, he did his best to shrink inside the shadow that hid him, but it wasn't easy with Squall standing but a few feet away. Part of him wanted him to be discovered, but, rationally, that was not a good idea.

He watched from the gloom as Squall shook his head and continued down the hallway.

Only after Squall was out of sight did he exhale and allow the shakes to consume him. It was always the same. Whenever he became nervous or anxious, he'd get uncontrollable shakes that left him physically and emotionally drained. 'Damn you Ultimecia. Damn you for doing this to me.'

He sank to the floor and drew his knees up to his chest, waiting for the shakes to finally end. Silently, he rocked himself back and forth, wanting to sob out loud, but not daring to while he was in Garden.

Yes, a broken and bitter man. That's all that has become of the mighty Seifer Almasy.

He must have dozed off while he waited, because he woke with a start at the squeaking of the wheels on the janitor's trolley. Knowing that he'd been discovered, he instantly began to shake once again. There was nothing he could do. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable…

The slightly accented voice of Allen Jones the janitor interrupted Seifer's fatalistic thoughts. "Well now, what do we have here? Could it really be you, Seifer? Gracious me, boy, you don't look too good."

He looked up at the janitor's kind face. Discovery had caused the shakes to become unbearable.

Allen watched the once-proud student quietly, feeling an overwhelming sense of pity for the young man. He was aware that Seifer had become Ultimecia's plaything, but never in a million years had he thought the boy foolish enough to return to Garden. Allen shook his head - if Seifer were discovered, the consequences would be serious.

Gently, he took one of Seifer's arms, draping it across his shoulders. Helping Seifer stand was a difficult job, because the boy couldn't seem to stop shaking. Slowly, Allen guided him back to the janitor's quarters. He'd decide what to do with him later, after he found out what Seifer was doing in Garden.

He could hardly believe that Allen hadn't raised the alarm, and was, instead, helping him to the janitor's quarters and lying him down on the bed. This had to be one of the hallucinations that he suffered from. Yet, that couldn't be so, because the experience wasn't horrible. There was no blood, no screaming, no mocking laughter. Nothing except for a nice soft bed, and a cold rag on his forehead. Sighing heavily, he surrendered to sleep.

Allen watched the poor boy slip into unconsciousness. He knew that he'd have to notify Headmaster Cid about Seifer's presence…but he didn't have to do it right away. Yes, he'd let Seifer get some strength back before making him face the firing squad, as it were.

Allen allowed his unexpected visitor to sleep through the day, and, near sundown, Seifer began showing signs of consciousness.

Rousing himself from his slumber was difficult, however. Although his body craved food, his mind was content to remain locked in blissful sleep. There, he was safe from danger - a rarity for him.

Allen watched Seifer stir from his slumber, the young man coming close to consciousness, before finally drifting back off. He wanted Seifer to wake up and eat something - the boy was much too thin. Allen waved strong coffee under his visitor's nose, lifting the lid from a tray of food. The answering growl from Seifer's stomach told him that the body was paying attention, at least. He suddenly remembered that Seifer smoked, having bummed enough cigarettes off of him in years gone by, so, thinking quickly, he lit one and blew the smoke into Seifer's face…

His eyes twitched and then opened. Startled by Allen's close proximity, he jumped reflexively, unable to stop himself. He, the mighty Seifer Almasy jumped, and the look of shame that crossed his face made Allen feel better about helping him out.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to wake up," Allen said, with a smile. "I brought you some dinner, and don't try and tell me that you aren't hungry, because I can hear your stomach growling."

Seifer watched as Allen sat down in a worn recliner, cigarette smoke curling around his head like a halo. Not knowing what else to do, he reached for the tray and began to eat.

**(Allen)**

A few weeks later, Seifer was becoming strong again. The weight that he'd lost was not as noticeable as it had been, and his mind seemed to be more at ease. Over the course of the month, he'd come to learn that Seifer had been having a rough time of things, unable to go anywhere without people recognizing him as the Sorceress's Knight.

With no one willing to give him a job, because they were afraid of him and what he was capable of, Seifer had relied on the kindness of strangers - the ones that hadn't recognized him - to get by. However, they'd always managed to find out who he was, and what he'd been, quickly turning against him. Allen didn't want to press the boy, but he knew that Seifer couldn't stay in the janitor's quarters indefinitely.

He had a tough choice to make. Should he tell Cid about Seifer's presence and take the consequences, or should he try to convince the boy to go to Cid himself? Neither option would be easy on Seifer.

"Seifer?" Allen began, carefully watching the boy's face, "I think maybe we should talk about what to do next."

"Next?" came Seifer's reply.

Allen knew that Seifer wasn't going to like what he had to say, but there was no getting around it. Making his decision, he sat down in his recliner and turned so that he could look Seifer in the face. "I think that you should talk to Cid. He's a good man, Seifer. One that I know wouldn't turn you away. Perhaps if you talked to him, Cid would reinstate you as a student, here."

Allen watched the emotions that fleeted across Seifer's face: confusion, anger, and, finally, despair.

"I can't be a student here anymore. To be a student you understand that you do so in order to become a SeeD. I'm done with that, Allen, I washed out, I failed," utter misery filled Seifer's eyes as he said this.

Allen shook his head in disappointment. "Just think about it, okay? I'm not going to make you do this; you've got to decide on your own. But whatever you choose to do, you must do it soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep hiding you here…"

**(End chapter 2)**

**A/N:** Yay! Another Chappie done! Don't forget to place all trash in the appropriate containers and leave a review! All Praise will be given Ice Cream! All Flames will be left in the cold!


	3. Of Hyperion and Birthdays

**In Search of Redemption **

**Chapter 3**

**Of Hyperion and Birthdays**

It felt good to get away from Garden, even if it was just a messenger job. He would have eaten fish if it put an end to the monotony.

Of course, Fisherman's Horizon wouldn't have been his first choice in places he wanted to revisit. There were just too many memories here.

But, even as he walked the familiar streets, those memories didn't seem quite so dismal. What happened between himself and Rinoa had been his own fault. He had already accepted the responsibility for that, so he pushed the thoughts from his mind to concentrate on his mission. However dull and boring, it was still a mission that needed to be accomplished.

As he walked down the boardwalk, he passed by an antiquities shop. Trinket filled tables lined the walls near the door. He paused for a moment to admire a few, when his eyes were suddenly blinded by sunlight striking metal. Shielding his eyes to the glare, he looked in the display window trying to find the source.

His hand dropped and his eyes became wide as he stared dumbfounded at the gunblade hanging in the window.

Not believing his eyes, he charged through the shop's open door. Grabbing the clerk by the shirtfront, he half dragged the poor man over the counter.

"Where did you get that?" he hissed through clenched teeth. One hand holding the man's collar, the other indicating the gunblade in the window. The sudden fury that Squall was feeling shocked him. But he couldn't seem to help himself. When he realized that the clerk hadn't answered him because he had turned a lovely shade of purple, Squall let go of the poor man who crumpled behind the counter.

'_Oh shit! Did I kill him?'_ the thought drove him around the counter to check.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the clerk wasn't dead after all, just scared witless, lying on the floor covering his face with his hands.

Squall knelt beside the clerk and watched the man's uneven breathing. Satisfied that he wasn't going to have a heart attack from the shock, he tried again. "Where did you get the gunblade in the window?"

The clerk peered at Squall through his fingers. "About a year ago a man brought it in and sold it to me," he whimpered. "I didn't do nothing mister, if it was stolen I'm sorry.

Squall ran his hands though his hair. _'A year ago?'_ he thought.

He reached for the clerk intending on helping him stand, but he yanked his hand back when the clerk jumped, obviously afraid that he was going to start choking him again.

"P-Please don't hurt me," the man sputtered as he scooted across the floor away from Squall.

'_Oh Hyne,'_ thought Squall, _'can this day get any more screwed up?'_ He had been feeling so good about being outside of Garden's walls, then this shit went and happened. He would be lucky if the man didn't press charges against him. That would look really good on his record.

'_Hello, my name is Squall and I'm a SeeD from Garden, I tend to assault shop clerks for no apparent reason, but hey, I saved the world so you can overlook that right?'_

A sardonic smirk played on his lips and he shook his head. Hyne if he didn't know any better he would swear he was becoming bitter.

He sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry," he muttered. Seeing that the clerk wasn't moving, he made his way over to the display window.

The gunblade hung there with sunlight winking off of its bright metal. The name Hyperion clearly etched onto the blade.

Squall hung his head. What was Hyperion doing here? Had Seifer died? Had someone killed him and sold Hyperion for more money? These were questions to which he had no answers, and that made him angry. He knew that Seifer wouldn't have let Hyperion go without a fight. That was just his style.

A slight shuffling noise behind Squall alerted him that the clerk had finally gotten to his feet.

"Can you recall who brought in this weapon," he asked without turning. The clerk would probably feel safer if he didn't look at him even though the former anger in his voice was no longer present.

"It was a long time ago mister," he croaked "I don't remember what the man looked like or anything, just that it was an unusual weapon. I wasn't interested in it at first, until he told me that it had once belonged to a Sorceress's Knight. H-hey mister, it didn't belong to you did it?"

Squall could hear even more fear rise in the clerk's voice. He remained quiet though just watching Hyperion as it swayed slightly in the breeze coming through the open door.

Did it belong to me? Well technically yes it did, by right of combat. But that wasn't the point.

Silently he took down Hyperion and glanced at the small price tag attached to the grip. His eyes widened slightly. It would cost him over a month's pay to purchase it, but he knew he couldn't walk away without it.

He took it to the counter and watched as the clerk went pale, backpedaling so fast that he slammed into the back wall knocking a few things off of the shelving there.

'_Great, he thinks I'm going to kill him with it.'_

Squall quickly counted out the appropriate amount, leaving it on the counter, and then exited the shop as fast as he had come in.

As soon as he was a good distance away from the shop, he took off his jacket and wrapped Hyperion in it. When that was finished he moved swiftly through the streets intent on finishing his job as fast as he could so that he could get out of this place and back to Garden with his prize.

As soon as Squall got out of the Garden car, his senses were assaulted by a high-pitched squeal. There was only one person he knew of that could produce such a sound at will. Selphie.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath. What the hell was Selphie doing in the parking garage?

Slowly he turned trying his best to look nonchalant. However, that didn't last long. They were all there. Every last one of them, and Quistis seemed to be holding something that looked suspiciously like a cake, complete with candles.

'_Oh Hyne why me?'_ he thought as he brought up his hand to touch his forehead.

There was no escape. They were like a bunch of rabid hyena's that were looking at their next meal.

"We know that you don't like to celebrate your birthday," began Selphie, "but we just couldn't let the big eighteen pass by without a party. So be good and at least blow out your candles before Zell sets himself on fire."

There was nothing else to do but let them sing Happy Birthday and blow out the candles, which he begrudgingly did.

'_Why can't they just leave me alone? Don't they understand that the reason I don't celebrate my birthday is that it reminds me that I killed my mother? Not to mention that they aren't even sure what day I was born on. They just made and educated guess and put it on my birth certificate.'_

He shook his head slightly, knowing that as well meaning as they were, they could never understand exactly what he felt. Granted part of that reason was because he refused to talk about it, but mostly it was due to the fact that they had never experienced true loss such as he had.

Squall couldn't take it anymore. He stormed out of the parking garage leaving his confused friends in his wake.

After making his report to Cid, he tiredly made his way to the dorms. He felt as if nothing was going right. At least Cid hadn't mentioned his birthday. The man could be insightful at times, or maybe it had just slipped his mind. But for whatever reason Squall was extremely grateful.

Out of habit, he punched in his dorm code without thinking about it. As the door closed behind him, he looked over his room. Rinoa had called it cold and impersonal, but Squall liked it that way. It reflected him.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and unwrapped Hyperion from his jacket. He had never been given the opportunity to study it up close like this. When he had gotten close, enough he was usually trying to defend himself from it.

Looking at it, he discovered that it was much lighter than Lion Heart and had a longer reach. This weapon was built for offensive moves whereas Lion Heart was heavier and thicker, meant for defensive postures. He stood up and swung Hyperion experimentally. Having trained with Lion Heart for so long made this weapon seem outrageously light and hard to control. It would definitely not be his weapon of choice. He was glad that he had chosen Lion Heart. It suited his personality and his fighting style much better.

Seifer on the other hand, would certainly pick such a weapon. Seifer was built for offensive moves and would make good use of such a weapon, and had on many occasions. Training with Seifer was probably one of the only things that he had ever looked forward too. Nothing else that Garden offered made him work quite as hard or feel quite as much as training with Seifer had. Seifer had a way of making him do things that he had never thought possible.

The day that Seifer scarred his face for example, they had been talking about offensive and defensive postures. Seifer had somewhat smugly explained that Squall could never take the offensive because he lacked the power to do so. Squall had decided to prove him wrong in this statement, and switched tactics on Seifer in the middle of training. Seifer had been thrown off by this move and had retaliated using magic. It had been an unfair move, but one that could have been expected from an enemy. What had happened next Squall could scarcely believe. Seifer had taken advantage of Squall's moment of weakness and for the first time ever during a training session, drew blood. Squall had become angrier at that moment than he had ever been in his life and it was in that anger that he marked Seifer as he had been marked.

Squall laid Hyperion on the bed and bent to open Lion Heart's case at his feet. The black and silver of the gunblade stood out in stark relief against the maroon velvet lining. Squall's hands lovingly lingered on the velvet, softly stroking the lining almost as if it were his lover's skin.

Removing Lion Heart, he laid it next to Hyperion on the bed. Even with a year or more of disuse, Hyperion had still maintained its razor sharp edge. It was in serious need of a good cleaning though. Sighing Squall removed his cleaning kit from the case and set about the task of bringing back Hyperion's former beauty.

When he had finished buffing the blade to a wicked shine, it was out of habit that he placed Hyperion into Lion Heart's case. It didn't fit well into the indention that Lion Heart had made in the velvet, being longer and thinner, but it still fit in the case. He stared at it for a long time. Hyperion's lining had been black. He didn't remember how it was that he knew that, he just did. He mentally kicked himself for not asking if the store clerk had the case to Hyperion.

He didn't realize that he was crying until a tear splashed onto Hyperion's gleaming surface. He watched as it rolled down the length of the blade, to be soaked up by the velvet.

'_Damn it Seifer! Why. Why? I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I did. I was always trying but you couldn't see that. You only saw what you wanted to see. Are you happy now? Are you free? Why did you have to die and leave me here alone?'_

A sob escaped him as he let the anger, frustration, and grief wash over him. He wept for the boy he once knew even though he had made life hell. He wept for the rival that without he was alone. He wept for the man he wanted to call friend but never dared. But most of all, he wept for himself. Seifer had been what defined him as a person, and without him here, Squall knew that he was only going through the motions of life and not truly living.

Squall wept for all that had been lost to him over the years until sheer exhaustion overwhelmed him and he fell asleep, one hand still caressing Hyperion and the velvet in which it lay.

**(End Chapter 3)**


	4. Reflections

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 4**

**Reflections**

Seifer sat in Allen's recliner thinking about what the man has said a few days before. He knew that Allen had meant well, it was just that he knew Cid, and Cid would only give him two options. Neither of which Seifer thought he would be able to handle. One was to turn him away in rejection; the other was to offer him the chance to be a student at Garden again.

Seifer stubbed out his cigarette. He knew the time had come to deal with brought him to Garden in the first place. He also knew Allen wouldn't understand so it was best that Seifer left now while Allen was busy working. It wasn't that he was ungrateful for what he had done for him. It was just that he didn't want to explain himself. He wasn't sure he could anyway, even if he tried.

He glanced at the clock that sat above the doorway. 11:58 pm it read. Seifer decided to wait until 2:00 am, when he knew Allen would be busy cleaning up in the Parking Garage, before leaving. Besides, everyone knew that he was lousy at goodbyes. He wasn't even sure he could get a "hello" right, but he was going to try.

The time never moved so slowly. He watched as each passing minute was ticked off, becoming absolutely certain that someone had cast a slow spell on the miserable thing.

12:37 a.m. read the clock. Hyne this was driving him mad! He got up and began to pace the floor, stopping only occasionally to glance at the time. He was beginning to hate that clock!

1:17 a.m. Seifer finally turned his back on the uncooperative time piece and sat down to write Allen a letter of apology for his abrupt departure.

With the letter finished and sealed in an envelope, Seifer looked at the clock. It read 1:22 a.m.

"What?" Seifer's jaw dropped. "Five minutes? Five lousy stinking minutes?"

Before Seifer could even think about what he was doing, he ripped the offending thing off the wall and threw it to the floor. Using both booted feet he jumped on it repeatedly until all that remained were tiny fragments.

His breath came in gasps and his face was flushed with the exertion, but Hyne did he feel good. He had gotten angry and yes, he had lost control, but it wasn't the bad anger that Ultimecia had made him feel. This was what the doctor's would have called a healthy expression of anger. Not so healthy for the clock, but the clock had given its life for a good cause.

Seifer threw back his head and laughed. Something that he felt he was unable to do anymore since the whole Knight thing happened. He was surprised how normal he felt.

So there were pieces of the old Seifer still hanging around. That was a good thing. Wasn't it? And if they were there and he was still able to access them, maybe all was not as lost as he had once feared.

With something as small and stupid as the beating of a defenseless clock, Seifer had begun to discover that Ultimecia had not completely broken him. That there were still parts of the old Seifer that still functioned. And if they still functioned then he could be put back together again.

Grinning like a fool, he picked up the letter he had written Allen, adding hastily on the back, "sorry about the clock."

Feeling better than he had in over a year, he grabbed his trench coat and quietly slipped out the door.

Being careful to avoid Allen, Seifer made his way to the dorms. He was so caught up in trying to keep himself from whistling, that he forgot about being nervous.

When he got to Squall's door, he took a deep breath. It was just like him not to accept a larger dorm room. Trust Squall to be predictable. That made Seifer want to laugh out loud again. He knew Squall like the back of his own hand, like his own reflection in the mirror.

Reflection. Yeah, that was what this was all about. Squall was the reflection of Seifer in every way, his opposite, his rival, and his equal.

But something had changed. Over the last year, Seifer's feelings and emotions seemed to twist everything out of proportion. Everything that happened suddenly had some deep and ominous meaning. He hated the way that he felt. He hated how is mind would play tricks on him. He hated to wake up screaming in the night, with the nightmares, the nightmares about Squall. But most of all he hated Ultimecia. That bitch took everything that he had held sacred and twisted it into something unrecognizable.

At first, everything had been all right. He liked the fact that Edea had chosen him for her Knight. It had made him feel special and wanted. He had accepted her black poison without a fight, until he had discovered that Ultimecia was in control of Edea. Then things began to change. He still did her bidding, but not out of any sense of loyalty, or respect, but out of fear. Not for himself but for someone who he thought of as more important than his own life. She had somehow managed to scan his most secret inner thoughts and feelings, those that he kept hidden from everyone. She took those thoughts and feelings and nearly crushed him with them, because those thoughts were not pure. She had made him feel shameful and dirty, and as a punishment, she would make him kill Squall over and over in his dreams. There was no escape. His mind was her playground and she knew it. It was never the same dream. He had killed Squall hundreds of times in different ways. And as the light would fade from Squall's eyes, he would scream in rage and pain unimaginable because he would feel everything that Squall had felt. In essence, he was killing himself.

In the end, it was this that had finally driven Seifer over the edge of sanity, and why he had to run away from everyone after his defeat. Dreaming of destroying Squall was one thing but facing him in battle had been quite another, for if he had won, he would have destroyed himself.

That is why he couldn't bear to look at Hyperion anymore. The first few days after his defeat, all he did was look at Hyperion and see the blood staining its surface, Squall's blood. He had tried to clean it, but no matter how he buffed and shined, the blood remained there. He remembered asking Raijin and Fujin if they could clean the blood off of Hyperion's blade, and they had both looked at him in sympathy. Raijin had sat down beside him and said, "There isn't anything on it, ya know?" And poor Fujin had doubled up her fist and threw out her arm in a gesture of finality and said in her eloquence, "NOTHING!"

Seifer knew they were just trying to be kind, by saying that they couldn't see the blood. But it was there he knew it and they knew it too.

After sitting on the docks all night, Seifer had come to the decision that he must sell Hyperion. It was too painful a reminder that he had lost everything that had meant something to him.

Oh yes, something had changed. And that something was Seifer.

The doctors in Esthar wanted to put him in an institution for a while, and Seifer knew he probably needed to be put in one, but damn it, not before he saw Squall again. He had to see him, if only to tell him that he was sorry. He had to be able to look Squall in the eyes and see for himself that they weren't cold and lifeless.

Seifer's hand shook a little as he punched in the pass code. This was it, the moment that had kept him going for the last several months. This one moment that had become his only reason for still breathing.

As the door silently slid open, Seifer began to feel the first signs of an impending anxiety attack. He had to control it. He wouldn't let it get the better of him. He did not fight the odds to come here only to be stopped by some stupid butterflies in his stomach.

He stepped inside and allowed the door to slide closed behind him. His fists were clenched and his chest was trying to tell him that there was something heavy sitting on it. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to force himself to breath normally. But without the faint light from the hallway, the feeling of being trapped threatened to overwhelm him. His palms were slick with sweat, and he suddenly felt as if all his blood had rushed to his hands and feet. He was starting to feel lightheaded but he didn't dare move until his eyes had adjusted to the darkness. His knees decided that they just were not going to cooperate. They began to shake violently until they could no longer support his weight.

He took a few stumbling steps forward and came crashing down on the bed. The cold, empty and nameless fear that held Seifer in its grip, wracked his body with shaking so violent that it took what strength Seifer had left just to pull his knees up to his chest. The soothing black calm of oblivion beckoned to him, and Seifer ran to it with open arms. His last coherent thought being that he was glad the bed had been empty.

**(End Chapter 4)**


	5. The Ghost of Seifer Past

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 5**

**The Ghost of Seifer Past**

Squall was drunk, and he knew it. But hey, isn't that what you were supposed to do at a wake? He smirked as he raised the bottle to his lips again. How many times had he refused to go out drinking with Zell and Irvine? And all because he was afraid that he might lose control, and say or do something that would be unforgivable. Or was it that he was afraid that he might actually have a good time, and then if he had a good time, they would want him to go with them again.

"A vicious cycle," he slurred to Hyperion that stood propped up against the railing in front of him.

He leaned his head back against the wall behind him and watched the moonlight twinkle off the ocean waves as Garden passed over them.

Squall sighed heavily. This was the last time he would find himself here on the balcony. He had decided that he needed some time away from Garden. There were just too many questions to which he did not have the answers for. Not to mention that there were at least half a dozen people that expected him to know those answers. Why did everyone around him think that he should know everything? He never claimed to. But they still looked to him whenever they needed help. It was unfair for them to do that.

Sure, they cared about him, and they would probably miss him when he was gone. But maybe that is what they needed to wake them up to the fact that everyone leaves eventually, one way or another. And sometimes they left without even saying goodbye.

Damn it was there no end to the guilt he felt inside? Was there no way for him to forget? There was just too much that he felt responsible for, but in that responsibility, there came a measure of accountability. And the truth of the matter was that if he wasn't held accountable then who would be?

Yes, he had saved the world but not out of any sense of duty or honor like people wanted to believe, but because no one else could. He was sure that he had been born with that purpose in mind. But now that he had fulfilled his destiny where did that leave him now? Did destiny just leave you to pick up the pieces when it has finished with you?

Tears stung his eyes as he gazed at Hyperion.

Yes, destiny left you to pick up the pieces. Seifer was proof of that. He couldn't imagine what Seifer must have been feeling. Guilt? That would probably be an understatement.

'_Perhaps we were kindred spirits after all,'_ he thought as he tipped back the bottle and swallowed the last dregs from the bottom. Then staggered to his feet, he reached back and threw the bottle as far out to sea as he could.

His chest felt heavy with emotions that he couldn't put a name to. He didn't even try. He knelt in front of Hyperion and laid his forehead against the cold metal of the blade, and allowed the tears to fall.

" I feel like there should be more to your eulogy than just Goodbye, but I just don't know the words Seifer. There are not enough words in this world to describe what you meant to me. All I know is now that you are gone there is a void in me that I don't know how to fill and it hurts. I can think of nothing but you and what you must have been going through. Why didn't you come back? Pride? Anger? Fear? You should have come back, we could have fixed things, made everything okay again, but you didn't. You left without a trace and now all I am left with is this empty place and the gunblade you once wielded.

Angrily he swiped at the tears on his face, determined that he was going to face this as he would have faced Seifer.

"You made my life hell, but I think I understand why now. I think that perhaps we were kindred in more than just guilt. You couldn't express your feelings anymore than I can. So, you Bastard… I will do the one thing for you that in life you couldn't do yourself. I will say Goodbye my Friend. May you find the peace in death that you could not find in life."

Squall got to his feet and breathed in the cold sea air. He felt better than he had, but he knew that there were still a few things that he had to take care of before he would really begin to get over this.

He would leave a letter for Cid in his dorm room, pack a few things and then head into Balamb to pick up Lion Heart from the repair shop, but where he would go after that he wasn't sure. Maybe he would go to Esthar for a little while and try to make peace with Laguna. Uhh, maybe not, he wanted to make himself feel better not worse, and listening to Laguna try and explain again why he had left him at the orphanage wasn't going to do that.

Well, perhaps he would visit Winhill, and see his mother's grave. Oh, whom was he kidding? That would be just as depressing as a visit to Laguna.

Squall sighed and picked up Hyperion. There was no use sitting here just thinking about things. It was time for action.

Squall staggered to the dorm hall, stopping to lean against the wall for a minute so that the Garden would stop spinning. "What a picture I would make for Selphie's scrapbook," he whispered to himself and suppressed a snicker that threatened to echo throughout Garden.

'_And here we see Squall Leonhart, the one time SeeD Commander, drunk off his ass and attempting to make it back to his room before he gets caught breaking Garden's rules. Aww, isn't he just the cutest thing?'_

Squall had to try very hard to keep himself from busting out in laughter. Sometimes he swore his mind took him in some pretty strange directions but when his mind began to imitate Selphie, it was almost too much. Maybe he was cracking up under the pressure. Well, all the more reason to leave Garden if he was.

Heaving himself away from the wall, he walked unsteadily to his dorm door. He had to try twice before he got his code punched in correctly. His head was already feeling ten times as heavy as it should have been, and he was having difficulty keeping his eyes open. The walk from the balcony to his dorm tired him out.

With the door finally open, he tried his best to put Hyperion into the gunblade case, but wasn't having much luck because he didn't turn the light on. Giving up, he leaned Hyperion against the case, which immediately fell over with a loud thump and taking with it Hyperion which in turn clattered to the floor to lie beside the case.

"Shhh," said Squall with one gloved finger pressed over his big goofy grin. He would never know how much he resembled Laguna at that moment, and had someone pointed it out to him, he would have probably denied it until his dying day.

Without bothering to undress, he stumbled over to the bed. His shins making contact heavily with the foot of the bed caused him to fall face first on the mattress. _'Funny,' _he thought, _'this mattress sure is a lot lumpier than I re…mem'_...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Seifer slowly made his way to the land of conscious thought. There were some really puzzling sensations that he was becoming aware of. Why did he feel like someone was sitting on his chest? And what in blue blazes was that annoying noise? The closer he came out of the spiraling darkness, the more he was aware of, like the fact that he could smell alcohol.

'_Shit, I must have gotten myself plastered again. I hope whoever this is on top of me is better looking than the last one. Hyne, waking up to that was worse than the hangover.'_ Seifer attempted to move only to discover that the person who was on top of him had his arms pinned down. _'Funny, I don't feel like I have been drinking. And this person is snoring!'_ He rudely and roughly rolled the person to the side without opening his eyes. He didn't want to see what he was waking up with. Turning his back to the sleeping form, he dared to open one of his eyes.

Last night came back to him in a rush that made his head swim as much as a hangover would have.

'_Oh, Shit!'_ his body stiffened and he broke out in a cold sweat. _'Oh, sweet Hyne! I'm in Squalls room. I came here last night… I passed out… so that must mean that…'_

Seifer cautiously sat half way up and peered over his shoulder to observe a softly snoring and very well sauced Squall, still wearing his jacket, gloves and boots. Seifer's eyes widened and immediately he rolled back over. It was too late to go back now. The sun had already risen and that meant that the Garden was alive with activity. He had no choice but to stay here. But Hyne, what if Squall woke up? Seifer doubted that with a hangover Squall was going to be in a forgiving mood.

A knock at the door made Seifer nearly jump out of his skin. _'Oh no! This is not happening!'_ Seifer jumped up and dashed into the bathroom. Practically diving into the bathtub, he hid himself behind the curtain. His breath coming in hard heaves. He could hear the visitor knocking again, more loudly this time.

Squall moaned and opened his eyes, immediately regretting it. The bright sunlight streaming into the room lanced through his eyes spearing his brain, causing blinding flashes of white-hot pain to slice through his head. He moaned louder and put his hands over his eyes. His mouth tasted like something had died in it and his tongue felt furry.

Then the knock came again, and Squall wanted to scream. Each staccato knock reverberated in his skull and rattled his brain. He sat up and crawled slowly off of the bed and onto the floor. Inching his way to the door on his hands and knees, Squall just knew he was going to die.

Reaching the wall, he passed his hand over the pass plate to activate the door, and slumped back onto the floor.

Quistis stood in the door way not seeing Squall at first. "Hello?" she called quietly, but even that noise was too much for Squall who moaned in pain on the floor. When she saw Squall, she immediately knelt beside him to see if he was okay. The smell of alcohol that lingered on Squall surprised her. She had thought that Squall never touched the stuff. He was always refusing to go out with Zell and Irvine, so why now?

She shook her head and laid a cool hand on his cheek, smiling as she felt the roughness of his stubble. She had always wondered what Squall looked like in the mornings and despite the obvious hangover that the Commander was suffering from, he still looked good to her and it only made her wish all the more that he returned her feelings.

Squall opened one eye and looked up into the sappy expression that Quistis had on her face. _'Uh Oh,'_ he thought_, 'This can't be good.'_ He moved away from her hand, and crawled quickly to the bathroom and shut the door.

Quistis watched him go and sighed. She had seen the cold look he had tried to hide. There was no use denying it. Squall Leonhart was a cold bastard that wouldn't know true love if it came up and bit him on the ass.

Squall felt as if all his insides had liquefied and wanted to come out as he knelt in praise to the porcelain god. Heave after heave left him feeling weak and about three steps from death. When he was sure there was nothing left from last nights little party, he stood up slowly, bracing himself against the wall. A moment of dizziness swept over him, but at least he had made it to his feet without keeling over dead. He stared at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror and wondered for the hundredth time if death might not be more merciful than his hangover. He brushed his teeth and swallowed about a dozen aspirin. He knew he was in no shape to try and shave, and his legs wouldn't support him for a shower just yet, so he decided to just lie down until he either died or his head actually regained its normal size. Using the wall as both a guide and a support, he found his way back to the waiting bed.

Quistis sat in the chair next to the bed, but Squall couldn't look at her. It took all his energy just to walk from the bathroom and toss himself onto the bed. Lying on his back with an arm draped across his eyes, he decided that he had better find out what Quistis wanted if he was ever going to get some peace.

"Okay Quistis, what was it that you wanted," he said wearily.

"Headmaster Cid wanted to see you Squall. Apparently, there was some sort of problem with your last mission. But I will tell him that you are sick. There's no need for you to go in your condition."

'_Some sort of problem with my last mission… oh no… the shopkeeper! He did press charges! Somehow, he found out who I was and now is pressing charges against me. Well isn't that just grand!'_

Squall groaned. "Don't tell Cid I'm sick Quistis, please? Just tell him that I have something I need to take care of and that I will see him in a couple of hours okay?" He hated to plead with her like this but he didn't want Cid to think that he was trying to avoid him. Especially since what he wanted to be seen for was so serious.

"Alright Squall, I will. But you have to tell me something first okay?"

'_Great here it comes, the inevitable questions from Quistis. Oh Hyne, why couldn't it have been Zell or Irvine who had delivered the message? At least they would have been sympathetic enough not to ask questions. Not while I am in my current state anyway.' _

"You haven't been yourself lately Squall. You're irritable and moody, even for you. You don't talk to us voluntarily so I am taking the opportunity to ask you about it right out. And now to find you with a hangover in your room, Squall what is wrong?" Quistis couldn't keep the concern out of her voice. Even though he had rejected her, he was still someone she considered a friend. And right now, that friend was in some serious trouble here. She just didn't know what kind.

"Quistis, I know that you are just trying to help, but I am fine. Yes, I have been a little more grouchy than usual but can you just chalk it up to my being under a lot of pressure and leave it at that?"

She bit her lip, not wanting to agree but not really having a choice. If he didn't want to talk about it, she couldn't make him. But she could go and see Dr. Kadowaki about it. If nothing else, the doctor would make an appointment for Squall to see her.

Squall peeked at her from under his arm because she was so quiet.

"Only if you are sure that you are going to be okay, I don't want to walk out of here without at least trying to be a friend to you."

Squall sighed. "You have been, now can you please go and tell Cid that I will see him in a couple of hours?"

Quistis nodded her head, and got up from the chair. As she walked to the door, she saw Squall's gunblade lying on the floor. "You really shouldn't leave that there, somebody could get hurt." She bent down to pick it up.

"Don't," was all that Squall said, but the cold and dangerous malice that Quistis heard in that one word was enough for her. She stood back up, determined not to let Squall know that he had rattled her.

"Fine, you pick it up then!" she said rather loudly, and then she went out the door.

Seifer had held his breath when Squall had come into the bathroom. He heard him heaving his guts up and he sympathized for him. But he was also terrified that he was going to get caught hiding in here by whoever had come in the door. When Squall had finished, he had left the bathroom door open. Seifer could hear voices but they were too low to make out any real words until he heard a woman's voice say something about picking something up and then there was the soft hiss of Squall's door closing.

Seifer breathed a silent sigh of relief. Alone at last with Squall, he quietly slipped out of the bathtub. Moving with more grace and agility than most people thought he was capable of because of his size, he made his way into Squall's room.

The first thing he saw was what the girl had been talking about. Squall's gunblade was lying on the floor near its open case. He decided to leave it where it was for the moment, and headed to the bed.

Squall lay there seemingly unaware of his presence. The gentle rise and fall of his chest told Seifer that he was asleep again. Quietly Seifer thumbed the control panel that slid the window cover into place, amazed that Squall or at least the girl hadn't thought about doing that. When the room was purged of annoying daylight, Squall sighed contentedly and Seifer heard rather that saw him remove his arm from his eyes.

Seifer sat down on the chair beside the bed and took a deep breath.

"Squall?" he said softly, "I need to you to wake up, there is something that I need to say to you, and I want you to be awake for it."

Squall slowly opened his eyes to darkness. "Seifer?" Oh Hyne, he really had lost his mind. Hearing voices was never a good sign of rationality. When something brushed his hand, he yelped and yanked it back as if he had been bitten. Then he heard it, that unmistakable deep chuckle that had never failed to annoy Squall. But this time it wasn't annoyance that he felt, it was fear, plain and simple. Seifer had come back to haunt him and not with just his memory but now with his spirit as well.

"What are you thinking Squall?" he asked with amusement in his deep yet soft voice. "I can hear all the little cogs and wheels turning in there so don't tell me you aren't lost in one of your little monologues."

"You are dead!" hissed Squall.

Seifer was a little taken back by that statement because he had been feeling a lot like a ghost these last few months, but he certainly wasn't dead.

"Do I feel dead to you?" he asked as he reached out to stroke a finger down Squall's stubble roughened cheek.

Squall let out a cry of surprise. "I… I don't believe it… I..."

He moved faster than Seifer had thought possible, one minute he was lying on the bed, the next the door was shutting behind his fleeing form. Seifer threw back his head and laughed as he had never laughed before. Who would have thought that all it took for him to finally get under the Ice Prince's skin was to be gone for a little while.

Squall ran through the halls of Garden as if pursued by all the demons in hell. He didn't stop until he had reached the balcony. Tears streamed down his face, and he was helpless to stop them. What the hell was that? Was it his mind playing some great joke? No, it couldn't have been because that touch was real. The finger had been warm and calloused as Seifer's had been. He sank to the floor of the balcony and drew his knees up to his chest. Both his hands securely wrapped in his hair. Silently he began rocking back and forth just as he had done as a child after Ellone had left.

An hour later, he was able to pull himself together enough to remember that he had to meet Cid. He stood up and wiped his face with a handkerchief that he rarely used. He just wasn't going to think about what had just happened. He wouldn't. It was a figment of his imagination and a really bad hangover, nothing more. He was still trying to convince himself of this when the elevator doors opened into the hallway leading to Cid's office.

**(End Chapter 5)**


	6. Karma and Resignation

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 6**

**Karma and Resignation**

Seifer wiped the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath trying to ease the ache in his sides from laughing. He got up and thumbed the window panel again. Bright sunshine filled the room that was so recently vacated by the hung over Squall. Shaking his head Seifer decided to make himself at home. Not that it really mattered because he couldn't leave anyway till tonight. That is if he chose to.

This had gone better than he had thought it would. Not that he had intentionally set out to scare Squall. That had just been the icing on the cake. He had just been dreading the reaction that he would get from him for so long that when it happened and it had been nothing like what he had been expecting, it was a relief.

With Squall out of the room, Seifer felt oddly detached. He looked around the sparsely decorated room, realizing that this was the first time that he had ever been in here. About the only thing that gave the room, any personality at all was the rumpled bed, the gunblade, and its case lying on the floor. The room reflected Squall in so many ways. He always seemed so cold and clinical, but lying just beneath the surface was so much just waiting to be discovered.

Seifer walked over to Squall's desk and sat down in his chair. He opened its drawers and found their contents neat and organized. He chuckled when in the back of one drawer he found a dirty magazine. _'Ahh, so Squall is human after all,'_ he thought.

Still smiling he turned around in the chair, and reached for the gunblade lying on the floor. At first, nothing seemed wrong, but as the sun winked off the blade, Seifer's eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open in shock. The name Hyperion, and the blood staining its surface were too much for him. He let it fall from his grasp.

For a long time he just sat there and stared in disbelief at the gunblade. What was Squall doing with Hyperion? Where was Lion Heart? His eyes traveled to the empty case. Lion Heart certainly wasn't in there. Seifer got to his feet and looked around the room, even going so far as to look under Squall's mattress. Nothing. There was no doubt about it. Hyperion had been in that case.

Seifer shuffled over to where Hyperion laid meaning to place the offending blade into the case and out of his sight, but when his fingers closed around the familiar grip, he felt his heart break again as it had on the day he had sold it.

So many memories were attached to this thing. There was no way to get around them. Some were pleasant but most were just downright horrible. Seifer hurriedly placed the gunblade in the case and slammed the lid shut.

Seifer sat down again in the chair by the bed and just stared at the case as if it were some sort of horrible monster that needed to be destroyed.

In a way, he was relieved that Squall was the one owned Hyperion now. It seemed right the more he thought about it. Squall was the reason he had sold it to begin with. Him owning it and using it were probably better karma than Seifer deserved, but he wasn't going to argue.

He couldn't fathom though why Squall had Hyperion and not Lion Heart. Perhaps he kept it as sort of a trophy to commemorate his victory. No, that wasn't Leonhart's style. He wouldn't keep trophies. He even kept his SeeD diploma in a desk drawer and not in a frame on the wall. Seifer ran his hands through his now longish hair. He didn't want to think about it anymore. It was giving him a headache.

Squall's stride was more confident than he felt going into Cid's office, but then that had always been the case. Nobody could ever read Squall unless he let himself be read.

Cid sat behind his massive desk, but instead of smiling and coming around to lean on the front edge of his desk as he usually did when he spoke to Squall, he merely nodded his head in acknowledgment of Squall's presence.

Tension filled the room and Squall's posture began to take on a more formal air. He stood at attention squelching the desire to clear his throat.

Finally, when Cid was finished with the papers that sat before him, he looked up at Squall.

"Well son, what do you have to say for yourself? This is not like you, so I would really like an explanation."

Squall swallowed hard to try and remove the lump he suddenly felt in his throat. He knew there wasn't any good way he could explain his actions. No matter what he said, it was going to reflect badly on him.

His hands trembled behind his back and tears stung his eyes but refused to fall. Proudly he straightened his back and held his head high. Rather than embarrass Garden and have a black mark on his record, he knew what he had to do.

He formally saluted Cid. "SeeD Commander Squall Leonhart is formally declaring his resignation from SeeD and from Garden, Sir!" he said with as much dignity and conviction as he could muster. He reached up to the lapel of his jacket and removed the Commander insignia, gently placing it on the desk in front of Cid.

Not looking at Cid, he saluted him once more and turned to leave. He heard Cid try and call him back, but he had made up his mind. Besides, it wasn't as if he hadn't already planned on leaving anyway, right.

His recent bout of mental instability was no doubt reason enough to give his resignation but the incident at Fisherman's Horizon just gave him a way out without having to reveal his problem.

"I guess I should be thankful." He said ruefully to himself as the elevator doors slid shut.

He headed back to his room determined to ignore Seifer's ghost, if need be, just long enough to pack a few things.

When the door slid open Seifer jumped and almost panicked until he saw that it was Squall coming back. The tremors lessened and stopped altogether, when he finally got a real good look at Squall. He hadn't noticed before just how bad he looked, and he could honestly say he didn't like it one bit.

There were dark purple smudges beneath his eyes, a testimony to many sleepless nights. His unshaven cheeks accentuated those smudges making them appear almost black. His face looked haggard and drawn and he certainly looked paler than Seifer had ever seen him before. His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot, which didn't help his appearance any, but whether it was from the hangover or from tears, Seifer couldn't decide.

"Squall?" he asked softly not wanting to scare him again.

Squall ignored him and pulled his suitcase from the closet. He wasn't going to get dragged into another conversation with the dead.

Seifer watched him as he pulled clothes out of the dresser and packed them neatly in the suitcase. When he headed for the bathroom, Seifer had had enough. He reached out and grabbed Squall's arm.

"Hey! I'm talking to you jerk wad! Try paying attention will ya?" Squall's eyes widened in disbelief and shock.

"You're… you… but… you're really here aren't you?" he stammered.

Seifer gawked incredulously at Squall and used his free hand to smack him in the forehead.

"There! Did that feel real enough for you? Hyne, I come all this way here to try and talk to you and what do I get for my troubles? You think I'm some sort of numb nuts ghost! Well I got news for you dumb ass. If I were dead I would have better things to do with my time than to hang around haunting you!" He smirked in true Seifer fashion.

Squall heard the words but they were like someone yelling down a tunnel at him. He could feel the pressure of Seifer's grip on his arm but is was as if it were only a memory. The room spun and blackness began to invade his vision.

Then his head was rocked back by a sudden blow, the stinging sensation made his eyes water but it served to bring back clarity. He felt a tickle from beneath his nose and wiped at it, bringing away blood. Seifer had slapped him.

The angry sound hung in the air and Seifer stared down at the offending hand as if it had a mind of its own. The blood flowing freely from Squall's nose was too much for him. He released his hold on Squall's arm and stepped back. Fear and desperation filled his eyes as he tried to make sense of what he had just done.

Squall stood there not knowing what else to do. Seifer wasn't acting like himself anymore. It was as if someone had thrown a switch and Seifer's body double had taken his place. He stepped towards him, but Seifer threw out his hands in front of him and backed away until he could go no further. He watched helplessly as Seifer slid down the wall landing with a thump on the floor, just staring at the small amount of blood on his hand. He wiped the blood onto his coat and then hid his face behind both his hands.

Squall could not believe what he was seeing. Was this Seifer? It had certainly sounded and acted like Seifer a moment ago. So, what was this?

He knelt in front of him, not at all sure about what he was doing. He tried to gently pry Seifer's hands away from his face, but being gentle wasn't getting him very far, so he roughly yanked them away.

Seifer's sea green eyes held a haunted look that would forever remain in Squall's memory. Gone was the humor and yes even sadistic pleasure he got from tormenting those around him. It was just gone, and that angered Squall. This wasn't the Seifer he knew. The man that had slapped him, THAT was the Seifer he knew. The Seifer he could never trust, but always did. This was someone else entirely and it made Squall's blood boil. Anger swept thought him until every part of him burned with it. When it reached his brain, he exploded. Partly out of red-hot anger, the rest out of cold invasive fear for Seifer.

"Goddamn it Seifer! Get a hold of yourself! You came here to talk to me, so talk already! If you aren't going to then get the hell out and quit wasting my time!"

Squall was terrified now. There was no turning back, no taking back the words he had so callously screamed in his face. Would he leave now? He didn't want that. Not after having a wake for him and realizing how much he wanted him here again. But seeing him like this, he began to understand that Seifer wasn't okay. That his time as Ultimecia's Knight had changed him on a level that no one else could have even reached much less touched.

The anger and frustration that he had been feeling over everything that had happened all seemed to boil over. He wanted to tell Seifer that everything was okay now but he didn't know the words just a mindless anger over so many things that he had been keeping bottled up inside. He lowered his body to the floor in front of Seifer and hung his head. The anger welling up inside him was like a volcano. When it finally erupted, his fist shot out and made heavy contact with Seifer's chest. At first, he was a little shocked by this action, but was unable to stop himself. Again and again, his fist hit Seifer's chest and soon words began pouring out of Squall, punctuating each hit his fists made.

"I hate you... I hate you! I hate you for making me so weak, for making me feel like I can't live! Why did you have to come back here when I had finally said goodbye? Why couldn't you have just vanished and never come back! Why did you?"

Angrily Squall hit Seifer one last time and then got up. He paced the floor between Seifer and his door, trying to decide if he should alert Garden Security to come pick him up, or if he should give Seifer the chance to explain himself.

Squall's head hurt immensely. Everything seemed to be happening way too fast and it was like he was on some roller coaster ride that he was helpless to stop. He had assaulted a shopkeeper, gotten way too drunk in a wake for a man that wasn't dead, resigned as SeeD Commander, and then to just complicate matters, the very man that he had thought dead, suddenly showed up!

He stopped pacing long enough to look at the unconscious Seifer, and shook his head. This day was definitely one for the record books. The old adage was certainly true, when it rained, it really DID pour.

He sighed heavily and decided that his head hurt way too much to do anything about Seifer right now. All he wanted to do was to go back to bed and maybe, just maybe, when he woke up, he would find that this had all been a bad dream.

Leaving Seifer leaning against the wall, he pulled himself wearily onto his unmade bed. The events of the last few days swirling around his head in a confusing kaleidoscope of tragedy, anger, fear and frustration, nothing seemed real anymore and he wasn't quite sure if what he was experiencing was truly happening or if it was only in his mind. It wasn't long before the wispy tendrils of sleep, wound around his weary brain, easing the tension and relieving his mind of thoughts of madness.

Squall found himself standing on the balcony once more, staring up at the stars as he had done so many times before. But something was different. There was someone standing there with him. At first he was terrified that it would be Rinoa coming back to tell him that he was an asshole and how much she hated him, but the energy coming from the presence was decidedly not feminine but masculine. Slowly he turned toward the presence but instead of finding a person, he found Hyperion leaning against the railing. Squall moved toward the gunblade and picked it up. He brought it up to eye level and inspected it closely. Though the weapon was clearly Hyperion, etched in the blade was Griever, not the weapon's name. Squall found this oddly comforting. He swung the gunblade a few times, relishing the lightness of it and wishing the Seifer was here to wield it once more. He had no one to practice with since he had left and he found that he missed it more than he had thought he had. Going up against Seifer was one of the few things that he had truly enjoyed, even though he refused to admit it.

A noise behind him made him turn, Hyperion in a defensive stance. The swirl and swish of a gray trench coat disappearing around the corner headed into the ballroom made Squall's palms sweat and his heart to pound. What was Seifer doing here? Did it really matter? No, Squall decided it didn't. All that mattered was giving Hyperion back to him so that they could spar against each other again.

Squall's eyes adjusted to the dim light in the ballroom, but there was no sign of Seifer anywhere.

"Seifer?" he softly called, not wanting to break the silence of the room, but not having a choice.

A soft chuckle came from a darkened corner, one that Squall could easily identify as Seifer's. He made his way slowly across the ballroom, and stepped into the darkness. He couldn't see Seifer, but he could feel his presence standing there. He didn't have to see to know that he had Lion Heart in his hand. Squall brought Hyperion up in front of him, just in case Seifer tried a sneak attack.

"It's okay Squall, I'm not here to hurt you. You wanted to spar again. I heard your call and have come to give you what you want. But, you won't need your gunblade this time. Your GF's have taken so many of your memories. So many…"

Squall lowered Hyperion and frowned into the darkness toward where the voice was coming. Just what in the world was he talking about? Yes, the GF's had taken some of his memories, but only those of his childhood. Not any of the more recent ones… or had they? It wouldn't be as if he would ever know.

He was startled by Seifer's hand reaching out of the darkness to close around his wrist. He tried to resist but was powerless to stop his forward motion. He found himself standing extremely close to Seifer. So close that he could smell his aftershave and feel his breath on his face.

Seifer's hand closed around Hyperion's hilt and gently took it from Squall's grasp. Squall involuntarily gasped as Seifer's other hand slid around his waist to pull him even closer.

"Do you remember Squall? Did they take the memory from you so that you could fight against me? Try! Try to remember what happened. It's okay that you don't remember, but I still would like you to try."

Squall struggled inwardly, trying to remember what Seifer wanted him to, but there was just nothing there. Had the GF's taken a memory that they weren't supposed to? If they did, then why would they do such a thing? Was Seifer just fucking with his head? And why was he holding him so close?

Seifer leaned forward and softly brushed his lips against Squall's. As startling as it was, Squall could find nothing about the kiss that could be described as offensive. This was after all only a dream… wasn't it? Besides, there was something oddly familiar about this scene, but just what it was; he couldn't put his finger on.

Seifer pulled back and squeezed Squall against his chest for a moment. Squall didn't know what to say or do in that moment. All he could do was accept things as they were.

Seifer sighed heavily and pushed Squall back a step. "I would like to stay and spar with you Squall, but it is time for me to go now."

"Please stay Seifer! I don't want to go through life as I am!"

"It's okay Squall… I am here… I won't leave you… just call my name…"

Seifer couldn't tell exactly when the attack ended, all he knew was that he was on the floor and his chest hurt like hell. He couldn't remember hurting himself, but then the attacks were like that sometimes. He couldn't remember doing certain things or going certain places.

Slowly he got up from the floor and rubbed his chest, absently wondering if perhaps he had hurt himself intentionally.

He looked down at Squall as he slept. He didn't want to wake him, but the rumbling in his stomach spurned him onward. He watched as Squall's brow furrowed in response to some dream he was having and he reached out to gently shake him awake.

"…Seifer!" Squall said, sitting up in a sudden motion.

'_So he had been dreaming of me… I wonder just what he was dreaming of…'_ he thought as he watched Squall trying to separate himself from the world of dreams he just left.

He smiled when Squall rubbed his eyes and yawned. He remembered he always used to wake up that way as a kid. Some things never change and that was comforting to know. He tried not to think about the drying blood on his upper lip and the fact that he had done that. If he didn't think about it then he could pretend that it hadn't happened.

"Hey you." he said to Squall. "Any chance that I might get something to eat around here."

Squall smiled sheepishly, "Well until this afternoon I could have gotten you something, but," he stopped at the shocked look on Seifer's face. "What." he said turning his sleepy eyed gaze around to look behind him. Seifer really did look like he had seen a ghost.

"Squall…? You...you smiled. Damn man! I thought you had your smile surgically removed or something!"

Squall smiled again, and he thought Seifer was going to pass out, which only made him smile even wider.

"Stop please. You're killing me!" Seifer grabbed his chest over his heart, and plopped down backwards onto the bed, doing a corny impression of a heart attack.

Squall couldn't help it, he laughed. Seeing Seifer's reaction to his smile was funny but his reaction to his laughter was downright hilarious. He bucked and thrashed wildly on the bed as if he were having an epileptic seizure. Squall laughed until his sides and his face hurt.

Seifer sat up on his elbows, a big goofy grin plastered on his face, as he watched Squall laugh until tears streamed down his face. _'I made him do that. No one else did. He is smiling and laughing just for me. Fuck you Ultimecia! You tried your hardest to convince me that my feelings were wrong, but they aren't! I made him do something that no one else has done. He is laughing just for me, all for me. Finally, he is paying attention to me like I have wanted him to since we were kids. All I ever wanted was to be his friend, but he would never open up to me. Damn it, I missed Ellone too but that was no reason to shut everyone out. So finally it comes down to this and all I had to do was practically destroy the world to have it.'_

Squall's hysterics began to subside into happy sighs. He looked up when he felt Seifer's eyes on him. A strange expression crossed Seifer's face, and then was gone as quickly as it had come. He decided to leave it alone for the moment, seeing as how he had to tell Seifer why he couldn't go to the cafeteria.

"I resigned," he said shortly. "I just couldn't hack it here anymore. The pressure was making me crack up." He wasn't sure what he was expecting Seifer to say. He didn't want to go into a long explanation about things, but if Seifer insisted then he supposed that, he would.

Seifer just shrugged his shoulders. "You will have to tell me about it sometime."

Squall could have hugged him at that moment. _'Could it be that he really understands me that well? Of course he does, stupid, study your enemy, and know his weaknesses.'_

"What are you smiling about now?" Seifer grinned.

"Uhh… nothing Seifer, I was just thinking about the weaknesses of enemies and how they can be exploited." He said as he scraped away the dried blood off of his lip with his fingernail.

Seifer raised an eyebrow, "Any one ever tell you that you are really weird Leonhart?"

"Uhm… no… you are the first."

"Well since we can't go to the cafeteria, I guess we had better just leave then, huh."

"We? That's awful presumptuous of you Almasy."

Seifer laughed heartily, "So? What are you saying that I can't leave with you?" he reached up and ruffled Squall's already messy hairstyle.

Squall yelped and leapt off the bed, trying to smooth his hair down. "Hyne Seifer! You know I hate it when you do that!"

He had sounded so serious that Seifer laughed again but it was cut short by a knock at the door. He glanced at the door nervously.

Squall shrugged and went to go see who was at the door.

**(End Chapter 6)**


	7. Running Away

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 7**

**Running Away**

"Who is it?" Squall asked nervously.

"It's Zell, man, open the door."

Squall looked back at Seifer, but he had already disappeared somewhere. Damn, he was quick.

Squall opened the door, and tried to block Zell from entering, but it was futile. The blond martial artist was determined.

"Is it true man? Did you resign? It's all over Garden! There isn't a person here that isn't talking about it!"

Squall just looked at Zell as he plopped down on the bed, so recently vacated by Seifer. Where the hell had he gotten off to anyway? That man had become like a shadow. Flitting here and there… flitting? The idea of Seifer flitting anywhere made Squall smile, it made him sound like some sort of fairy or something. Yeah, there was a good description of Almasy, a fairy! Squall's smile had become very big, and he almost busted out laughing. Seifer would have smacked the shit out of him for just thinking something like that, so maybe it was a good thing he had disappeared.

"Squall? Hey man, stop looking at me like that! You're scaring me!" he whined, but then he realized that Squall was on one of his internal trips again. Zell snapped his fingers in front of Squall's face.

Squall blinked suddenly remembering Zell's presence here. "Huh? Oh, right. My resignation. Listen Zell, I know that you guys all worry about me. And my leave…"

"What? It's true?" Zell interrupted, not believing what he was hearing. "You can't leave man! What's the matter with you? He stood up and started to shadow box. "After all that we went through dude, you can't just leave!

Squall pressed his lips together in a thin line. He knew that his resigning would have gotten all over the Garden, which was why he had preferred his original plan of just leaving a letter and disappearing.

The incredulous look on Zell's face told him that as soon as he left here he was going to tell the others. Squall turned from the little blond and sighed. This was not going to be easy. He was going to have to face the rest of them before this was all over. Damn it! He didn't want to have to explain to them his reasons. They wouldn't understand! They had never understood!

He flexed his fingers several times making the leather of his gloves creak. The thought of hitting Zell and knocking him out so that he could leave in peace crossed his mind, but he knew he couldn't do that.

Zell watched Squall's back. He had thought that Squall had been acting strangely ever since Rinoa had left. He had never told them what happened and Quistis just said to leave him alone about it. Maybe that had been the wrong decision. Damn, he wished Quistis were here now. She would make Squall stay.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Chicken Wuss!" Seifer sneered.

Both Squall and Zell turned to see Seifer leaning against the wall. Only one was surprised, the other was quite grateful.

"What the fu…? Squall! Sound the alarm!" he said as he got into his fighting stance.

'_Seifer? Here in Squall's room? What the hell was going on?'_ Zell thought, trying his best to stare down Seifer.

"Dincht, didn't your mamma ever tell you that it isn't polite to stare?" Seifer smirked.

"What do you want Seifer? How did you get in here?" Zell snapped as he glared at him.

Seifer crossed his arms and casually placed a foot against the wall. "I would have thought that it was obvious Dincht. But then you weren't always the sharpest of tools in the shed!" He nodded to Squall and indicated the suitcase on the bed.

Squall went to the desk and began pulling things out that he wanted to take with him. He didn't know what Seifer had in mind, but if it saved him from (a) having to endure the others' long tearful goodbyes and (b) having to explain things, then he would take it.

Zell was dumbfounded. What the freaking hell was Squall doing? He wasn't sounding the alarm and he wasn't at all shocked that Seifer was here. So that must mean that he knew he was here! _'Holy Shit this is getting weirder by the second. If only Quistis were here instead of me. But no, I had to be the one to come and find things out for myself.'_

Zell hung his head in defeat and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Whatever was going on, he was sure that he didn't like it, but what could he really do about it? Seifer was Seifer and as long as he was standing between him and Squall, Zell was doomed to lose.

"You wouldn't be thinking about leaving the party so soon there, would ya Chicken Wuss?"

"Don't call me that!"

"Why? Truth hurt?"

"Squall? Will you tell me what is going on? I hate being in the dark about things and this is not like you at all! This is Seifer of all people!" he cried, sweeping his hand in Seifer's general direction.

"Enough Chicken Wuss!" said Seifer, swinging his arm as if he were wielding Hyperion. "Leave Squall to do what he has to do. Besides, we have other matters to discuss."

"Oh yeah? Like what Seifer?"

"Like how you are going to walk out of here and not say a word to anybody about this. Because if you do…" Seifer stepped away from the wall and cracked his knuckles. "I can promise you that there are worse things in life besides death. And I can give you both!"

"Ha! You don't scare me anymore Seifer! There isn't anything that you can do to me that you haven't done already!"

"You so sure about that Dincht?" Seifer sneered in his face.

Zell visibly gulped, he couldn't help the fear that was beginning to rise out of the pit of his stomach as he stared up at Seifer. He had always been afraid of him, ever since he had tried to drown him in a game of chicken when they were kids. But he tried to hide it anyway.

Squall closed the suitcase. Sighing he turned to Zell. "Listen Zell, all I am asking of you is that you don't say anything about my leaving until tomorrow morning."

"But Seifer…"

"I know it is confusing," he said holding up his hands. "Just suffice it to say that Seifer and I have come to an understanding okay?"

Silently Squall pleaded with Zell to understand, but he knew full well that he wouldn't. Zell was just that way. He never understood anything unless someone sat down and explained in full detail what was going on and even then, sometimes it took pictures. Squall put his hand to his forehead and sighed heavily.

Seifer watched Squall's inner turmoil and decided to take charge of the situation before it got out of hand. The last thing he wanted was Squall upset and Zell's presence was doing just that. He didn't understand why Zell couldn't see what he was doing to Squall.

"We should keep him here until we leave. It's the only way to be sure. The little Chicken Wuss has always had a big mouth." Seifer said with a sneer.

Zell looked up again, realizing that Seifer had neither moved nor had he changed his threatening posture. If things didn't cool off soon, he knew he was going to find himself in a big world of hurt. Seifer was being serious this time, no playing involved.

Squall sighed again and looked up at Seifer as he was standing in front of Zell. He seemed so like himself now that it was hard to imagine that he had seen with his own eyes, the truth of what he had become.

Seifer glanced over at Squall and caught his gaze, and for a moment, the two of them just stood there, ignoring Zell as if he weren't even in the room. Then Squall nodded and Seifer stepped back from Zell to lean once more against the wall.

Zell couldn't understand what had passed between the two of them with that look, but it was obvious that they were on the same wavelength. He trusted Squall with his life, but Seifer? Not a chance.

How he wished that Quistis were here. She could always put Almasy back in his place. His shoulders slumped. She wasn't here and she wasn't coming. He drew in a deep breath. He hated the fact that Squall was leaving; he hated even more that it was with Seifer. But if that was what he truly wanted to do, there was no way in hell that he could stop him.

"Okay, you win. I won't say anything till tomorrow morning. But, whatever Dickwad there is thinking, tell him to can it will ya? I am not spending the night locked in some closet or tied up in the shower."

Squall nodded. "Thanks Zell, I appreciate this, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I know you guys have only been trying to help, but things just have not been going well for me. I just need some time to myself."

Zell hung his head. He didn't know what else to say. It was obvious that Squall had made up his mind, but the really irksome part was that if he needed time to himself why was Seifer going with him? Oh well, maybe Quistis could explain things. She was good at that.

Zell turned to the door, his head still hanging low. He didn't want to leave like this but what choice was he left with? Seifer was standing there with his arms crossed looking as menacing as ever and Squall well he was just being himself.

"Well I guess this is goodbye for awhile then. Uhh, you take care of yourself Squall okay? And watch yourself around the walking pile of shit. You can't trust him!"

Squall had to grab Seifer to keep him from going after Zell, who had smartly dodged out of the door.

"Come back in here you little Chicken Wuss and I will show you just what a pile of shit looks like up close and personal 'cause that's all that's going to be left of you after I get done with you!"

Squall was having a hard time holding onto Seifer. He kept trying to squirm out of his grip. But soon his labored breathing began to slow and his fists uncurled.

"Damn him, we shouldn't have let him go Squall! He is nothing but a piece of poultry that needs to be taught a lesson!"

Squall shook his head. "Seifer just leave it. He won't say anything." Squall still had his hands on Seifer's chest and he could feel his heart hammering against his ribs. He couldn't help but notice how hard the muscles were under his thin shirt. Hyne what was wrong with him? He yanked his hands away and quickly turned his back to Seifer so that he wouldn't see the blush.

Squall's sudden movement and posture hadn't gone unnoticed. Seifer had always been able to read Squall like a book. He found it amazing that no one else seemed to notice that the way he stood and the gestures he used always gave him away. But then he had made it a habit to study Squall. If he hadn't Squall would have been able to defeat him ages ago.

He walked slowly up behind him and brushed a finger down the back of his neck. When he shivered, it nearly drove him mad. He turned Squall around and stared into his hypnotic gray eyes. He put his finger under his chin and tilted up his head.

'_Holy Shit! He's going to kiss me!'_ thought Squall as his lips gently brushed over his own. It was soft and gentle, and not altogether unpleasant. It was nothing like what he thought it would be. Had it been anyone else but Seifer he would have probably decked him, but there was something about the way that Seifer had looked at him beforehand that seemed to make this all right. _'Kissing Rinoa had never felt like this,'_ he thought as he let his eyes flutter shut.

Seifer's finger beneath Squall's chin began to trace a line down to the hollow of his throat. This simple action sent chills racing down his skin, to tingle in his fingertips. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Seifer slowly pulled back and smiled. He didn't want to scare Squall with his intense desire for him. He stepped back and sat down on the bed, next to Squall's packed suitcase, carefully arranging his trench coat so that it covered his aching erection.

'_If only Squall could remember, this would be a lot easier,'_ Seifer thought as he arranged his coat. _'Damn the GF's for taking his memories of me! I am glad that I stopped using them.'_

Squall wanted to ask what the hell just happened but he didn't dare. The sensations that Seifer had caused were too new, and unfamiliar, yet at the same time felt completely right. He needed to think about what the hell this meant before he could talk about it. He didn't look at Seifer, but he could feel his eyes on him. Was he attracted to him? Yes, he decided. That much was the easy part to figure out. He didn't pretend to understand it but the attraction was there all the same. The dream he had before Seifer woke him up was proof enough of that. Did this mean he was gay? He didn't know the answer to that one.

Seifer watched as he tried to assimilate what was going on. He smirked at the bewildered look in his storm gray eyes. Poor Squall, sometimes he over thought things. This was just one of them. Seifer didn't have a problem with what happened, it had happened before and probably would have progressed further had he not become the Sorceress' Knight.

Seifer cleared his throat, looking for a way to break the tense silence that his actions had caused. "Curfew will be in place in an hour. You got everything you want? Maybe you should look around one more time, we aren't coming back for anything you forgot."

Squall nodded and began to look through drawers and the closet. No coming back, he had said that with such conviction that Squall wondered if he had left anything behind that he regretted. "Hey Seifer?" he asked as his backside protruded out of the closet.

Seifer, appreciating the view almost forgot to answer. "Uhh, yeah Squall?"

"Did you leave anything behind that you regret having left?" He backed out of the closet with a box.

Seifer thought for a minute. "Well there is only one thing that I can think of," he said smirking at the cobwebs that were stuck in Squalls hair.

"What's that?" he puffed, as he set the heavy box on the bed beside Seifer. He opened it and went through the contents, pulling things out and then putting some back.

Seifer reached up and brushed the annoying cobwebs out of his hair. "You." He said quietly.

Squall paused for a moment, and glanced at Seifer. "I thought you said that there was no coming back for things that you had left behind."

"That wasn't the question," he said smiling, "you asked if there were something that I regretted leaving behind. The only thing that I regret leaving Squall is you."

"Oh…" he said simply, as a blush crept up to his cheeks. He looked down at the floor.

Seifer liked this particular expression of Squall's. It was one he hadn't seen often. In fact, he hadn't seen it since they were kids. It was the same one he used when Matron would correct his grammar.

"Any idea where we are going to go?" he asked as a tension breaker. Not that it really mattered to him, but he didn't want Squall to think that he was enjoying his discomfort.

"Uhh, into Balamb first, no question about that. I have to pick up Lion Heart from the repair shop."

He had been expecting an answer but not that. Repair shop? Lion Heart? So, he didn't get rid of it. Hyperion wasn't his weapon of choice. So, what was he doing with it then?

"Which reminds me, I have something for you. This is what made me believe that you were truly dead Seifer. I found it in Fisherman's Horizon while on a job.

Squall moved away from him and set the gunblade case on the floor. He opened it and removed his former rival's weapon. Holding it out with both hands, he offered it to Seifer who seemed to be holding his breath.

When Seifer didn't take it, he sighed. Leaning the tip against the floor, he reached out, took Seifer's hands, and placed the gleaming weapon in them.

"Squall…I …I can't." His eyes were wide and his hands trembled.

Squall rolled his eyes. Here we go again, he thought.

"Seifer it's just a weapon. It's yours. Take it. I can't keep this, not when you are alive and well enough to use it."

Seifer snorted at that. "I would hardly call myself well, I can't even look in the mirror without freaking out for a moment."

"Well, it is yours, you are going to take it, and you are going to use it I won't take that bullshit as an answer!"

Unwillingly Seifer turned the weapon this way and that, inspecting it for the inevitable blood, but to his surprise, he couldn't find any trace of it. Eager to see if it were true, he stood up and inspected it inch by inch in the light.

"It's not there!" he said incredulously.

"What's not?

"The blood, it…it's gone!"

"Blood? What are you talking about Seifer?"

"There was blood on this thing that I could never get off of it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it off Squall. It was your blood."

Squall looked questioningly at him. "Seifer… I think that maybe you might have imagined that. There was no blood on it when I bought it and I have cleaned it myself since then, so I know."

'_Could he be serious? Squall wouldn't lie to me. Maybe it was all in my head. But it seemed so real. Then again, everything that Ultimecia showed me seemed real at the time too, so how can I be sure?' _

"Seifer…?" Squall walked over to him and placed his hand on the taller boy's shoulder. Gently he turned him around so that he could look into his eyes. "Seifer, there was nothing there. I promise you."

"Ultimecia fucked with my head Squall. I am still unsure of what is real and what isn't anymore. That's part of the reason why I came here. I had to see you for myself. See that you weren't dead, that I didn't kill you."

Squall's brow furrowed at his confession. _'What the hell did that witch do to him?'_ he thought.

Seifer had always been so strong. He had always assumed that nothing could break him. But here was the proof standing right here in front of him. Ultimecia had broken him, and had somehow used his memories and thoughts of him to do it with.

"It doesn't matter anymore Seifer, we are here and we are alive, that bitch isn't. I killed her myself. I understand that she did some awful things to you, and that it has been a difficult road for you, but, if you give in to it, then she won after all Seifer."

Seifer smirked. "When did you get so smart Leonhart?"

"About the same time I thought you were dead Almasy."

"You cared whether or not I was dead. I was under the impression that you didn't give a shit, that you were the almighty Ice Prince whose feelings were permanently frozen in dick mode!"

"Dick mode? That's rich coming from the original walking dick!"

"Hey! At least I had a personality Mr. Sunshine!"

Squall laughed at that one. Seifer had always been quick on his feet, especially when it came to insults. Not being one for many words put him at a distinct disadvantage when it came to the insult arena.

Seifer smiled. There was something about Squall that made things not seem quite as bad as they were. He was glad he came back here. It had been hard at first, but with things being as they were, he was happy. He was tired of being alone, and the only person that had ever understood him both on the battlefield and off had been Squall. He glanced at the clock that sat on the nightstand, and felt a brief twinge of guilt over another certain clock. Perhaps he should have left some money along with the apology. Oh well, it was too late now. No use getting his underwear in a knot over it.

"It's time to go Squall."

Squall nodded and grabbed his luggage and empty gunblade case, leaving Seifer to carry Hyperion, which he seemed to have forgotten that he even had at the moment.

Squall opened the door and turned to look one more time at the room that had been his home for so long. There were many memories here, but they were all lonely ones. One's that he didn't wish to remember. Sighing he closed the door.

As they walked through Garden's empty halls, Squall listened contentedly to the echo of two pairs of boots, and decided that he liked that sound much better than his alone.

Seifer, who moved much faster than Squall having the longer legs, took the lead. When they arrived at the parking garage, Squall looked at him confused.

"What, you thought we were walking? Oh, come on Squall. Taking a car would be much more practical. Besides that," he hefted Hyperion off his shoulder, "I'm not in practice with this thing anymore and you don't have a weapon. There isn't any way in all of Ifrit's Hell's am I going to travel out there in the dark, on foot no less, when I can't protect myself and you."

He remained silent, not wishing to point out the flaw in Seifer's logic. That he was still in practice and that he could use Hyperion to protect them both. Not to mention the fact that he could collect his GF's from the holding facility. He could have said these things, but after hearing Seifer say that he wanted to protect him, it would have seemed in poor taste to do so. So, he just shrugged his shoulders and headed for the key rack.

Seifer grabbed the keys from him and unlocked the trunk, throwing in Squall's luggage and gunblade case. "Don't look at me like that!" he whispered. I'm driving and that is just that! Now put away the lip and let's go!" Squall hadn't really been pouting, though he did want to drive. But he knew it was rather pointless to argue with Seifer.

With who was driving settled, they drove out of the garage and into the night.

**(End Chapter 7)**


	8. Rape Prevention Devices

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 8**

**Rape Prevention Devices**

They drove through the darkness in silence. Each lost in thought. Every once in a while Seifer would glance over at the back of Squall's head, and wonder what was on his mind. Sitting down, his posture did little to clue him in.

Squall's thoughts were of life and what he was supposed to do now. He had never considered leaving Garden, and now that he had done just that, he found himself wondering what he was going to do for a job. There wasn't much demand for soldiers anymore, especially those of the mercenary variety. It wasn't as if he was hurting for money, but he knew that it wouldn't last forever if all he ever did were travel and stay in hotels. Perhaps visiting Laguna wasn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe he would give him and Seifer a job. A president could never have enough security personnel.

An ironic smirk played on his lips for a moment. It was funny how easily his thoughts had placed Seifer together with himself. Squall didn't know how things had changed so fast, but it seemed that with his resignation, a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders, and for the first time since he was seven years old, he could finally breathe. For so long he had kept everyone at arms length, never letting them get close because he didn't want to be hurt when they left. But when he thought that Seifer was dead, he realized that even though he had closed himself off, Seifer had still somehow managed to wound him, even deeper than Ellone's leaving had. He didn't pretend to understand everything that he was feeling, but when it had become clear that Seifer was indeed alive, Squall had felt like flying. It felt a little foreign to laugh and smile and speak his mind, but for Seifer he was determined to try. Maybe it was his way of coping with what he had done. Or maybe he was starting to think of Seifer as a part of himself, and that was dangerous. One never assumed anything when dealing with Seifer.

He leaned his head back against the headrest. He had been avoiding thinking about Seifer, because that meant that he would have to think about what had happened and the reaction that he had. It was very confusing. When he had, thought that Seifer were dead all he wanted was he to be alive and be right there with him again. Now that what he wanted was real he wasn't sure how to deal with it, simply because Seifer had introduced a new element to the whole situation that he had never considered before.

Seifer had kissed him, and he had enjoyed it. That was all there was to that, but what if he wanted more. He wasn't sure that he could give more. He wasn't a sexually oriented person, even Rinoa had complained about that after a couple of sessions of heavy making out. But Squall couldn't help that any more than he could help what Seifer's touch had done to his body. With Rinoa, things had been different. He was the one who was supposed to be in control. Sure, he had kissed her and even touched her body, and she had done the same. But it had never elicited the reaction that Seifer had gotten with a single touch and brush of the lips. That had been powerful, and a little frightening to think that he was so ready and willing to let Seifer take control.

"You are awfully quiet over there," Seifer said suddenly, jerking Squall from his thoughts.

"I'm just thinking about what we should do now, that's all."

A wicked grin crossed Seifer's face, "Me too."

"Any ideas?" Squall asked innocently, not catching the obvious innuendo in Seifer's words.

"Yeah I have a couple," he said, wicked smile still in place.

"I mean we could go to Esthar but I don't know how people are going to react to you there."

"That wasn't exactly what I meant Squall." He said laying his hand on Squall's thigh and then slowly moving upwards until it rested on his crotch.

Squall involuntarily drew in a sharp breath. He could feel the stirrings of his awakening arousal and it took his breath away to have someone else touch him there. He looked up at Seifer who's attention seemed to be concentrated on his driving. Ever so slowly, his hand caressed the leather and what was underneath it, wringing a sigh from deep inside his chest. He stretched out his legs and shifted in the seat so that Seifer's wandering hand could seek out the more sensitive areas.

The gentle caresses and soft touches caused him to moan softly, bringing his arousal to its full length. He leaned his head back further against the seat and moaned again rather loudly this time.

Seifer's hand moved from his crotch and moved up his body to rest on his shoulder.

"Squall? Hey wake up, we are in Balamb."

"Huh? Wha…?" Squall opened his eyes, realizing that what had happened was nothing more than a dream. He was glad that it was dark so that Seifer wouldn't be able to see the furious blush that flushed his cheeks. Not to mention that it also hid the more than obvious facet of his arousal. He eyed his surroundings trying to seem nonchalant and indifferent. He would have succeeded too if Seifer hadn't decided at that moment to lean into the car over him, digging in the glove compartment.

He drew in a sharp breath, which made Seifer turn to look at him, a bemused smirk on his face. "Did you know you were moaning in your sleep?"

The blush deepened until it felt as if Squall's entire face were on fire. Whether it was from shame or embarrassment he couldn't quite tell, but Seifer noticed just the same. "Well now, it seems that my little Ice Prince is attempting to thaw out a bit," Seifer chuckled. "Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?"

When Squall didn't answer, he turned his attention back to the glove compartment until he found what he was looking for. He snapped it shut and stood up stretching his back. "Come on, I got us a room, unless of course you wanted to spend the night in the car dreaming about whoever it was that was making you moan like that."

Hyne, why couldn't he just leave it alone? Squall was growing angry over his teasing. He got out of the car and glared icily at Seifer's back.

When they got inside the room Seifer removed, his trench coat and slung it over the back of a chair. He stretched again and cracked his neck. Squall winced at the sound. He had always hated it when Seifer did that. To him it sounded like bones breaking.

He sat down in one of the chairs and watched Seifer as he removed his boots, and then his shirt. Clad now in only his pants, Squall couldn't help but admire the muscles that rippled along his back and shoulders. He was built very differently from himself.

Squall's lean and wiry frame while being well proportioned could never be described as a body builder's dream. Seifer on the other hand, bulged in all the right places, and he knew it.

Seifer, unaware of the scrutiny that he was under, got up and called the front desk, asking them to deliver food to the room. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since he had eaten and it was beginning to give him a headache.

"Watch for room service Squall, I got to go take a shower. I feel like shit."

Squall didn't answer. He just watched Seifer head for the bathroom. Why did he have to have a dream like that? And for that matter why did Seifer have to notice?

He leaned forward in the chair with his forearms on his thighs, one of his favorite thinking positions. But even that didn't help the confusion that he was experiencing. This was new and unfamiliar territory that he was in, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do about it. At least with Rinoa he had some sort of clue, but being attracted to Seifer was way beyond his league. Had he always been attracted to him? Or was this a new development of his demented psyche. He didn't know how to answer that.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock. He sighed and answered the door, allowing the waiter to roll in a cart. After signing his name to the required slip, and giving what he hoped was a respectable tip, he shut the door.

Seifer emerged from the shower wearing just a towel, and without hesitation headed directly for the food cart. Hyne was he ever starved. It didn't take him long to remove the silver covers and fill his plate with a little of everything. He ate ravenously.

Squall aimlessly wandered around the room while Seifer ate, picking up Seifer's clothes and unpacking his suitcase. He wasn't particularly hungry himself even though he hadn't eaten in almost as long as Seifer had. The thought of food just wasn't appealing to him.

When he had finished, cleaning up he went into the bathroom and nearly slipped on the wet floor Seifer had left for him. Shaking his head, he used a towel to mop up the excess water on the floor, and then removed his clothes. Standing in front of the full-length mirror, he studied his reflection for a moment. He wasn't exactly scrawny, his muscles were well defined and he had an admirable set of abdominal muscles that rippled when he moved. But he had a lean sort of musculature that when covered by clothes, made him appear almost feminine in size. He stuck his tongue out at his reflection, getting the same in return. He decided that he hated the way that he looked. Forget all those women who admired him and told him he was handsome. What the hell did they know? He didn't want their admiration or their compliments; he just wanted to be left the hell alone.

He got into the shower and let the hot water soothe tight and aching muscles. He was way too tense and he knew it. He would be in a bad spot if he were pressed into a fight anytime soon. The hot water tingled as it worked its magic. He could have stayed in here all night but as inevitable as the rising sun, the hot water began to cool down. Maybe he would make his mark in the world by inventing the first hot water system that worked off of geothermal energy, for an inexhaustible supply of hot water. Every one would want one.

He rolled his eyes as he got out of the shower. He was a soldier not an engineer. Even if he were able to work out the schematics of it, it would be an expensive endeavor. He should stick with what he was good at.

He wrapped the towel around his waist. He didn't want to go out there and face Seifer but staying in the bathroom wasn't an option either. Seifer had invited himself along on this little journey, might as well make the best of it and ignore him and his comments.

Only a bedside lamp lighted the room, Seifer was on one of the beds leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette still wearing only a towel. Squall ignored him and waved his hand in front of his face to clear the air a little. He hated Seifer's dirty little habit but he wasn't going to say anything.

He hung up his clothes deciding that they could be worn one more day before he would have to visit a drycleaners. Gingerly stepping around the food cart, he began to stack up Seifer's dishes and put the silver lids back on the leftovers. Aware that Seifer was watching him he quit tidying up and went to his own bed, a little embarrassed that he was so domestic. Sometimes he hated his genetic makeup that made him a clean freak. He wished that he could be a normal guy and not give a shit about whether or not things were neat and in their place. Maybe he would try and see whether or not he could live with a mess.

He turned down the blankets, got in, and immediately turning his back to Seifer and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to steal him away from reality for a while.

Seifer finished his cigarette and stubbed it out, putting the ashtray on the nightstand by the lamp. He watched Squall's back as it moved with his breathing. He wondered why Squall was being so quiet. Maybe it was because he was tired. He did fall asleep in the car. It was obvious the he hadn't been sleeping well. The evidence was in the dark circles under his eyes. And yet, maybe he was being quiet because he was mad at him. He did poke a little fun at him for moaning in his sleep.

"Hey Squall, you asleep?"

Squall opened his eyes and stared at the wall.

"I uh… just wanted to say that I hope you aren't mad or nothing."

Not getting any response, he assumed that he had gone unheard. Quietly he switched off the lamp and settled down under the blankets, and closed his eyes.

The next morning, Seifer woke to find Squall gone. At first, a wave of panic swept through him at the sight of the empty bed, but a glance at the wardrobe told him he hadn't taken his stuff. Breathing a sigh of relief, he called down to order some breakfast.

When lunchtime came and went without any sign of Squall, Seifer began to get really nervous. He paced the floor to pass the time. He knew what would be waiting for him out there if he went to go look for him and he didn't relish that idea at all. And so he paced.

An hour before dinner, Seifer couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed his trench coat and threw open the door only to surprise Squall who stood there with his arms full of packages and the room key between his teeth. Seifer's mouth hung open for a moment, caught somewhere between anger at Squall for his being gone so long and hilarity at the sight of the room key in his mouth.

Squall thrust the packages at Seifer and grabbed a couple more from beside the door. When he was inside, he kicked the door closed behind him and spit the key out on the table.

Seifer put the packages down on his bed. "What is all this stuff?"

"Well I bought some food for one thing, uhh… there are some toiletries and some new clothes. I am taking the others down to the drycleaners in the morning along with mine, so you need to decide whether you want me to take your jacket too." Squall dug through some of the packages and tossed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt at Seifer.

"Surely you haven't been shopping all day. What the hell took you so long?" He followed Squall around as he put things away.

Squall stopped and sighed, "What are you my mother now? Or how about my wife? You sound like a woman Seifer, stop it!" he said irritably.

'_Sounded like a woman? What the hell?'_ Seifer gritted his teeth together, heated anger began to rise in him, causing his face to flush and his fists to clench. He grabbed Squall roughly and pinned him against the wall using his own weight and stature to keep him there. He stared down at Squall who defiantly stared back. There was an unmistakable challenge held in those eyes, one that Seifer couldn't resist.

Roughly, he pressed his lips against Squall's, making sure that he held onto both of his hands with one of his own. The other hand grabbed Squall's crotch and began kneading it with steady pressure.

There was no hesitation, no playfulness, just a demand that was going to be met no matter what.

Squall winced at the pressure he was putting on his groin. He hadn't been expecting this reaction from Seifer. He had insulted him many times before and got nothing in return but a bigger insult. He couldn't really believe this was happening. Was Seifer going to rape him? Or just try and scare him.

He decided that if it was going to happen then he was going to have to work for it. He would get no help, no encouragement from him. He let himself go limp against Seifer, whose answer was to just throw him face down onto the bed. Seifer's knee hit him just above his hips and ground his torso into the mattress. He cried out in pain as he turned his head to keep from suffocating.

He could feel Seifer's labored breathing above him, he silently wondered why he just didn't do it and get it over with. His knee was digging painfully into his back making it difficult to breath. _'Maybe he is wondering just how to get me undressed? Who would have thought that all these belts I wear would be a rape prevention device!'_

Suddenly the pressure of Seifer's knee was gone, and Squall was only dimly aware of the shutting of the front door. He lay there breathing heavily until the black spots in his vision began to clear. Slowly he sat up trying not to jar his back. There was definitely going to be a bruise from that.

Oddly enough though, he felt no anger towards Seifer for what he had attempted, just mild irritation. He had to wonder at that. Shouldn't he be upset? He shook his head. He was getting tired of trying to figure himself out. Things that shouldn't bother him did and those that should he should have cared immensely for, he couldn't give a shit about.

He got up and began picking things up and putting the rest of his purchases away. He thought about going after Seifer, but then thought better of it. It was one thing to almost get raped in a hotel room, he wasn't going to push his luck and have it happen in public somewhere. No Seifer, was a big boy and had lived for more than a year on his own. He didn't need a babysitter.

Sometime after midnight, Seifer walked in. He had obviously been drinking but Squall quickly assessed that he wasn't shit faced. If he was, he hid it better that Irvine did.

He threw his trench coat over the chair and plopped down on Squall's bed. Squall, who had been reading near the window, just went back to his book, ignoring Seifer.

He ran his hands through his hair. He couldn't keep going on like this. He was relieved that Squall was still here, although he was a bit surprised by it. There was nothing he could say that would make what he had attempted to do go away, so he chose to just say nothing at all.

He unlaced his boots and pulled them off. This was going to be a rough night there was no way around it. They would both be silent and in the morning, it would still be there. _'Why do I always go and fuck everything up? I'm like a walking disaster waiting to happen.'_

He plopped back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

"There's food if you want it. I'm going to bed." With that, Squall put down his book and headed for Seifer's bed. When he pulled off his shirt, he heard Seifer gasp.

"Oh man, I didn't think that it would bruise that badly. Hyne, I am such a shit!" He moved off the bed and stood next to Squall inspecting the bruise on his back. Squall allowed him to examine his handy work before attempting to put his shirt back on. Seifer grabbed the shirt and threw it onto the chair. "Stop it. Covering it up isn't going to make it go away, now sit down I have a potion running around in my stuff somewhere."

Squall watched as Seifer dug through the pockets of his trench coat until he produced a small vial. He pushed Squall onto his side on the bed and began to rub the liquid onto his bruised skin.

While Seifer was seeing to his injury Squall thought about their relationship for that was what it really was. He had been thinking about it since Seifer had left. The conclusions he was drawing didn't surprise him any. It was as if he had always known, but just had to be reminded of it.

This right here was the nature of their relationship. Seifer demanded and Squall fought against him, but let him ask and there wasn't anything that Squall would not have done for him. To outsiders it seemed to be nothing more than rivalry, but that just wasn't the case. Let someone step in between that rivalry and both would have turned on the offender in a heartbeat.

This was the side of Seifer that the other's had never seen. They never bothered to ask for instance how he managed to get to the infirmary after Seifer had scarred his face. It had been a hard fight; one that had continued long after Squall had left his own mark on Seifer's face. Squall had fought until they both could no longer lift their weapons. Still they would never know and Squall would never tell that somehow Seifer had found the strength to carry him to the infirmary and have Doctor Kadowaki paged before making his exit.

They were part of a whole, each incomplete without the other. Without Seifer, there he just couldn't deal with things. And when he believed him dead, there was little doubt in his mind that eventually he would have taken his own life.

Seifer's hands began massaging more than just the bruised part of his back drawing a contented moan from him. The potion tingled like pins and needles where Seifer's hands touched him. It was a delicious torture to his stressed and abused muscles. He felt more relaxed and at ease than he had in ages. There was no pressure to succeed, no need for competition. Just him and Seifer's magic hands that were working miracles on muscles that he had long since given up on relaxing.

"Do you know where we should go?" Seifer asked while he worked.

"MMM… where?"

"There is a spot near Trabia that has some wonderful hot springs I think that you would benefit from them."

"I'll keep it in mind. Now shut up and keep working!"

Seifer laughed but did as he was told. He didn't stop until long after Squall had fallen asleep.

It was funny how things never seemed to happen the way he thought they would when it came to Squall. Had he done to someone else what he had done to Squall he would probably be a dead man by now. But Squall was Squall there was no one else like him. He was his Ice Prince. And right now, he was in heaven just being allowed to touch him. He had been sure when he left that Squall would be gone when he got back. He couldn't really blame him either, so he had gone out drinking. At least when he was buzzed he could pretend like things really didn't matter. But then the morning would come and he wouldn't have been able to pretend anymore. That would have been very bad. But he was glad he didn't have to worry about that. Squall had been here when he returned and he was grateful.

He finally dragged himself away from Squall's sleeping form. Thanks to the potion, the bruise on his back was already fading to a dull yellow. He looked regretfully at it but when he really thought about it, he knew that there would be other such prizes. He couldn't help that. It was part of him. He tried to be gentle but even in his gentleness he could be brutal. Just ask plenty of working women in Galbadia and Esthar. It wasn't that he meant to do it, it just happened. That at least was something that he had never had to explain to Squall. He understood on an almost instinctive level that being around Seifer meant putting up with some pain. He never complained, and in a way that worried Seifer. How was he ever to know if he had gone too far if he never complained about anything?

He stretched and yawned mightily, before heading to the other bed. Tomorrow would definitely be an interesting day.

When he woke, he knew that Squall wasn't there even before he opened his eyes. The room just had an empty feel to it that Seifer had never liked. He glanced paranoid at the wardrobe just to satisfy himself that he wasn't gone for good. He got up and looked around. Squall had been busy while he slept. He smiled when he thought about Squall and his cleaning habits. He wasn't used to having someone clean up after him and he had to admit that it irked him some. He disliked order and having a clean room to him was akin to a sin. Guys just did not live that way. He was definitely going to have to change Squall's views.

Out of spite, he took the towels out of the bathroom and threw them on the floor. He looked for more laundry though apparently, Squall was as good as his word. Every article of clothing he owned was gone. Hey! Even the clothes that Squall had bought for him was gone too!

He was at a loss for words. It would seem that yet again he had misjudged him. There was a mean streak in him after all and in fact, he wasn't above revenge either. The little shit must have known that he would go out again if he weren't here when he woke up.

There was nothing else to do but wait, so he sat on the bed. After only about three seconds that felt more like three years, he got up and paced the floor. He hated having to stay inside. But if he were to consider the alternative, he knew it was for the best. He had gotten lucky last night that he hadn't been recognized. To pass the time he picked up the book that Squall had been reading. It turned out to be a collection of poetry by various authors. He had never thought of Squall as a poetry person but there was no accounting for taste. He himself could do without it.

The cover was well worn and the binding opened almost automatically to a well ear marked page. Hmmm maybe he would be able to learn something new about Squall. He didn't know he liked poetry, which was something, but what kind of poem did he like?

He glanced at the poem and noticed that it was also underlined. Boy, this must really hold some sort of meaning. He settled down to read.

**If **

**By Rudyard Kipling **

**If you can keep your head when all about you **

**Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, **

**If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you. **

**But make allowance for their doubting too, **

**If you can wait and not be tired by waiting. **

**Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, **

**Or being hated, don't give way to hating, **

**And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: **

**If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master, **

**If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim, **

**If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster **

**And treat those two impostors just the same, **

**If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken **

**Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, **

**Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, **

**And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: **

**If you can make one heap of all your winnings **

**And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, **

**And lose, and start again at your beginnings **

**And never breathe a word about your loss, **

**If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew **

**To serve your turn long after they are gone, **

**And so hold on when there is nothing in you **

**Except the Will, which says to them: Hold on!' **

**If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, **

**Or walk with Kings -- nor lose the common touch, **

**If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, **

**If all men count with you, but none too much; **

**If you can fill the unforgiving minute **

**With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, **

**Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, **

**And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son! **

Seifer was impressed. Here was the very thing that made Squall himself. What was more, he found himself impressed with the simplicity of it. If he really thought about it, he would have to say that he might even like this particular piece.

He scanned through some more of the poems but none of them really held any interest for him. There was one about a tree which even though it was stupid, he found the first line stuck in his head. "I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree." He grimaced as though he had tasted something bad.

He put the book back on the table just as Squall came through the door.

"Well I half expected to come back here to discover you had gone streaking."

"Who me? Nahh, I save that for holidays and special birthday's."

Squall put his clean clothes into the wardrobe and handed Seifer his so that he could get dressed.

"Speaking of birthday's didn't you have one a few days ago?"

"Yeah, but you know I don't celebrate the damn thing. I mean why would I want to celebrate the day I killed my mother."

Seifer nodded in understanding and decided to change the subject. "I read some of the poetry in your book. The poem "IF" was pretty good. If I had to say so, it describes you pretty well."

"Actually the book isn't mine. It's Laguna's, he gave that to me the last time I was in Esthar."

"Well, then I guess it describes him pretty well too."

"Gahh! Did you have to say that?"

Seifer laughed, "You aren't getting a complex about your father are you?"

"No I'm not getting a complex. And how did you know he was my father? You psychic and just not telling anybody?"

Again Seifer laughed. "No, I spent a little over six weeks at Garden listening to Allen who told me a lot of interesting things, including that Laguna Loire, President of Esthar was none other that Squall Leonhart's father. You would be surprised how much that janitor knows."

"Remind me to thank him later. Just what else did he tell you? You have that look that says I know something you think I don't know."

"It's nothing Squall, it wasn't anything important. He just told me that you and Rinoa broke up."

"Oh…"

Seifer watched as Squall's face went like ice. The pleasant banter would be no more. Mentioning Rinoa had been a mistake. Damn the girl wasn't even here and she was still causing problems.

He took his clothes to the bathroom and took a shower before getting dressed. When he came out, Squall had made lunch and was presently pushing his food around on his plate. Seifer didn't like the fact that Squall had little to no appetite, and the fact that he had eaten almost nothing since they had arrived here was not lost on him.

He sat down across from him and filled his plate. "You actually going to ingest some of that or were you hoping to eat it through osmosis?" he said indicating Squall's plate with his fork.

Squall sighed and lay his fork down, "I'm just not hungry ok?" He pushed his plate away and went to stand beside the window.

Seifer didn't know what else to do, he watched Squall who faced the window.

Silence prevailed until the sun had set. Both seemed to be lost in their own thoughts, each unwilling to put voice to what they were thinking. When the light had dwindled to nothing, Seifer got up and joined Squall at the window. Together they watched the lights of Balamb.

The next morning, Seifer was up early for once. He ordered breakfast and when it arrived, he woke Squall. While he was busy in the bathroom, he filled both plates and sat down to wait. It didn't take long.

Squall sat down at the table and looked at his plate, then at Seifer. He rolled his eyes but picked up his fork anyway. Slowly he began to eat. Seifer smiled and dug in himself. Although Squall didn't eat everything, it was a vast improvement over having nothing at all.

With breakfast over, Squall got up and began to put things into his suitcase. Seifer cocked his head to the side questioningly. "Are we leaving now?"

Squall nodded his head, and put Seifer's things on top of his own. This made Seifer smile. "I take it I get to go then?"

Squall cracked a lopsided grin. "Were you always this annoying or am I just now discovering your more basic charms since living with you."

"What can I say? At least I don't talk in my sleep. Which you do!"

"I talk in my sleep? Well you grind your teeth so we are even!"

Both looked at each other and laughed. It felt good to ease the tension that had been growing between them. Seifer just hoped that it would last.

Seifer took the bags to be loaded up in the car while Squall paid up the remaining balance of the bill they owed. When he opened the back door, he was surprised to find a familiar black case lying there. It was the case to Hyperion. Squall never ceased to amaze him. It was always the little things that he thought of that most people wouldn't have given a shit about. He must have gotten it the day he was gone for so long.

He was still standing there looking at it when Squall came out.

"You going to stand there all day Almasy?"

"Why? You going to sue me if I do?"

"No, suing you isn't what I had in mind and if you don't move your ass you will find out just how well Hyperion fits up it!"

"Grouchy much?" Seifer smirked and slammed the door. He got in the driver's seat and started the car. Without looking back, they left Balamb headed for destinations unknown. Wherever they ended up though Seifer was glad that it would be together.

**(End chapter 8)**


	9. A Place to Call Home

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 9**

**A Place to Call Home**

The Deling City Fair was always a spectacular display of lights and sounds. Everywhere you turned there was always something new to see. It was a mass of confusion that somehow managed to look completely planned.

The evening was perfect for a fair. There was a cool autumn breeze that blew through the crowds bringing with it the scent of greasy food and the sweet aroma of cotton candy.

Seifer and Squall walked slowly through the crowded streets, enjoying the atmosphere. Every once in awhile Seifer would lean down and whisper something to Squall that would make him smile. They had been a lot of places since they had left Garden nearly six weeks ago, but this had to be the best by far. It was shadowed slightly by the memory of the last fair held here, but neither of them wanted to remember that.

The crowds were lining up along the streets in preparation for the coming parade, and Seifer wanted to get them a good place, so he grabbed Squall's hand and led him through the throngs of people. Squall was a little surprised by this but didn't resist. When they got to the corner of the street, Seifer stopped but didn't let go of Squall's hand. Instead, he twined his fingers through Squalls and just let them hang there as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He craned his head to look down the street a wide smile on his face and Squall couldn't help but notice that he looked almost child like in his anticipation.

The blaring music and fireworks signaled the beginning of the parade, and Seifer whooped and hollered for all he was worth. This made Squall laugh and shake his head.

"What? Can't I enjoy myself?" Seifer laughed as he looked down at Squall. "You know it's okay to let yourself go and be stupid!" He yelled over the din. "Everybody is doing it, nobody is paying any attention, and nobody cares! That's the whole idea! So get with the program!"

Squall rolled his eyes but decided what the hell. He might as well enjoy the moment. He yelled with Seifer who squeezed his hand in appreciation. The dancers came, followed by the floats that were each more interesting than the last. There was even a float dedicated to the defeat of Ultimecia. Complete with figures of Squall and the others. Seifer glanced down at him and quirked an eyebrow smiling, Squall knew what he was thinking and blushed.

As he watched the parade going by, he thought that he had spotted across the street a familiar figure dressed in light blue. _'Could it be?'_ He waited for another break in the parade and sure enough, there she was, Rinoa. She looked as if she was enjoying herself. Her eyes were lit with delight and she clapped her hands and waved to the people on the floats.

Squall didn't know what he should feel at that moment. There was the girl that had fought hard for his affection only to have it denied to her, and here he stood holding hands with her ex-boyfriend.

When the float came by that held Miss Galbadia, Seifer wolf whistled so loud it hurt Squall's ears. He had no idea the Seifer could do that. He would have to remember that in the future.

Another break in the parade allowed him to see Rinoa standing on her tiptoes trying to see around the people and floats. When Seifer whistled again, to Squall's horror she zeroed in on them. She must have heard and recognized Seifer's whistle. Squall yanked his hand from Seifer's and tried to back up, but there were too many people behind him. It was too late she had spotted them and he could tell that she meant to cross the street when an opportunity presented itself.

Seifer looked at Squall when he let go of his hand. He didn't know what was wrong but from the look on Squall's face, it had to be something bad.

"Squall…? What is it?"

"Rinoa!"

"Where?" he said turning to look where Squall had been staring, he didn't see her but decided to take Squall's word for it.

"Lets go I don't want to see her anymore than you do."

He put a hand on Squall's back and propelled him through the crowd. It was easier with Seifer behind him because at 6' 2" Seifer was an imposing figure especially when he was determined, and right now he was determined to get as many people between them and Rinoa as possible. As soon as they were clear of the crowds, they began to run as fast as they could. By the time, they were back at the car they were out of breath but were still trying to laugh. Squall was bent over with his hands on his thighs trying to catch his breath. When he heard "There you are!"

Squall straightened up immediately and looked at Seifer who had a scowl as big as Garden on his face. A female came running from the darkness and passed them both stopping to hug a man who was getting out of a car.

They looked at each other and laughed uneasily. "Lets get out of here before she really does show up." Seifer said as he looked around.

When they got back to their room, Seifer plopped in a chair and Squall just sort of slipped down to the floor in front of the door. Seifer grinned at him. "What are you doing down there? Afraid she's going to come busting through the door?"

"Maybe… would you put it past her?"

"Hmmm with her being a Sorceress now, she could just pass right through it you know. I saw Edea do it plenty of times."

The stricken look that appeared on Squall's face made Seifer burst out in laughter. "Oh stop it Squall, she doesn't know where we are, and even if she did she has better manners than that. She would politely knock and THEN roast us alive.

Squall got up ignoring that particular comment and sat down across from Seifer. For a few minutes, silence prevailed. Squall knew that now would be a good time to bring up what he had been thinking about, but he didn't know how Seifer would react to his suggestion, and after seeing Rinoa, he wanted more than anything to just get the hell out of Deling City. At least there would be a plan of action, something more than just aimless wandering. He sighed and got up to look out the window. He knew Seifer would take it as a sign of paranoia over Rinoa, but at the moment, he didn't care.

"I have been doing a lot of thinking about things." he began, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"You don't say, hmm…. that's a new one on me."

"Shut up Seifer, I am trying to be serious here."

"Oh right, sorry. Please go ahead."

"I have been trying to think of somewhere we could go where we would just be left in peace. I think I came up with the perfect answer and it was staring me in the face the whole time."

"What's that?"

"Well, the orphanage of course. Nobody lives there anymore and it is isolated, it is in a word perfect."

"You want us to move into that dump? Oh Hyne Squall, it doesn't even have running water anymore. What are we going to do fix it up?" Even as the words were coming out of his mouth, he could see that this was exactly what Squall had been thinking. He shook his head in disbelief.

"You don't like it I can see that Seifer, but if you really want to face facts here, it isn't like we have a whole lot of choices. Everywhere we go we are going to be recognized, at least if we were at the orphanage the chances of people showing up there are slim. No hassles, no arguments, no fights and probably best of all no interference.

"Alright, I suppose you have a point there, but I warn you Squall fixing that dump up enough to be livable is going to be expensive and hard work."

"What, are you afraid of a little hard work Almasy? Getting soft at the ripe old age of nineteen?"

"I'm not nineteen yet and no I am not getting soft. Shall I prove it to you," he asked wickedly as he got up and made his way over to where Squall was standing.

Squall blushed furiously and rolled his eyes. "Tch, is that all you ever think about, you pervert?"

"Why? Do I make you nervous? He asked as he ran a finger along Squall's jaw line.

"You are horrid, why do I put up with you?"

"Because you can't stand to be without me now?"

He grabbed his hand and pushed it away, "You wish Almasy."

Seifer snickered "Say what you like Leonhart, I know the truth." He got up and ruffled Squall's hair as he headed towards the bathroom.

Squall absentmindedly smoothed his hair back into place he was already lost in making mental plans.

When Squall opened his eyes the next morning he was greeted by a pair of sea green ones staring into his. He jumped. "Hyne Seifer what are you doing?"

"Just seeing how long it would take before it woke you up."

Squall pushed him out of the way so that he could sit up. "Don't do that again," he said irritably, as he headed for the bathroom.

Seifer had discovered that Squall was definitely not a morning person way back when they were kids at the orphanage, but he still liked to irritate him whenever possible. He chuckled happily as he poured black coffee into Squall's cup.

When Squall returned to find his coffee cup steaming with fresh coffee, he felt his irritation at Seifer slip. How could he stay mad at someone who had brought him coffee?

Oh well, they had a busy day in front of them. One that he had been dreading but it was necessary if they were going to get all the materials they needed to fix the orphanage. Well getting them wasn't the problem moving them was. The train had a weight limit and of course, there weren't any trains that went to the orphanage. They needed something else, and Squall had hit upon the idea of Laguna and his Ragnarok II that the people of Esthar had built for him. He had no qualms about Laguna saying no, because he wouldn't. But it was just the asking that was giving Squall trouble. He didn't want to have to explain why he needed it. And knowing Laguna, he would want to feign interest in his son's activities and ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions.

He drank his coffee and looked around the room. Seifer had already packed them up obviously because their bags were at the door. The one bag between them had grown to three suitcases, two gunblade cases and a carry on bag that Seifer insisted on getting but wouldn't carry because he said it looked like a purse.

It did appear that for all his complaining Seifer was in a hurry to go. Well he didn't want to dampen his enthusiasm so he might as well get dressed.

Two hours later Seifer was banging on the bathroom door. "Hey! Hurry up in there! If you aren't out here in two seconds I am coming in there and hauling your ass out!"

Squall opened the door, and all Seifer could do was stare open mouthed. He was dressed in blue jeans and a dark blue button up shirt, which was open at the top.

"Put your tongue away Seifer, it's drawing dust." He said as he brushed past him.

"Wow Squall, you look good."

"As opposed to the rest of the time which I look like shit."

"That's not what I meant, it's just that I have never seen you wear anything but the leather."

"Well quit drooling it's embarrassing!"

He felt naked and Seifer staring at him like that wasn't helping. While he had dressed like this with a purpose in mind, he didn't think he was going to be able to go through with it if Seifer didn't stop.

It was meant to put Laguna off his guard so that he wouldn't ask too many questions. And if Seifer's reaction were any indication, he would say that he had achieved the desired effect.

"Squall?"

"Yeah Seifer, what." He growled.

"You should dress like this more often. It suits you is all."

"I will keep that in mind, now if I haven't addled your brains too much do you think you can drive us to the train station or should we take the bus?"

"I can drive," he said defensively. Squall's comment hit him where it hurt most, his pride.

"Good now lets go!"

The bustling City of Esthar lay sprawled out across the desert like a mirage. The technology and beauty of it was breathtaking, but Squall had seen it before. The car that had arrived from the presidential palace had been a surprise. He had only called Laguna about five minutes before getting off the train, and already there was a car and driver waiting.

Seifer was eating it up. He dropped the bags at the back of the car and waited for the driver to open his door. Squall smacked him in the back and opened the door getting in before Seifer.

"What? Opening doors is that guys job Squall, why not take advantage of it."

"Why not act like you have a brain and can do things for yourself."

"Damn! Bitchy much?"

"Shut up Seifer!"

They rode in silence to the palace and were greeted as they got out by Laguna and Kiros.

Laguna shook Squall's hand heartily seeming genuinely happy that he was here. But then again he shook Seifer's hand just as enthusiastically so Squall wasn't exactly sure. Kiros bowed to them both and led the way inside.

Laguna talked non-stop as they rode the elevator up to the top floors. Squall heard only about half of it but Seifer filled in for his end of the conversation for him so it didn't seem quite as awkward as it would have if he had come by himself.

As they entered into the offices Laguna was interrupted by a secretary carrying a bunch of papers that needed his signature. Squall could sympathize with him on that one. After being a SeeD Commander, he never wanted to see another sheet of paper as long as he lived.

While Laguna was busy, he took the opportunity to look around. It had been a while since he had been here and there had been a couple of changes. There now hung a portrait of his mother near the bookcase, and there was Squall's Citation of Command certificate in a gold frame near the desk. He paused to wonder for a moment how he had gotten that, but knowing Cid, he had given it to Laguna. There were also newspaper clippings of him and his exploits as he tried to save the world from destruction. He had no idea that Laguna had them, much less wanted people to know.

"Just a couple memento's I hope you don't mind." He said as he scrawled his final signature.

"No, it's fine, I don't mind. The picture of Rain is a nice touch too. She looks happy."

"It's how I remember her being," he said as a hint of sadness entered his voice. There was so much more he wanted to say to the boy, but how could he? What right had he to give advice or even an opinion? He hadn't known about him true enough but when he did find out that he existed he hadn't bothered to try and find him. He had figured that if the boy were interested enough he would find him. But that had been wrong and it had taken Ellone to point it out to him. He had left the boy to think he was alone in the world for seventeen years, and there was no getting that time back.

Squall cleared his throat in an attempt to bring Laguna back to the present. But it was Seifer who started howling in laughter that finally did it. Laguna grinned sheepishly and ran his hand through the hair that had escaped his ponytail. Squall just glared at Seifer.

"Well how does it feel Squall?" he said before launching into another fit of hilarity.

Laguna looked confused but smiled anyway, and indicated a chair for Squall to sit in.

Squall decided not to prolong this meeting any longer than necessary besides Seifer was being more than a little obnoxious and it was really making him angry.

"The reason I am here Laguna is that I was wondering if I might be able to borrow the Ragnarok II. I know that it seems a little presumptuous of me to ask for your personal aircraft, but…"

Laguna held up his hand, "Hold it Squall, I can't let you take the Rag II."

"But," Squall started but again Laguna raised his hand to stop him.

"I might be able to do something better. How about I give you the Ragnarok? It is after all a craft you are familiar with and you won't have to return it."

Squall was stunned he didn't know what to think. He wanted to give him the Ragnarok for good? His mouth opened and closed several times. He wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came to mind. He was a complete blank.

"We would be honored to have it Laguna," said Seifer with more eloquence than Squall knew he possessed.

"Great! I will call down to the air station and have it prepped for you. But I do want one thing in return."

"What is that?" asked Seifer.

"I want you to make sure that Squall comes back to visit me. I don't want us to be strangers forever. That's all I ask."

"He will be here, I will make sure of it," he nodded his head once in agreement.

Squall recovered enough from his shock to stand but he still felt as if he should actually say something, but then Seifer was at his side, shoring him up beside him and he felt much better. Laguna raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. He shook hands with Seifer and then looked into Squall's eyes.

"Your welcome" he said sincerely.

All Squall could manage was a nod of his head and then he allowed Seifer to lead him out of the room. When they were out of the elevator Squall broke away from Seifer and walked a short distance down the hall. He leaned his forehead against the cool tile. He had sorely misjudged Laguna, and he knew it. He had allowed a prejudice to interfere with his perception and because of it had alienated his only living family that he had left.

He felt Seifer's hand on his shoulder and was grateful that he had been there and said the things that he could not say. He reached up and held onto his hand.

Seifer smiled widely. This was the first contact that Squall had initiated and it felt wonderful.

"It's alright Squall, we all have view points that are a bit skewed from time to time."

Squall turned around to look him in the eyes. "How is it that you can know me so well? I don't even know myself that well. It's insane that you know what I am thinking. Am I that transparent?"

"To me you are," he said wrapping his arm around Squall's waist supportively and leading him outside.

The driver took them to the hanger that housed Ragnarok. As they went inside Seifer whistled, "That's some machine. You sure you can fly this thing?"

"Yeah, I got a crash course from Esthar Ground Control before the autopilot was engaged."

"Man I missed a lot. When did this happen?"

"Uhh are you sure you want to talk about this?"

"Sure why wouldn't I."

"Alright then I will tell you as soon as I get the pre-launch out of the way."

Seifer shrugged his shoulders and went up the loading bay door behind Squall. He was impressed with the construction and layout of the ship. It seemed to be very solidly made, and Squall seemed pretty confident about what he was doing. But still the idea of Squall flying this thing made him nervous as hell. He would never admit it though.

Squall seated himself at the control panel and thought briefly of Rinoa who had occupied the seat the Seifer was sitting in now. How he had risked everything to save her, only to treat her so callously in the end. She really didn't deserve that from him, but he couldn't help it. Something in the back of his mind had always been screaming that it hadn't been right. She wanted him to be her Knight in Shining Armor but what he really was inside was what Seifer called him. The Ice Prince. There was no denying it. He was a cold bastard and she had deserved better.

He roughly shoved aside his thoughts, brought up the flight computer, and began calculating their flight plan.

Seifer had been watching him closely and knew that his thoughts had taken him somewhere he didn't want to go. The fact that he had pursed his lips into a thin line told him he wasn't happy with himself again. But he remained silent.

When the pre-launch was finished, Squall engaged the engines and hovered for a moment in the hanger, to get a feel for the ship. When he was sure that he would be able to handle a take off he landed and cut the engines back some.

Seifer had been waiting patiently. He knew that Squall would eventually get around to talking to him. Anymore it was almost becoming compulsory for him to do so, like he couldn't help himself.

"Okay, you asked about my crash course in avionics. Well…" he explained as best he could. But he wasn't looking at Seifer while he spoke his eyes were focused inward on something a little deeper.

Seifer was quiet only nodding his head from time to time because there was something that Squall didn't want to say. And it had to do with this ship he was sure. But that was okay. He was entitled to a few secrets. He wasn't going to pry. Okay so he really wanted to but he didn't want to push Squall into a corner over it.

When Squall had finished with his explanation about how he and Rinoa had gotten lucky finding the Ragnarok. He toggled the flight computer again and brought the ship out of the hanger. The take off pressure pushed them both into their seats. Seifer couldn't help it he saw his life going to hell with Squall at the helm.

When they finally leveled off Squall set the autopilot with the coordinates of the orphanage, which was on an island all by itself and sat back with his arms crossed and one leg slung over the other. He could have been sleeping from his posture and for all appearances with his chin on his chest that's exactly the impression he gave, but Seifer knew he was thinking. And it was about the memories that this ship held for him.

He let it go, he himself had things he didn't want to tell Squall so it was only fair that he be able to keep a few things to himself. He unbuckled his seatbelt and decided to wander around for a while to familiarize himself with the ship. Besides watching Squall fly had been nerve wracking, but watching him NOT fly was even worse.

He had gotten turned around somewhere. He was sure that he had been in here before. He was heading to a set of stairs leading up when Squall's voice came over the intercom. "Hang onto something Seifer, we are landing but we have a wicked air current coming off the ocean."

Seifer didn't even have time to react. A sudden shift slammed him into the bulkhead, his head striking it hard. Pain mushroomed through his brain and he could feel his legs giving way beneath him. Sheer will kept him on his feet. He managed to grab onto the stair railing and sit down hard on the stairs while the ship pitched and rolled. Finally, the ship made contact with the ground hard enough to send shudders through it.

When Squall found him, he had one hand securely wrapped around the stair railing and the other over a gash on his head. He was bent over and watching the blood strike the floor a foot below. "Holy Shit Seifer! Are you okay?" he ran up the few stairs to kneel in front of him.

A wry smile was plastered on his lips. "Next time I drive Leonhart!"

"Let me see that," he said as he tried to push Seifer's hand out of the way. "Let me see it damn it!"

"It looks worse than it is Squall, head wounds always do."

"I still want to see it Seifer now do you mind dropping the heroics and just let me look at it?"

He dropped his hand and winced as Squall poked and prodded around it. "Damn! OW! HEY! OW!" he hissed.

"Oh quit being a baby will you and hold still!"

"Easy for you to say you aren't the one being molested! Just wait till it's my turn!"

"Well maybe if you would hold still it wouldn't hurt so much!"

"I will remember you said that!" Seifer growled.

"Making plans are we?" he asked nonchalantly as he inspected the wound.

Seifer rolled his eyes around to look at Squall who had just so casually made a comment that he never thought he would. He wasn't blushing either, which Seifer found very interesting.

Squall took off his blue shirt and wadding it up pressed it to the wound, sending shockwaves of pain through Seifer's head.

"OW! Shit Squall don't you have a Curaga or something?"

"Why? I thought you could handle pain."

"Cute very cute!" he said wryly.

"It's not that serious, I want to keep my magic for something a little more life threatening that just a scratch," he said as he took Seifer's hand and pressed it to the shirt. He turned and headed for the loading bay door. "You going to sit there all day?"

Seifer shook his head. "Fucking Asshole!" He muttered under his breath, but was still smiling as he followed Squall out of the Ragnarok.

The orphanage was worse than Seifer had imagined it being. There was almost no roof left and a couple of walls had fallen in, and it was raining to boot. It wasn't a warm tropical rain either it was a stingingly cold downpour that had chilled him to the bone already. He spotted Squall going through the front door with no shirt on. If he didn't put on a jacket or something, he was going to freeze. Reluctantly he followed him inside and was immediately assaulted by memories.

This had once been home. He had been happy here until Ellone had left, and with her leaving Squall had become someone else. Never wanting to play, always quiet and often alone. He had tried so hard to draw him out. To make him understand that he missed Ellone too but that he was still there and he wasn't leaving. To show him that he could be relied on to be there for him whenever he needed him.

"Squall? Where you going? Come back! Hey, I want to go too! Wait up!"

"You building a sandcastle? Here I'll help. Hey I was only trying to help!"

"I want to be your friend, why won't you let me be your friend Squall? Do you hate me? Am I bad? Squall talk to me, please?"

"Hey wait up! Don't walk away! Pay attention to me!

The memory ends with the bloody nose that Squall had given him. He had just looked at Seifer with no emotion showing in his eyes, and that had scared Seifer badly. He just wanted Squall to play with him and now that look in his eyes was terrifying. He had tried to apologize but Squall had walked away. He remembered that he had stayed away from the orphanage all day thinking that Squall was going to tell on him and he was going to get into trouble. But when he was called for dinner, no one mentioned anything about it because Squall had not said a word.

"Seifer? You okay over there? Did you hear what I said?"

"Uhh yeah sorry Squall got lost in memories that's all."

"I know what you mean, it was the same way for me too when I first came back here."

"What did you remember Squall? Was it Ellone leaving?"

"There were other memories but yeah, that one stood out. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. I was just curious that's all."

He took the shirt away from his head and glanced down at it. Of course, it was ruined and for some reason that made him very sad. Sighing heavily, he took off his trench coat and put it around Squall's shoulders. Squall looked up at him and smiled.

"We are going to have to stay on the Ragnarok tonight. When the rain stops tomorrow, we will get busy hauling some of this trash out of here. In the mean time where do you want to go pick up supplies at?"

"Uhh let me think about it for a bit. I think I better go back to the Ragnarok and sit down Squall, I feel a bit woozy."

"Here hold still for a minute," he said as he cast Curaga on him.

"I thought you said you didn't want to use it for just a scratch?"

"I changed my mind, if you were feeling light headed you probably had a concussion."

"Ahh, ok. Listen Squall, if you want me anywhere near that damn ship while you are flying it, do me a favor and make me stay in my seat."

Squall laughed, "Ok Seifer, now lets go figure out where we are going to get supplies."

**(End Chapter 9)**


	10. Revelations

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 10**

**Revelations**

Squall executed a perfect landing outside of Winhill, as the people living on the outskirts came out to see what was going on. He wondered briefly if coming here and not to Esthar had been a good idea. He glanced at Seifer who just shrugged his shoulders. "You would think they never saw one of these before."

"Uhh, they probably haven't Seifer, you hadn't either 'till yesterday." Squall answered flatly.

"Well let them gawk awhile, we aren't in a hurry and I don't want to leave here until they've gone."

Squall sighed, "I tell you what Seifer, I will go and order the supplies you can stay here, I won't be long."

"That will be just fine with me, I hate backwater hick towns!"

"Hey in case you forgot I happen to have been born here, asshole!" He smacked Seifer lightly.

"Oops! Sorry!" Seifer shot him a sheepish grin.

"Besides I thought that I might visit my mother's grave while we are here. It seems like it would be the appropriate thing to do anyway."

"You do that, I will stay right here." He said as he put his feet up on the console.

Squall pushed his feet off as he walked out. Seifer smirked and put them back up as soon as he was gone.

Squall let down the cargo door with a hiss of hydraulics, and watched in amusement as the children of the village jumped back behind their mothers in fear. _'I would have been like that too if I had grown up here.'_ he thought to himself, _'But destiny chose to take me from here and in a way I am glad that it did.'_

He made his way down the ramp, and nodded to the women who were gathered around. They immediately began to whisper amongst themselves. Squall ignored them and headed for the town.

The picturesque little village square was just the same as he remembered it being. It was the sort of place that never changed no matter how much time passed. It was nice, a place where you could go and forget about the outside world.

"Hey mister?"

Squall turned around to see a small dark haired boy standing behind him.

"Yes?"

"My mom runs the general store, she wanted me to come collect you."

"Uhh sure kid, let's go."

Squall didn't know what this was all about but he wasn't going to quibble over it. He needed to go to the general store anyway, and if it turned out that this had been a bad idea, coming here, he hoped that by purchasing some things it would ease the tension these people felt about outsiders.

"I brought him Mom," the boy said as they entered the store.

A woman in her early thirties came out from what looked like a storeroom, wiping her hands on her dusty apron.

"Hello, welcome to Winhill. You made quite an entrance people are going to be talking about it for months. Gracious me yes."

"Uhh thank you. I came here because I needed supplies and building materials."

"Of course of course, just tell me what you need and I will be happy to make the arrangements for you."

Squall was definitely getting the impression that while she was being helpful and courteous she was also giving him a practiced brush off. Not that he minded really, he sort of understood the mindset that these people had. They were set in their ways and anything that interrupted or interfered with that was quickly disposed of.

He handed her a list that he had thought to compile before coming here, "Just have everything delivered to the ship outside town." He said and turned to leave.

"I sure will, oh and Have a Nice Day!"

Squall shook his head as he left. Strange people. The only thing he had to do now was locate Raine's grave and then go back to the ship to wait.

As he walked around town, he was getting some very odd looks that ranged from curiosity to open hostility. He decided that his best bet was to look for the village cemetery. When he did find it, he noticed that a fairly large group of people was following him. He ignored them and went into the cemetery. Row after row of neatly kept headstones he passed not seeing Raine's name. Finally, he gave up. He would just have to ask Laguna where she was buried, since it was obviously not here.

The crowd of locals had gathered at the gate to the cemetery and Squall had to push through them to leave. He endured the whispers and the stares for as long as it took to get back to the ship. When he got back, he dropped into the pilot's chair, beside a sleeping Seifer and sighed heavily. Coming here really had been a mistake.

Seifer opened one eye. Squall sat there with his head in his hands. "You okay?"

"Not really, this place is full of Xenophobes. And I can't find Raine's grave."

"Oh, well if that's all I will go back to sleep then." Seifer closed his eyes again.

Squall didn't even respond which made Seifer sit up and really look at him.

"Hey this is really bothering you isn't it. C'mon talk to me."

"Yeah I guess it is." Squall responded wearily.

"Don't let them get to you Squall. They aren't worth worrying over."

"Laguna thought they were. He protected this place while he was here and they never really appreciated it. They always told him that Winhill just wasn't his sort of place. That he needed something bigger. I never really thought about how that would make me feel. I was too busy paying attention to what was happening to really take stock of what Laguna was going through. I sort of shut it off because I was under the impression that he was an idiot and that I shouldn't care about what was happening to him, just Ellone."

"And now you are feeling guilty because you found out he was your father." Seifer guessed.

"Well, yeah I guess that's part of it. Guilt over a lot of things."

A loud banging on the loading bay door interrupted them. Squall sighed again and got to his feet determined to see this thing through now that he had started it.

A group of men backed away from the loading bay door as it opened. They had with them crates and lumber that they wordlessly began to load into the cargo hold. Squall and Seifer decided that it would be better if they stayed out of their way, so they stood well away from the area where the men were working.

When they were finished, the foreman of the group waved around a piece of paper to get Squall's attention. "Oops guess that's the bill, better go pay up before they have me lynched tarred and feathered." He muttered.

Seifer snorted derisively, "I wouldn't put it past them."

Squall took the bill from the man and paid it without blinking twice. It wasn't as much as he thought it would be, and that was a pleasant surprise.

When the man smiled and nodded, Squall took the opportunity to make conversation. "Uhh thanks, we would have helped load the stuff, but you and the other's didn't seem like you needed any help."

"That's all right, I don't mind, you actually did help me out though, ya see me an' the boys all had a bet going that you wouldn't be able to pay up on the bill. I was the only one who said you would be. So in a way you helped me make some money I wouldn't have other wise." He grinned for all he was worth and shook Squall's hand.

"Glad to help." Squall started to turn away, but then got an idea. Maybe he could tell him where Raine's grave was, it would at least spare him the agony of asking Laguna, "Hey listen, I was wondering if you could tell me something."

"What's that?" Curiosity shone in the man's eyes.

"I was looking for a grave earlier today and I wasn't able to find it, is there another place like a church or another cemetery where I might find what I'm looking for?"

"Don't rightly know of any other graveyards. At least I've never heard of one. Who ya looking for I might be able to point ya in the right direction." Squall could tell the man was only looking for new gossip about the 'strangers', but he ignored it.

"Well the name is either Raine Leonhart or Loire. One of the two."

The man's mouth hung open for a moment in surprise, "W-well no wonder you couldn't find it! It isn't in town, her grave is out on that hill over there."

"Oh, thanks. I appreciate it." Squall flashed him a smile and turned back toward Seifer who gave him a thumbs up.

"Can I ask why you want to know where Raine is buried?"

"Huh?" Squall called over his shoulder. "Oh, she was my mother."

Squall and Seifer had both turned toward the hill that he had indicated, unaware that the man had ran off for town in a rather big hurry.

When they arrived Squall stood before the simple headstone, not sure what he was supposed to be feeling. He looked at Seifer who simply put his arm around his waist.

"Maybe you should be alone with her for a little while, huh?"

"I wouldn't know what to say then anymore than I do now Seifer so it really doesn't matter much." Squall replied honestly.

"Well, you better say something, Squall we are burning daylight here, and I don't want to be unloading stuff in the dark."

"You have developed a real complex about being in the dark you know that don't you?"

Seifer knew that Squall was just joking, but he shuddered anyway. There were things in the dark, things that he didn't want to remember.

Squall gave him a look that said that he would be asking about that later, but for the moment he left it alone.

Squall sighed and gave one final look at the grave, "I think I have already done what I came to do Seifer, I just wanted to see where she was buried and I have, so we can go now. There's little point in talking to the dead."

Seifer nodded and together they climbed the hill. When they got to the top, they could see people milling about Ragnarok. "What the hell?" Seifer said.

"I don't know either, lets go find out."

By the time they reached the Ragnarok, everyone they had seen was gone, but there were other things left in their place. There were handmade quilts and a beautifully made Cedar chest. Boxes of food and baskets of fruit, just to name a few.

Seifer looked at Squall and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't understand it any better than Squall did, so they just loaded everything up and prepped for take off.

Wham! Wham! Whap! "OW FUCK!"

The sound of a hammer and cursing woke Squall up. He stretched and slipped on his boots without bothering to tie them. Normally he wouldn't have bothered putting them on at all, but if Seifer was up on the roof again, there were going to be nails everywhere. Wearing only boxers and boots he went to the kitchen for his coffee he knew Seifer would have waiting.

Squall waited for the inevitable rain of nails to come pouring down the skylight and casually stepped around them as he headed for the coffee pot.

"SQUALL!"

"I'm up Seifer you don't have to yell."

"Oh, okay. Wasn't sure if you were or not." He climbed down the ladder and held out his injured thumb for Squall to inspect. The nail was split down the middle and blood dripped from it, and already it had turned that oh-so-lovely shade of purple that comes with a broken bone.

"You really did a number on it this time Seifer. I'm afraid it's going to take a bit more than Cure to fix it."

"I don't care just fix it already! Damn, I wanted to get at least the west side done by tonight."

"Quit moving around, I can't do a damn thing when you keep moving! Sit!"

He pushed Seifer into a chair and cast Curaga on his thumb. He hoped that would be enough but just to be on the safe side he bandaged it up.

With that finished he reached for his coffee cup, but Seifer refused to let his legs go once he had trapped them with his own. So, he drank his coffee while Seifer laid his head on his belly. His arms wrapped securely around his waist.

He almost snorted coffee out of his nose when Seifer licked his belly button.

"Gahh, what are you trying to do? Give me a third degree burn?"

Seifer laughed wickedly, "No just making sure you were paying attention."

"Well I am, okay? You have my full attention."

"I know… I can feel it poking my chest!"

Squall blushed, but didn't look away for once. He took a deep breath and slowly leaned over to kiss Seifer, square on the lips.

Seifer was elated. Squall had finally kissed him, of his own accord. He pulled him in tighter and was rewarded with a slight moan from Squall.

When Squall pulled back, he reluctantly let him go, and smiled at him. Seifer grabbed Squall's coffee cup and downed the last of its contents.

"Hey, jerk! That was mine!" Squall said in mock anger.

"Gotta run babe, I hear that roof calling my name!"

"Yeah you better run, you just drank the last of the coffee!"

Squall smiled as he watched him scamper up the ladder to the roof. Had he really just called him "Babe"? Hyne the more time he spent with Seifer the weirder he became.

The rest of the day was spent with Squall running lumber up to Seifer who would nail it into place. By the time evening rolled around, they had completed not only the west side but the north side as well.

They sat side by side on the roof watching the sun as it set over the water. They were both dirty and tired but Seifer wouldn't have changed anything about today, even his broken thumb, which still throbbed slightly. It had definitely been a good day.

When the sun had slipped past the horizon, Squall got up and stretched to ease his aching muscles. They still didn't have running water in the house so there would be no hot shower. But Seifer had come up with an idea that might work just as well. Seawater heated in a 150 gallon copper barrel and a big bathtub. Hopefully, if it worked the way that Seifer said it would, he at least would be able to have a hot bath.

Seifer got up and popped his neck laughing at Squall as he shuddered his way down the ladder.

"I hate it when you do that."

"So sue me, it feels good."

"Whatever…"

Squall grabbed clean towels from the Ragnarok while Seifer filled the tub. When he got back, it was already half full and steaming hot. Hyne this was going to feel good. He stripped off his clothes and carefully inserted his foot into the water. _'Ahh, perfect,'_ he thought as he slipped lower into the tub.

Seifer came out onto the patio where the tub sat; carrying about two dozen candles and began placing them here and there. When he caught Squall watching him, he shrugged and simply said, "It's dark out here."

When the last one was lit, Seifer stripped off his clothes and headed for the tub. In the amount of time it took for him to place and light all the candles, Squall had fallen asleep.

Seifer smirked as he eased into the tub, being careful not to wake him up yet. When he was sufficiently used to the water, he brought his foot up gently between Squall's legs and swiped his toes. Ever so lightly he ran his toes along what he found there, gently caressing the swiftly swelling member, until Squall moaned. He increased the pressure slightly and smiled when Squall moved his hips against the rhythm.

Squall's eyes fluttered open and at first he was confused between what he had been dreaming and what was really happening. But reality was soon enough discovered when Seifer's foot moved against him.

He drew in his breath and looked at Seifer, who smiled at him and laid his head back against the tub in a lazy fashion and moved his foot again. Squall couldn't help it; he moaned and leaned his own head back to where it had been, allowing Seifer's foot to stroke him. He clenched his fists under the water and moved his hips, rubbing his arousal against Seifer's foot. Faster and faster until his eyes flew open and his breath came in short gasps, and he emptied his seed into the water.

The whole time Seifer lay with his head, back and his eyes closed, but hearing Squall's release made him smirk his most evil smile.

When Squall's breathing had returned to normal, Seifer sat up and draped his arms onto the sides of the tub, using a candle, he lit a cigarette and shamelessly watched Squall try and compose himself.

Squall was blushing furiously but he forced his eyes open and his head up. He couldn't bring himself to look at Seifer though. He knew what he would see in his face. He brought his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around them. He had known that eventually things would lead them here, and he had to admit to himself that he had done little to stop it. He had even encouraged it, like this morning when he had kissed Seifer. But he was still afraid of it. He was afraid to give that much of himself away.

When Squall drew his knees up to his chin, the smug triumphant look on Seifer's face slipped and he began to worry. This wasn't the reaction that he had been hoping for. He had hoped that Squall would see that there wasn't anything to be afraid of and that he would open up a little more to the idea. But he had fucked up somehow. When a single tear slid down Squall's cheek, it was too much. Seifer let out an exasperated sigh and got out of the tub.

Squall heard him go, he wanted to try and explain that he was afraid that Seifer was going to hurt him. Not physical hurt, that didn't bother him, but emotional. Those scars never healed no matter how much time went by. He had lost so much already in his short life, and he didn't want to go through that again. Better to close himself off and not let anyone get close than to feel that horrible pain of rejection and loss that was somehow unavoidable in Squall's life.

He understood now why he said what he had to Rinoa. She had been getting too close. He had allowed Seifer to get even closer but he had gone too far. Squall wasn't ready for the kind of obligation that came with giving one's heart away. That is what he believed sex to be, the final act that gave away not only a part of yourself but allowing the other person to keep it and trusting them to cherish it always.

Seifer flicked his cigarette out into the darkness. Where had he gone wrong? He had thought that Squall would have understood by now that he loved him. Weren't they good for each other? Did they not work well together? Why shouldn't they take things from the emotional and mental to the physical? What was Squall so goddamned afraid of? He paced the floor every now and then adjusting the towel around his waist to keep it from falling.

Didn't he understand that he was just as afraid and unsure? He had once held Squall in his arms and kissed him passionately, touched his body and had been rewarded with bright passion pouring forth from his Ice Prince. But now, things were different. He didn't know how to proceed anymore. The feelings for Squall had once surprised him but once he had acted on them, he knew that Squall felt for him the same way. Why did the GF's feel it necessary to take that away? Things would have progressed into a relationship had he not agreed to go with Edea, then to come back only to find that Squall didn't remember, that had been a real slap in the face. Now he had to start all over again. He wasn't really sure if he had it in him to do it all over again. He could tell Squall that this was nothing new for them, but he knew that Squall wouldn't believe that. Better to keep his mouth shut and hope that Squall would eventually remember. He didn't have his GF's anymore so maybe it would come back.

Anger suddenly filled him, making him clench his fists tightly. He had to go back and find a way to tell Squall without revealing that they had been this close once before. He had no choice; he had to find the words that would make Squall understand just how much he needed him.

He turned and went back out to the patio, noting that Squall had not moved since he left. Well good! Maybe he's telling himself to Fuck Off! He dropped the towel and slid into the deliciously warm water again.

Squall was surprised by Seifer's sudden reappearance. He had been sure that Seifer had gone to bed, but here he was, and by the look on his face, he wasn't too happy with Squall at the moment.

"I want to tell you something, but I don't want to have to listen to you whine while I'm saying it, okay?"

When Squall nodded, he grabbed him by the upper arm and pulled him close to him. Squall tried to resist but Seifer simply twisted his grip on his arm causing him to cry out.

"Stop it," he hissed through clenched teeth, " I'm not going to rape you like some kind of freak! So sit still and shut up!"

Squall's struggles lessened until they were non-existent.

"I have had it with your pity party! You seem to think that you are the only one here that has something to lose and I am sick of it! Don't you think that I am just as afraid of this as you are? You have no fucking idea how hard this is for me! Ultimecia fucked me up so bad in the head that sometimes the only thing that keeps me from going insane is touching you and holding you because then I know you're real and not some sick joke that bitch is playing on me!" His free hand ran through his hair, slicking it back out of his face.

"I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and hold your hand hoping that you would wake up and hold me, tell me that it's alright to be afraid of the dark and that you aren't going to leave me, but you never do! I have to play these stupid fucking guessing games with you and just hope that I can be a little stronger than that bitch Rinoa, and not give in when you close yourself off! I'm not going to do that! I can't quit I can't give up! If I do, I lose everything, including who I am!" Seifer's voice rose, "You are what gives me the strength to keep going but sometimes just being here with you isn't enough! I want to be able to show you what you mean to me, to offer you what is left of me inside and for once in my fucking life to be good enough for something! All I am asking for Squall, is that you give me the chance to be something other than what I have been my whole life. I'm tired of being a fucked up loser. I want to win Squall and the only thing I ever wanted to win was you!" Seifer's emerald eyes shone with emotion as he continued.

"Now, I have said my piece and have bared my soul, as fucked up as it is. I'm going to bed now, just think about what I said and let me know something, because I can't stand to stay around here day after day wondering if one morning I'm going to wake up and find you gone for good."

Seifer stood up and made a hasty retreat inside. He didn't want to see what kind of look his revelations had put on Squall's face. It was bad enough that he had to do it in the first place, but he knew that if he had waited for Squall to open up he would have been waiting forever.

Squall looked at the open door into which Seifer had escaped. Mild surprise showed on his face but concern soon replaced it. Seifer had taken the chance that he could not and had truly and honestly laid at Squall's feet his battered and bruised ego. He furrowed his brow as he really thought about the chance that he had taken. He had risked rejection and here Squall sat with the ball now in his court. He smiled. Seifer had always been the risk taker, the one who wasn't afraid to try. The one who was just as afraid of rejection but was more willing to place it all on the line and take the consequences. Squall had always admired those qualities in Seifer and he was proving once again just how well he knew and understood him. Instead of walking away and giving up, he came back, and in his rough manner simply told him, what he was feeling. Maybe he could look inside and discover the same strength that Seifer had displayed only a moment ago. Maybe he could take a chance and for once not think about what could go wrong.

He got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around his waist. Softly he padded barefoot through the house toward the bedroom. Seifer stood by the back door that led to the beach, just staring out into the night. Squall slipped up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning his cheek against his back. They stayed that way for a little while.

Finally, Seifer turned around held onto Squall. He was sorry that he had yelled at him but not for what he said. He was tired of constantly having to reassure Squall when he himself needed just as much reassurance. He felt he had given more to Squall than he had received and it was irritating him to no end. He looked into Squall's eyes hoping to see some sort of emotion, some deep revelation into his soul, but as usual, they were as gray as the stormy seas, betraying nothing of what he was thinking.

Seifer hated that mask he wore. He wanted to be able to look into his eyes and see what he was feeling, like he had been able to do before all this shit happened. He wanted to see passion and love hell he would have settled for anger just as long as there were something there and not that cold mask of indifference. He had once again failed.

Seeing nothing of what he wanted to see, he dropped his arms to his sides and sighed. Not even his heartfelt exposure of his true feelings had broken through the ice he had been battling against. It was time to admit defeat. He removed Squall's arms from around his waist and slowly walked away.

Squall was stunned. He had come in here to try and give Seifer what he wanted, and he just walked away. He didn't know what to do, what the hell did he want from him? _'I tried, damn it!'_ He thought bitterly, _'I would have let him have me, what more could he possibly want? You, stupid, he wants the real you.'_ A voice whispered inside of him, _'the one he knows is there but you never show. The one that feels too Goddamned much. The "you" that you have tried to kill and bury in the ice, the "you" he feels and knows so well, the "you" that loves and wishes that he didn't, the "you" that needs and doesn't know how to ask, the "you" that feels Seifer's call and wants to answer. That is what he wants. The real you.'_

Seifer made his way slowly down the beach, a few stray tears running down his face. He shouldn't have been so surprised at his failure. He failed all the time. But he had been hoping desperately that Squall would have opened up to him, would have thrown the mask aside. _'I guess I'm just not worth the hassle...'_ Seifer thought miserably to himself. He stood at the edge of the shoreline, the water tickling his feet. The wide expansion of wet darkness seemed so inviting to him right now. What did he have here anymore? Certainly not Squall. Squall hadn't cared enough to let his guard down for even a second, even after Seifer had bared his heart and soul to him, so what did it matter now?

Seifer took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Blindly he began walking, deeper and deeper into the water, until the water was swallowing him. He wanted to disappear, to not have to face Squall's impending rejection. The water offered him what he sought.

Squall sighed. He needed to find Seifer. He owed him. Seifer had risked everything to tell Squall how he felt; Squall at least owed him the same.

"Seifer? Wait! Come back!"

He scrambled down the trail that led to the beach after him, the path he had seen Seifer take. When he got there, he looked right and then left but saw no sign of Seifer at all. He looked down at the trail in the sand and his mind reeled when he saw that it went directly into the ocean waves. He couldn't have gone into the ocean, could he? Further inspection of the tide produced the towel that Seifer had been wearing.

A sense of dread washed over Squall. "Oh Hyne, no… Seifer? SEIFER!" he screamed, throwing his towel to the side and racing into the waves, swimming hard against the current. How was he going to find him in all this black cold water? He swam until the shoreline was swallowed up in the inky darkness. "SEIFER!" On he swam until his sides ached and his breath burned in his lungs. The waves washed over him again and again, threatening to pull him under for good. He didn't care, though. As long as he found Seifer before it was too late. When the next wave pushed him under, his legs hit something. Desperately he flung out his hands and grabbed it, and kicked to the surface. He silently thanked Hyne when he saw Seifer's face. He quickly turned Seifer's face towards the sky and swam frantically for the shore.

He pulled himself from the waves and dragged Seifer onto the sand. His lips were blue and his skin shone white in the moonlight. Squall dropped to his knees beside him and put his ear to his chest. Nothing. He wasn't breathing and there wasn't a heartbeat that Squall could hear. Seifer couldn't be dead. It couldn't be too late. "Please, dear Hyne..." He whispered. Fraught with despair he placed his hands on his chest and began CPR.

"Seifer, come on, don't give up! I'm here, please just hold on." He placed his lips against his and filled his lungs with air. "Come on don't quit, I came for you, and I found you." Again, he filled Seifer's lungs.

The minutes slipped by and each one that passed drove Squall to new heights of anguish. Abandoning the CPR, he ran back to the Ragnarok, retrieved his last Phoenix Down, and willed his legs to move faster than ever back to the beach. He had to work quickly. You only had so long before the Phoenix Down would be useless.

He dropped to his knees again, feeling a sharp shell cut into him but not caring. Hastily he used the Phoenix Down and then used a Full Cure from his rapidly depleting stock of spells.

Squall felt his heart drop when Seifer did not respond. He hadn't gotten there in time. Because of his fears and his inability to handle things, he had lost Seifer. He laid his head on his chest feeling himself fall into the deepest pit of despair, like he had when he was lost in time compression, only this time it wasn't Rinoa's face he was seeing, it was Seifer's. Seifer laughing, Seifer smiling, Seifer holding out his injured thumb this morning. It was too much, his chest felt tight and his throat constricted but instead of holding back his emotions, he allowed the tears to fall.

Then Seifer began to cough, choking on the seawater in his lungs. Squall yanked his head up and in an instant went from the bottomless depths of depression to the highest heights of elation. He rolled him onto his side as he retched, patting him on the back to help bring it up. When he was satisfied, that he was breathing on his own, Squall laid his forehead against Seifer's side, exhausted.

Seifer's chest hurt something fierce, and it was hard to breathe, but lying on his side helped some. He could hear Squall murmuring something under his gasping breath but he didn't want to talk to him right now. He has just wanted to be left alone to die. It was what he deserved after all that he had done. He had tried one last desperate attempt at life by coming back to Garden for Squall, but he had failed. There was nothing left to do, nothing left to say. He just wanted get it over with.

Squall whispered all the things he wanted to say to Seifer, not knowing if he could hear him or not, but that didn't matter now. He needed to hear how they would sound coming from his mouth before saying them out loud. Seifer thought he heard Squall say something about love and need, but what did it matter now? He felt himself being rolled over and he groaned because that put the pressure back on his chest. He looked up into Squall's eyes and could see tears streaming down his face. They looked like shattered pieces of ice, glittering in the moonlight.

"C'mon Seifer, I need to get you inside and I need you to help me. I can't carry you." Squall whispered, his voice raw with emotion.

He helped Seifer stand and placed himself under his arm. Together they stumbled up the trail to the patio. The candles were still burning there and Squall helped him to sit down on the bench in the welcoming light.

"Why didn't you just leave me Squall? Seifer asked softly. "I don't want to live if I can't have all of you." He sighed, "But I already said that... What's the point of saying it again...?"

Squall draped a towel over Seifer's shoulders, but was stunned silent. He walked a couple of steps away and watched a candle flame dancing in the breeze. When a particularly strong gust blew it out, he drew in a sharp breath. Seifer's flame was dangerously close to going out as well. Even though he had saved him from drowning, without the will to live, his flame would soon gutter and die out too.

"Didn't you hear me on the beach?"

"I didn't hear you Squall. I was in the darkness, it wanted to kill me, and I wanted to let it." He squeezed the towel tightly around his shoulders, shuddering slightly at the thought of the darkness.

Squall didn't like the flat lifeless tone in Seifer's voice and wanted to ask him about this darkness business, but knew now was not the time. He closed his eyes and tried to will himself to say the things out loud that he had whispered on the beach.

'_What can I say? I know what he wants to hear, but can I say those things and truly mean them?'_

"Seifer, I…"

'_His eyes tell me that he has given up and I don't want that. It will kill me to lose him, like I almost did tonight.'_

"…I do…"

'_I can't help the way that I feel! I can feel the ice around my heart railing against what my mind tells me that I must do.'_

"…Care for you…but…"

'_I can't give him false hope that I will return his feelings. That would turn out just as badly as my relationship with Rinoa'._

"…I'm …just not ready yet, …please… just give me more time."

'_Time that's all I am asking for, but it still feels like I am asking for the impossible. Please Seifer, understand! I don't want to lose what we have. But I am just not ready for it to change just yet…please…just a little more time.'_

The hated sting of tears blurred Squall's vision as he tried to will Seifer to understand. He was being honest, that at least was more than he had ever given Rinoa, why couldn't he see that things were progressing well already? Why did he feel it so necessary to push things so far so fast? Did he not kiss him this morning? Had he not responded to him when he pulled him close? Why did it always have to be all or nothing with Seifer? Why couldn't he just be patient?

Seifer brought a finger under his chin and tilted his head up until he could look into his eyes; he sought for and found at least sincerity. This was better than seeing nothing at all.

Squall held his emerald gaze feeling it burn through his tear blurred vision. The hint of a smile played on Seifer's lips instead of his usual smirk, but those eyes, they seemed to pierce him to his very core and he could feel the ice encasing his heart crack a little under the weight of his gaze He leaned in and kissed Seifer's lips softly, haltingly, until Seifer dropped the towel he had been holding so tightly to wrap his arms around Squall, pulling him closer. Slowly Seifer turned the kiss from chaste to one of passion, his tongue begging entrance and Squall willingly let his own tangle with Seifer's.

If he wanted more time, he would give him all he could. But he would be damned if he wasn't going to show him every chance he got just what he was missing. This kiss meant more than just acceptance of his admission but a silent apology for his inability to cope.

Squall let himself become lost in that kiss, feeling the ice around his heart crack a little wider as fiery passion battled against it. His hands seemingly of their own volition, wandered along Seifer's bare skin exploring every inch of his upper body. Seifer didn't mind, if this is what it took to finally make Squall see that he was serious about how he felt, then perhaps it wasn't too stupid to go wandering alone in the dark. He knew the darkness had been out there and that it had very nearly won, but Squall had saved him, and maybe if he were lucky, Squall could save him again from a fate worse than death. It wasn't much, but it was at least something to hold onto.

Seifer pulled back, breathing hard and laid his forehead against Squall's. When he opened his eyes, he saw the mask of indifference that Squall had worn for so long had slipped from its place. His lips were kiss-bruised and the eyes that were normally storm gray were now a deep blue. Seifer reveled for a moment in the fact that he had finally gotten through. He wondered briefly if Squall knew that his eyes changed colors. Knowing him, he didn't and Seifer decided that he wasn't going to inform him of it. Unfortunately, his body chose that particular moment to remind him that he had been very near death just minutes before. His chest hurt like hell and breathing was an agony that Seifer would akin only to one of Cid's lectures. He was worn out and he knew that he wouldn't be able to hold off sleep much longer.

Concern tinged those now blue eyes as they held his gaze. He smiled helplessly and pulled Squall to his feet. Together they went inside and collapsed on Squall's bed. Each not caring the other was naked. They would wake in the morning in each other's arms and for the moment that would have to be enough.

**(End chapter 10)**


	11. Suffer the Children Unto Me

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 11**

**Suffer the Children Unto Me**

He opened his eyes and found himself standing in the middle of a sweltering room. Dampness filled the air and somewhere in the distance, he could hear the steady drip of water splashing into an unseen pool. There was something familiar about his surroundings, but try as he might, he couldn't place what it was.

The lack of light in this room was beginning to wear on his nerves. Slowly he turned in a full circle, and observed places in the room that were darker than the rest. Furniture perhaps? He wasn't for sure, but just as he had slowly become aware of the darker shapes, he was beginning to feel the all to familiar sense of danger. His stomach tightened and instinct made him drop into a crouch, but when nothing happened, he straightened up, though the feeling of danger here did not subside. He needed a light and he needed it fast.

He felt around his pockets and found his lighter, and with a practiced flick of his thumb, he struck the flint wheel once, twice and a third time. With each spark of light, he could see things moving in the darkness and he began to hope like hell that the wick would catch soon.

"Shit!" he muttered as it became apparent that the lighter was not going to catch. "What a time to run out of lighter fluid!"

He hastily dropped the lighter back into his pocket and quickly moved forward towards one of the dark shapes in hope that he would be able to find some sort of light, maybe a left over candle or an unused lamp.

He had only taken a few steps when he froze. A slight glimmer of silver off to the right caught his eye. He suddenly forgot about the shapes that he had seen moving in the darkness as he reached out and found what felt like a doorway, out through which he could see moonlight glinting off of something metal. He headed out the door, into what appeared to be a hallway. Slowly he moved in the direction of the light and almost passed out when I saw what the glimmer was.

Hyperion.

He watched it gleam in the moonlight and it was within its reflection that he was able to finally see exactly where he was. Somehow, he was back in the D-District Prison. This was one of the hallways that led to the cells, deep within the bowels of the Prison.

He sank to the ground slowly in front of Hyperion, confused by its presence here. After staring at it dumbly for a few moments, he reached over and picked it up gingerly. It shimmered in the dim light as he turned it over, examining it closely.

Seeing nothing amiss with it, he looked down at where his weapon of war had lain. He could see a small dark puddle on the floor. It looked almost black and slightly oily in the dim lighting. He couldn't decide what the liquid was with so little light, so he carefully stuck a finger in the puddle. It felt warm and thick. He withdrew it quickly, holding his finger up, and suddenly felt sick as realization washed over him.

It was blood.

He jumped up quickly, Hyperion still in his other hand. _'What in the hell is going on?'_ he thought wildly to himself as he began to walk down the corridor, headed for the staircase that he knew would be at the end. He walked the short distance to the end of the hall, counting out of habit the cell doors as he passed. When he got to number fourteen he began looking for the staircase, but just as he was within sight of it, he began hearing the steady drip of something splashing to the floor somewhere near his feet. Steeling himself, he looked down at Hyperion that hung loosely in his grip.

He hoped against hope that he would not see what he already knew was there. His heart froze as he lifted Hyperion. It was dripping blood as it had done so many times before during battle.

He dropped the weapon and instinctively wiped his hands down the front of his pants. "No… not again!" he screamed, furious with the darkness and all that he had done in the name of some stupid romantic dream. He had to get out of here, away from the reminder of all that he had done. He began running desperately for the staircase, praying for an exit of some sort, a way out of the darkness.

"There is no escape from this place." A small voice, that of a child's, called out, from behind him just as he reached the stairs. It sounded so matter of fact that it made him stop.

He whirled around, suddenly wishing like hell that he hadn't dropped Hyperion. Without it, he was defenseless. But why would he need a weapon of war against a child? He eyed her suspiciously. She was small and blonde, about ten years old, wearing a white knee length dress. She just stood there staring back at him.

He decided that she wasn't a threat to him and turned to go up the stairs, but as he took a step forward, her voice called out to him once more.

"The darkness knows no bounds," she said.

He turned toward her again, and felt that he should know her somehow. As if he had seen her before somewhere.

"What do you know about the darkness? You are just a kid! You don't know anything!" he said, mustering his courage and pulling himself to his full height.

The girl giggled gleefully. "I know more than you think," she stated as she twirled around making her dress billow out. "I know the darkness and so do you."

"You must come and join us." Another voice added.

He spun around, this time seeing a raven-haired boy standing on the staircase behind him. He looked a little older than the girl, and like she, he looked as if he were dressed for a party. Again, the feeling that he should know this kid nearly overwhelmed his senses. The boy smiled up at him and came a step closer.

Despite the bravado his voice had held earlier when he spoke to the girl, he certainly wasn't feeling brave at all. As the boy stepped closer, he stepped back.

"The darkness is calling you," said another childlike voice. This one came from the right of him.

"There's no use fighting it," said yet another coming from the left.

"The darkness always wins," they chimed together making him clasp his hands over his ears. More and more children appeared pressing into a circle around him.

He turned back to the blonde girl, his knees suddenly feeling weak. "Go away! Leave me alone!" he shouted.

The girl merely grinned at him and lifted her voice to join with the others. "The darkness always wins."

Just when he thought he would go mad from their voices, they stopped abruptly. The silence that prevailed afterwards was deafening. He turned to look at each of them that pressed into the circle. _'What the hell do they want from me?'_ he thought as he turned, _'Why can't they just leave me alone?'_

"Come back to us, Sorceress' Knight!" the little blonde girl cried out, "Come to the darkness!" Each in turn the children took up the cry, one by one the cry made its way around the circle.

The feeling that he should know these children was needling him again, and from somewhere in the back of his mind came the chilling conclusion that he did know them. The unexpected realization slammed to the forefront of his brain like a bullet, and with sickening clarity, he realized exactly who these children were. They were children from Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia… children whom he had killed.

His entire body went numb and his vision began to blur. He watched in horror as his right hand flew up, Hyperion in its grip. "_Dear Hyne, don't do it... please...'_ his mind whispered frantically. He took a step towards the blonde girl, knowing all too well, what his body was about to do.

Hyperion whistled through the air and he was powerless to stop it. It struck its target, cleanly slicing the girl in two from shoulder to hip. He watched, as the white fabric of the girl's dress was stained dark with her blood. His body began to shake convulsively, "No…" he whispered, "NO!"

Again and again, Hyperion rose and fell, cutting the children down like weeds. He kept frantically trying to stop himself, to will his body to obey, but it was if he had no control.

He turned towards the last child standing, a petite girl with auburn curls. She didn't look afraid at all. In fact, she was smiling broadly. "The darkness will claim you," she said softly.

He let out a blood-curdling scream as he drove Hyperion into her repeatedly. It wasn't long before she fell down as lifelessly as the others had before her.

In the distance, he could have sworn he heard chilling laughter. Laughter that had nearly drove him insane countless times, the cold dark humorless laughter of Ultimecia.

His body turned of its own volition towards the sound. He wanted to close his eyes but try as he might they wouldn't obey. In the faint light, he could see something separating itself from the surrounding shadows. He wanted to scream as the shape took form, but his body had other ideas, as it went to one knee before his Sorceress. The one woman to whom he had pledged his life and his loyalty, the one woman for whom he would have gladly died had she asked him to.

He felt her fingers whisper over his hair as she acknowledged her Knight. He wanted to run, wanted nothing more than to leave this place. _'Is this reality?_ _Was everything that had happened before just a dream? Squall where are you?' _he racked his mind frantically, trying hard to hold on to what was real and what wasn't.

Edea's figure turned from him and walked back into the shadows, leaving him to his thoughts, but that didn't last long either.

Hyperion slipped from his hand as the feeling returned to my body. Tears streamed down his face as he turned to look back at the dead children. "I... I didn't mean to... I..." his voice trailed off.

He turned and began running back to the staircase. He slipped and slid in the blood and gore as he clamored over the bodies that lay on the stairs. He had to get away from them, before he got sick.

He ran for what seemed like hours before he found a door. He walked over to it quickly and twisted the knob, thankful that it was unlocked. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

A harsh white light engulfed him, causing him to stumble backwards back out into the hallway shielding his eyes. He shut the door and waited for the bright pinpoints of light to stop floating in front of his eyes. He wouldn't be able to fight if anything was waiting inside for him, if he couldn't see, and so he waited.

As soon as he was able, he opened the door just enough to let a little light through. Gradually, he grew accustomed to it and was able to step inside again.

It was a stuffy, dismal place. I recognized it instantly. It was a room in the D-District Prison. _'The room where I had tortured…'_ Fear suddenly gripped him and drove him further into the room, praying feverishly that he would not find Squall inside.

When he reached what he was looking for, what he knew to be there, he looked up fearfully.

A body hung there, chained to the wall. There was blood everywhere, covering the walls and floors. Blonde hair shone in the light. '_Not Squall. Thank Hyne, not Squall,' _he thought gratefully.

The body suddenly jerked upwards as electricity began to flow across the chains. He was met with jaded emerald eyes and was stunned. He felt the blood drain from his face. No, it wasn't Squall who was chained to that horrible device… '_Dear Hyne! It's me!'_

He watched himself writhe in pain, crimson liquid dripping from my lips. "Help me… please," his clone whispered as he ran blindly from the room.

"I've got to get out of here, I've got to get out of here..." he chanted as he ran as fast as his feet could possibly carry him. He couldn't see very well at all, as he was now running in the dark, so he wasn't all that surprised when he collided with something and fell to the ground.

He blinked as a face appeared before him. "No…" he whispered painfully, "Not you..."

She was a brunette girl of about 15. He would have known her anywhere.

"The darkness is waiting." She said gently, smiling slightly.

He merely stared at her, the memories washing over him. She had been the first girl he had killed, back in Deling City. Her name had been Kristina Moore. He knew this because before Edea had him kill her to prove his loyalty to her, she had made him get to know her. Become like a friend to her. Make her think that he wouldn't hurt her, and then betray her trust and take from her not only her virginity but her life as well. It had haunted him ever since.

She held out her hand to him, "You must come to the darkness."

"No… I won't go back!" he said, his voice rising, "I won't return there!"

She looked at him sadly, "But... terrible things will happen if you don't..."

"You're lying..." I whispered.

"Please... let me show you..."

A bright light surrounded him and he found himself in a field of flowers.

"Where are we?" he asked her, though he truly wondered if he really wanted to know the answer to that.

"Come and see," she said, and began to walk off.

He followed her quickly.

She stopped suddenly and turned to look at him, "Look and see what the consequences are." She waved her hand in front of her.

He looked over her shoulder at the scene the lay just beyond her. What he saw, nearly took his breath away.

The scene was a tranquil one, set in the field of flowers. He recognized this place as being right outside the orphanage. There was a blanket spread on the ground and the remains of a picnic. He wanted to smile at the scene but something was not right. The scene shifted around to the right and his throat constricted with fear.

"What...?"

He saw Squall lying in a pool of blood, his eyes half-opened in shock. He was standing beside him, tears running down his face, a bloody Lionheart in his hand.

"What... does this mean?" he asked hoarsely, not believing his own eyes.

"Shhh… you must watch and understand," she whispered, cutting off any further protest from him.

He wanted to tear his gaze away from the horrible scene that was laid out before him, but the utterly terrified and insane look on his own face that stood above Squall stopped him cold.

"S-Seifer? W-why? I… I thought you loved me."

"I do love you Squall, I didn't mean to do it… Hyne… please don't die…"

"S…Seifer…I… love you…." Squall managed to gasp with his final breath.

He watched in complete horror as the life faded from the eyes that he loved so much, and he wanted to die with him.

"If you do not return to the darkness, you will kill the one you love." She said simply.

"I would never..."

"But you will..."

He fell to his knees, staring numbly at the two figures. Watching his own twin as he cradled the now dead Squall's head in his lap, crying out to who ever was listening that it had been a mistake, that he hadn't meant to do it.

It was all too much to bear. He could no longer watch the scene as it played out before him and chose instead to look at the girl he had so callously killed. He could tell that she wasn't like the others. Not like the children that had taunted him so. She was here to help him; that much he was certain of. But why it was she, he didn't know. She was perhaps the one person that he had betrayed the most in his short but miserable life. Why was she here trying to help him now?

"Please..." she pleaded with him. " You must return to the darkness... before it is too late... you must..."

The look in her eyes told him that she was being sincere. But he had no intention of going back to the darkness that had almost consumed him. How could he? The darkness was pure evil and to go back to it was sheer madness, yet… if he didn't… would he kill the only person that had ever understood him?

He turned then to look one last time at the scene being played out, and wished he hadn't. He had turned just in time to see himself bow down before Edea to receive her blessing for the bloody sacrifice he had made for her.

He sat up instantly, the sweat dripping off of his body. Where...? He looked around quickly, instantly relieved at what he saw. It was still dark out and he was still in Squall's bed. "It was just a dream," he mumbled to himself, "Just a damn dream..."

He looked at Squall, who was sleeping soundly. The tears fell from his eyes as he gently shook him, "Please... Squall... wake up... I need you... please...?" Squall didn't stir. Desperately Seifer shook him again, "Please, Squall…I need you..."

He sighed sadly as Squall continued to sleep. He found it hard to believe that Squall, a trained soldier could be such a heavy sleeper. Finally, feeling utterly defeated and alone, he moved to lay his head down on Squall's chest. The sound of his steady heartbeat lulled him back to dreamless sleep.

The sun was shining brightly and the sounds of the surf and seagulls permeated the air. A cool brisk breeze blew inside the room and made Squall scoot closer to Seifer's warm body. In answer, Seifer drew his arm tighter around Squall, and they both slept on.

It was lunchtime before Squall opened his eyes. He lay still on Seifer's chest and listened to his heart beating, remembering how it had been still the night before. He wanted to go on listening to that sound for the rest of his life. If it ever ceased to beat again, he knew that his would soon follow.

Seifer's hand came up across Squall's back to rest on his shoulder, he didn't have to look to know that Seifer was awake now. He smiled against his bare chest and Seifer chuckled softly.

"Good morning to you too. Sleep well?" he asked not wanting Squall to know the terror that had held him in its grip just hours before.

Squall didn't want to move but he could feel the urge of nature's call beckoning to him. He raised his head and kissed Seifer's lips before getting out of bed.

Seifer sat up and yawned widely as he stretched sleep sore muscles, before joining Squall in answering nature's call.

They got dressed and ate lunch. When Seifer started to head for the ladder to the roof, Squall put a hand on his arm. "I don't want you up there today. You need to rest."

"Are you going to join me or will this be a solitary sort of confinement?" he said trying to hide the sudden panic he was feeling at the thought of being alone, even though it was daylight outside.

Squall smiled but shook his head. "I said rest not extracurricular activities."

"Shoot!" he said and snapped his fingers. "Here I was thinking that I was going to get to have some fun."

"Bed, now!"

"Oh I love it when you're demanding."

"Seifer, enough already, just go huh?"

"Only if you promise that you will come to visit me later, I hate being in bed unless I have company."

" Okay Seifer I promise, now, BED!"

He made sure he was going before clearing the lunch dishes and then heading for the roof himself.

Twenty minutes later, he nearly fell off the roof when Seifer bellowed "SQUALL!"

Hyne, why did he save him again? Oh right, the love thing. He went to the ladder and then into the house.

"What is it Seifer?" he said, trying to keep the annoyance he felt out of his voice.

"I'm bored, you said you would visit me."

'_Hyne! Is he really whining?'_ Squall thought as he leaned against the wall.

"I haven't even been gone an hour Seifer!"

"So? I can't miss you just because you haven't been gone for an hour?"

"Seifer, I need to get that roof done. We need it before winter, or have you forgotten how cold it gets here."

"Why should I care, we can use body heat!"

Squall rolled his eyes and put his hand to his forehead. Seifer just smiled and pulled back the quilt patting the bed beside him. Squall didn't move from his position for a few moments, but knew that if he had any intentions of getting some work done today at all, he would have to comply with Seifer's request. Besides, there was a question that had been plaguing Squall since last night, and if Seifer was in the mood for company, perhaps now was the time to ask it. So, with that thought in mind he shrugged his shoulders, and sat down on the bed but didn't get in to Seifer's disappointment.

"Can I ask you a question Seifer?"

"Sure, but I hate to point out that you just did."

Squall waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I wanted to ask you something about last night."

Seifer's face grew serious. "Oh, well go ahead and ask away," he said, though he really wished Squall would just leave last night out of it. The last thing he wanted to think about was what happened and just how close he had come to losing himself to the darkness.

"When I brought you back, you said something about the darkness wanting to kill you. What did you mean by that?"

Seifer was silent for such a long time that Squall turned to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep. He needn't have worried, Seifer was wide-awake and he looked terrified.

He hadn't meant to talk about the darkness, he didn't even remember mentioning it. But he remembered being out there in it. All he had wanted to do was get away from Squall for a little while, because he had been angry. But he had gone into the darkness alone and that had been his mistake. Then the nightmare visions that he still recalled so vividly danced into his head. He didn't want Squall to know just how messed up he really was, but there was little point in denying it now. He had mentioned the darkness and Squall would not leave it alone without some sort of answers. He sighed deeply and pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms securely around them.

'_Hyne, of all questions he could have asked me, why did it have to be this one?'_ he thought. Sighing deeply he decided it would probably be better to share this burden with Squall then try and bear it alone anymore, though he didn't quite know where to begin.

"I don't know if I can answer your question Squall, a lot of what I will say won't make any sense to you. All I ask is that you believe me."

Squall didn't understand why he was suddenly very afraid for Seifer. It was the same fear he had felt after Seifer had slapped him back at Garden, when the sight of his blood had turned him into some sort of human blank. He nodded his head and shifted around so that he could look Seifer in the face while he spoke. The first sign of trouble of any kind and he would put a stop to this conversation.

"There is a world beneath ours, a world in which things sleep. This is the place that dreams come from; it is also the place that the Sorceresses draw their power from. We can't actively see it but we are aware of it. Have you ever seen something out of the corner of your eye and swear something had moved or was there? But when you turned to look at it, there was nothing? Everyone has experienced this at least once in their lives."

Squall nodded, his face drawn and tight, he reached over and held Seifer's hand that had gone clammy and cold. He didn't like that one bit.

"That is the darkness trying to make you see it. If it can make you see it then it can hurt you. Luckily, we live in this world, where light banishes darkness and keeps it at bay. Edea took me there, and explained to me how the Sorceresses came to be in the first place. She told me that one of the things that slept in the darkness escaped through a girl who could see into that place. It had taken her and possessed her, giving her the incredible powers of magic. She also told me that a Sorceress never truly dies. That her soul returns to the darkness where it will be reborn."

"I saw the darkness and it saw me Squall. It hunts me now, when I am alone and in the dark. The doctors told me that it was anxiety attacks but I know for sure now that it is the darkness seeking me out, wanting me back."

"She sent me to that place Squall, during the night while I slept. Every night. I would face you as my lover, then as my enemy and I would make you hurt, and in turn, it hurt me. Everything that I did to you was visited on me. I had no control over what I did, I could only watch and feel the pain I would inflict on you. She hated the fact that I felt something other than hatred for you. She wanted me punished and she succeeded. She would bathe me in blood, your blood and tell me that there was no escape from the darkness, that it was in me now and no matter where I went it would always be there waiting. You see I didn't really want to kill myself Squall, the darkness made me. It took control because I was alone and in the dark. It wanted to kill me and I wanted to let it, because I just wanted it to finally be over."

"And now the dreams have begun again. Only this time it's worse. I tried to wake you last night, but you didn't hear me, Oh Hyne Squall it was horrible. The faces of those who were the most innocent, the ones who suffered the most at my hand…….they are calling me to come back to the darkness. I sent them there… they are there because they took my place."

Seifer's voice had gotten very quiet near the end. Almost a whisper, and Squall wished to Hyne he had never asked the question. But he also had no idea that Seifer was carrying around something as horrible as that, and he made a vow right then and there that he would wake up whenever Seifer needed him. Though the confession of Seifer trying to wake him up confused him. He wasn't a heavy sleeper, so it should have been an easy task. Had he really tried to wake him? Or had that been part of his dream as well? He didn't know the answers to these questions, but really in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that important. Was it?

He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Seifer, who grabbed onto him and held on like a drowning man to a life preserver. Eventually they both slept fitfully but they drew comfort from each other, touching, holding, and caressing all had new meaning in security and neither wanted to let go.

Squall woke near sundown, and quietly slipped out of Seifer's arms. He didn't waste any time in lighting the candles, for Seifer's fear had become his own. As the light dwindled Squall shuddered at the memory of Seifer's words, and rushed back into the room, reluctant to leave him alone for a minute now.

He sat down to watch Seifer sleep, but when Seifer had become aware of Squall's absence he bolted upright and looked around wildly for him. Squall was at his side in a moment, and held him tight.

"I just went to light the candles that's all."

Seifer's breathing slowed as he caressed Squall's hair and inhaled his unique scent. He kissed the top of Squall's head and pulled back to look at him.

"Did you run the bath?"

"Uhh no, I didn't want to leave you for that long."

"Oh, okay, well I guess we can go do that then, I want to take a bath I feel dirty. Besides I want a cigarette and I know you won't let me smoke in here."

"Not since you set the quilt on fire."

"Hyne! Drop one measly little cigarette and start one tiny little fire and suddenly I am banned to smoking outside."

Squall looked up at him. Aware for maybe the first time since his return how forced his joviality was. But since Seifer wanted to act as if he were all right, then he would too. He would be there when things got bad and he couldn't pretend anymore. That was all that was important.

They went outside and Squall started the tub while Seifer sat down on the bench to smoke.

"You know not everything in the darkness is bad," he said with a faraway look in his eyes. "There are some good things too. The GF's are from the darkness and so is all the magic that you carry around."

"The GF's are from there too?" Squall asked incredulously.

"Yeah… I saw Griever once when I was there. They have their own domains. Each is as unique as each GF. I wish Ultimecia hadn't used him against you.

Squall didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. When the bath was ready they both stripped down and got in.

Seifer opened up his arms for Squall and without hesitation he went to him, settling himself comfortably in the crook of Seifer's arm. Seifer smiled contentedly, feeling better now that he was beside him. This was the only thing that had kept him going, the hope that he would be able to share a life with Squall. Now if he could just make Squall remember that they had been intimate before, things would not be quite so hard. _'But then again,'_ he thought wickedly, _'not everyone gets a second chance to have a first time.'_

**(End chapter 11)**

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to Kursed Seed. Thanks sweetheart! I couldn't have done it without you!


	12. Misunderstandings and Misgivings

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 12**

**Misunderstandings and Misgivings**

The morning dawned bright and beautiful, the warm sunlight greeting Squall as he opened his eyes. The sound of soft snoring from Seifer's bed told him that he still slept, but that was okay. He decided that he should probably get up and do something productive, so he grabbed his last pair of clean pants out of his suitcase and went to go make coffee.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee and cooking breakfast brought Seifer to his senses. He opened his eyes and inhaled deeply. He didn't know what Squall was cooking but whatever it was it smelled wonderful. He got up and stretched, glancing back at the bed, and wondered if he should make it up. Sighing he decided against it.

He padded into the kitchen where Squall stood by the stove, a fork in one hand and the other on his hip. He smiled and headed to the coffeepot to pour him a cup.

Squall smiled up at him when he noticed him there, "I was thinking that maybe we could go into Esthar today, there are some things we need and we could stop by to see Laguna before we come home."

He laughed when Seifer lifted his lip in mock disgust. The idea of shopping had never appealed to Seifer and it amused Squall to torment him with it.

"If you want I guess we can, but just remember that we were going to get busy on that east wall today. We need to get that up before we can finish the roof."

"I know, but we are almost out of cement and I don't want to get half way done with it only to have to leave it and go anyway."

Seifer nodded and wandered back out to the patio with his coffee to have a smoke. He stared out at the ocean, thinking to himself how beautiful it was out there. After a moment he flicked away his cigarette and ran a hand through his hair. Hyne he needed a hair cut, might as well get one when they went into Esthar, who knows it just might save him from having to go shopping.

When they had finished breakfast, Seifer went out to have a bath while Squall cleaned up, and then went about the task of doing a supply inventory and loading up the dirty laundry to be cleaned while Squall took his. The flight to Esthar was uneventful and they landed with no problem. Esthar ground control directed Squall to the same hanger that Ragnarok had been housed in before, and as soon as the loading bay door was opened, Laguna's driver greeted them. He explained that he had been sent here to take them wherever they needed to go. Squall was puzzled over how Laguna had known they were coming but the driver explained that ground control had alerted Laguna as soon as they had entered into Esthar air space.

He looked at Seifer who just shrugged and headed for the car, and instead of waiting for the driver to open the door; he opened it himself and stepped back for Squall to get in.

When he got in and shut the door, he turned to find Squall staring at him like he had grown a third eye.

"What?"

"When did you become a gentleman? I thought chivalry wasn't in your vocabulary."

"I just opened a door Squall, it wasn't like I swept my coat over a mud hole for you."

"No, but you thought of me before thinking of yourself… I find that… disturbing in more ways than one so I am going to ask you never to do that again."

"Why? Are you suddenly afraid that I'm going to start treating you like my bitch? Hyne, if I thought that you were going to go so ape shit about it I wouldn't have done it!"

He folded his arms across his chest and glared stonily straight ahead. Squall regretted saying what he said, and laid a hand on Seifer's arm, who jerked away from it.

"Seifer, I'm sorry okay? Damn it, this is exactly why I keep my mouth shut! I only meant that I like you better being a smug self centered bastard! I don't want that to change, alright?"

Seifer nodded. _'If he likes me the way that I am, who am I to argue?'_ he thought to himself, _'But I still think he was making a big deal out of nothing.' _

Squall asked the driver to take him to where he could get the supplies they needed and when they arrived he got out, and waited for Seifer but when he didn't move, he angrily slammed the door, and stalked off into the plaza.

Seifer directed the driver to take him someplace to get his hair cut, as he waited he couldn't help but feel the empty place beside him where Squall should have been. It was stupid that they had to argue over something like that. It was pointless, and Seifer decided that just as soon as he was done at the barber's he would go and find Squall.

Squall went to the various shops and ordered the supplies, directing them to be loaded onto the Ragnarok and giving the hanger number to the clerks. He was angry and it must have shown because the clerks all did as he asked without hesitation, some even ignoring other customers who had been before him to do so. It was then that he realized that he was without his mask now, Seifer had stripped it away and he was left defenseless. If he was ever going to be able to do the things he needed to do he was going to have to make a distinction between when he was with Seifer and when he was conducting business. He didn't want to share his feelings with the outside world, they weren't meant for them. There was only one person he wanted to see them and right now he wished more than anything that he were here with him.

As he walked lost in thought, a store window caught his eye. The most beautiful bed that he had ever seen was displayed there. The wood was polished to a golden sheen that reminded him of the beach at sunset, and there was a big fluffy comforter in hues of silver and blue that calmed his nerves as he looked at it. He had heard that some colors were supposed to sooth inner tension, but he had thought it was a bunch of nonsense until this moment. He felt himself relax and he imagined what it would be like to lie in that bed under that comforter with Seifer.

"You know, I am getting the impression that you missed me."

He turned around to see Seifer standing there with his hands on his hips, looking as if he had stepped back in time. The hair that had been getting rather long was back in his usual style, and the ever present smirk that had irritated him so badly back then was on his face, only this time it didn't irritate him, it made him want to throw his arms around his neck and kiss him. He resisted the urge, however Seifer had other plans. He grabbed Squall's hand and pulled him around the corner of the building into an alley, where he backed him up against the wall and proceeded to kiss him roughly. He pinned Squall's arms above his head, and ground his hips into his until Squall moaned softly into his mouth. He pulled his mouth away from Squall's when some giggling girls happened to catch sight of them in the alley, but he remained where he was, shielding Squall from view with his side and his trench coat until they had passed on.

"C'mon lets find that driver, I want to hurry up and get home."

Squall nodded his head too breathless to speak. He found he rather liked Seifer's way of apologizing.

They located the driver who had been waiting for Squall at the end of the block. This time when it came to the door situation, they each took a side and got in. The ride to the Presidential Palace was spent kissing and groping, each thankful for the tinted windows and the privacy screen between them and the driver, that allowed them this luxury.

When they arrived, they rearranged their clothing and hair, and for once Squall was jealous of Seifer's trench coat. It would have certainly have come in handy to hide his more than obvious arousal that his leather pants did nothing but accentuate. But Seifer came to the rescue and hustled him inside the elevator before anyone could notice. By the time the doors slid open, he had managed to get himself under control.

Laguna sat at his desk as usual with Ward and Kiros not too far behind. He stood though when they entered and came around the desk with a huge smile. He shook Seifer's hand and then embraced Squall, who didn't resist but blushed furiously. Laguna thought that he had embarrassed the boy by his display of affection and familiarity in front of his friend, but nothing could have been further from the truth. He was just glad that he hadn't had his erection when it happened, that would have been more than a little embarrassing.

Laguna directed them to the couch onto which they both sat, Seifer's leg rubbed against Squall's every time he moved and Squall was more that just a little aware of its presence, he was also aware that the bastard was doing it on purpose! Just wait till he got him back on board the Ragnarok, he was going to give him a piece…………… MIND…MIND… he was going to give him a piece of his mind! Hyne he had him so hot and bothered that even in his own thoughts he wasn't safe. He had to get his mind off of it and back on the conversation at hand. Laguna was speaking to him and he had already missed the first half of the sentence.

"…ter from Garden, so naturally I opened it before I realized that it hadn't been sent to me, it had been sent to you, care of me. Anyway, here," he handed an opened envelope to him, "I didn't read it or anything, well okay I read the Dear Squall part, but that made me realize my mistake. Sorry, I hope you don't mind."

Squall turned the envelope over in his hand, recognizing Quistis's handwriting. He pulled out the letter and opened it.

_Dear Squall,_

_My, you are a hard person to track down, I have been looking everywhere for you, but have obviously been unable to find you. I guess when a person doesn't want to be found it can be easy to disappear. Anyway, I had a hunch that you would still keep in touch with Laguna so I sent this letter care of him. I am glad that I was right. _

_The reason for this letter is both personal and professional. I think that I should get the professional out of the way first, before Cid blows a gasket. _

_Cid did not accept your resignation. He simply put you down for an extended leave of absence with pay, (I have included the vouchers for your back pay in this letter as well) because he didn't understand why you had resigned in the first place. He, as well as the rest of us, was aware of your increasingly serious mood swings and your last mission proved just how much in need of a vacation you were. _

_It surprised us all that you had delivered the message to not only the wrong person but forgot to get a signature for our records as well. That was not like you to be so unprofessional. You have always been the standard to which all the SeeDs have strived to achieve, even me. I may have been the youngest student to make instructor, but you were the youngest ever to be given the rank of Commander, a rank that was well deserved and to which you did justice. _

_It shocked us all when the news of your resignation got out, and there were many tears when we discovered that you had left without even saying goodbye. We just couldn't understand what would have driven you into doing something like that. I talked to Dr. Kadowaki and she tells me that you were exhibiting the classic signs of someone who was severely depressed. Everyone assumes that it was your breakup with Rinoa that caused it. _

_At any rate, whatever your reasons were, I am instructed to tell you that you will be reinstated as soon as you feel up to coming back. You are too valuable an asset to lose just because you needed a vacation. _

_Now, with the professional out of the way, we can move on to the personal. (Excuse me for a moment while I get rid of Cid, who has become way too nosy for his own good!) _

_Okay, I have now moved to the library where I can write in peace. _

_Zell tells us that Seifer was in your room the night you left, is this true? Well, of course it must be, Zell wouldn't lie about Seifer, he dislikes him too much to make something like that up. _

_Which leaves me with two questions, the first being how did Seifer manage to get into Garden in the first place? I personally deactivated his student Pass Code so how? The second is why? Why would you leave with him? You told Zell that you needed some time alone, but like Zell I am left wondering if you needed time alone why did Seifer go with you? _

_Of course, there has always been something between the two of you that I never understood. Something that went way beyond rivalry, and bordered somewhere between a sort of twisted friendship, and a fanatical love hate relationship so deranged and warped that it boggles the mind to think about. _

_Sorry, didn't mean to go all Psychological on you there. But that is one thing about the two of you that I could never define using just plain English. _

_Anyway, when you get this letter I would appreciate an answer back so that I can keep Cid from trying to leap off the balcony because he thinks that he failed you somehow, that he contributed to the problem by heaping more work on you than you could handle at the time. _

_Sincerely, Quistis_

Squall folded the letter and took the vouchers out before placing the letter back in the envelope. His hands shook a little, as did this. How could he return to Garden? He had already made peace with that part of his life and it was time to move on wasn't it? He was finally happy, and he hadn't found it in the ranks of the regiment but in the simple life with a complicated man.

It was funny to think that his whole reason for resigning was a huge misunderstanding, but not funny enough for him to want to change it. Everything about Garden and its responsibilities had nearly driven him mad, and trading happiness for madness would be, in itself sheer insanity.

But how happy would they be when there was no more money coming in. At least this way, that wouldn't happen. He would have to think seriously on this, but he didn't want to do it right now. He could feel Seifer's eyes on him, watching and wanting to know what it was all about. He didn't want to have to talk about it so he simply handed the letter to him.

Laguna raised his head, when Squall cleared his throat. He had gone back to sit at his desk to allow him to read his letter in private. He smiled when instead of waiting for him to cross the distance; Squall came to him and took a chair in front of the desk.

"I hope it wasn't bad news."

"No, just surprising. I wasn't expecting to get a letter, especially here."

"Well, it surprised me too, but I didn't mind playing messenger, in fact if you wanted to return a letter, I would be willing to post it from here. I get the feeling that you would like your whereabouts to remain a private sort of thing, which I can understand."

Squall realized that even though he had the right to, he hadn't pried into his private life at all, he had asked no questions, and he had expected nothing from him but simple conversation and company. He only asked questions about the things that Squall volunteered and even then they were generic and general in nature. He had respected his distance even as he was attempting to bridge the chasm between them. Squall began to understand why the people had made him President. He was a great diplomat even if he didn't know it. Squall liked this quality in his father, and decided that he would try and open up a little more, what could it hurt? They were after all family.

"Yeah, I better return a letter before they go off thinking I'm dead or something. I just don't know what it is that I am going to say, or how to say it."

"Would you mind if I gave you a little advice?"

"No, go ahead, these days I could use all the advice I can get."

Laguna's eyes crinkled as he smiled warmly, he had expected his offered help to be shot down, but was again pleasantly surprised by his son's reaction to it. He didn't know what it was that he had been up too since he had left Garden, but whatever it was it seemed to have thawed him out a little. He opened a drawer and pulled from it a pen and paper, sliding them across the desk to Squall.

"Okay here it goes. When you are dealing with concerned friends that you want to keep on a short leash, which I am assuming you wish to do, keep it short but personable, to the point but without being rude, and warm enough to satisfy their concerns without really telling them anything."

Squall laughed, and Laguna looked a little sheepish, but chuckled right along with him.

"It sounds like you have had some experience in that department."

"I have, the only problem with my experience is that my friends were too concerned and too stubborn to take the hint which is how they ended up here as my advisors."

Squall nodded when he indicated Ward and Kiros behind him. He just hoped that his friends wouldn't be the same way. He bent over the paper and struggled with what he wanted to say. Laguna's advice had been good, but that sure didn't help him in the actual writing of it.

He got as far as Dear Quistis before grimacing and almost ripping the paper up.

Laguna watched him struggle with it until he couldn't stand it anymore and came around the desk to lay a hand on Squall's shoulder. The pleading look in Squall's eyes was almost too much for him to take, so he bent over and together they began discussing what he wanted to say.

Seifer watched the scene from the couch, touched that Laguna cared enough to try and help. It was enough to make him long for his own father that he had never known. He smiled anyway, simply because he was glad that Squall had the opportunity to get to know his father, and the progress they were making was astounding. He had meant what he said to Laguna, that he would make sure that Squall didn't remain a stranger, because in a strange way, helping Squall get to know his father sort of made him feel like he was getting to know his own. Laguna was everything that he had hoped his own father would have been, smart, funny, successful, and probably most of all caring.

He knew very little about his parents, only that his father had been a Captain in the Galbadian Army, the only reason he knew that was because he had a picture of his them in which his father was in uniform, the Captain's bars clearly shown. His father had been a big man compared to his mother, and with his blond hair and big build, there was no doubt who Seifer resembled, but he had something of his mother too, he had inherited her green eyes. Seifer was a baby of maybe two, or three in that picture, all fat and chubby and smiling for all he was worth, while sitting on his father's lap. He missed them, even if he couldn't remember them, but seeing Laguna bent over Squall immersed deep in conversation made a little of that ache go away.

Laguna loved this, he was getting to help Squall with something he was good at, writing had always been his thing, and he was glad that he had been allowed to show it. Squall had smiled and talked more during this one conversation than he had in the all his few visits rolled into one. He was actually sad when the letter was done, but maybe the writing of it had opened the doors between them. It certainly seemed like it had.

"There now all that's left is your signature and the address on the envelope. Uhh the envelope, what did I do with it?"

Squall laughed as Laguna patted his shirt pocket and his pants, searching for the misplaced envelope, he laughed even harder when he brought his hand to his forehead in thought, it was a classic rendition of himself and for the first time he found that he didn't mind comparing himself to his father.

"I didn't get one out, that's why I can't find it!" he said as he snapped his fingers in triumph. He went around the desk and pulled out an envelope with the Estharian Presidential Seal on it and slid it over to Squall, who shook his head and sighed happily.

Squall addressed the envelope and sealed it, handing it over to Laguna who immediately handed it to Kiros who handed it to Ward who stepped to the door and handed it to a secretary.

"Ahh, you see there is presidential duty in action, I'm just the guy at the top who gets to pass the buck!"

Squall couldn't help but laugh again, he knew all too well the duties at the top and wished that when he had been in charge he had trusted his friends enough to pass the buck to them. Instead he had tried to do it all himself, only delegating the responsibility of things he didn't want to do or those that he had no choice but to. He shook his head again, he could take some serious pointers from Laguna on how to relax and enjoy life at the top. But he wasn't going back, at least not yet anyway, so those lessons would have to wait for a while.

He stood up to leave, and when Laguna hugged him goodbye he returned it without hesitation. This had been by far the best visit he had ever had here, and he found himself already planning to come back. As he and Seifer reached the elevator doors, he unexpectedly turned back to Laguna, "If you need to find me Dad, we are staying at the old orphanage."

The elevator doors slid shut and Seifer immediately pulled him into an embrace. "I didn't think that you wanted anyone to know where to find us. Why did you tell him?"

Squall thought a moment before answering. "I have long since given up trying to figure out why I do things Seifer, I think maybe I was just trying to open up and trust him a little.

Meanwhile, upstairs Kiros and Ward were picking Laguna off the floor where he had landed in a dead faint, after Squall had called him Dad. They roused him with some smelling salts, but all he would do afterwards was grin a goofy grin and say Dad over and over again. Ward looked at Kiros who shrugged his shoulders and called the secretary to cancel the rest of Laguna's schedule.

**(End chapter 12)**


	13. Love and War

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 13**

**Love and War (Not necessarily in that order)**

The Ragnarok landed softly and he and Seifer headed toward the cargo hold. Seifer shook his head, "There is no way I am going to unload all this shit! Forget it, leave it where it is, we can just use the 'Rok' for storage!"

Squall rolled his eyes but decided that he might be right, he had gone a little overboard with his spending and bought more stuff than they really had room for. So he just opened the crate that housed the bags of cement. Seifer was halfway down the ramp when Squall called his name. He turned just in time to catch a flying bag of cement, and began strutting around like he hadn't gotten lucky.

Squall grinned evilly and made a small hole in another bag, and quickly tossed it at Seifer who was not expecting another one to come flying at his head. He dropped the first bag, which landed on his foot and tried to catch the second one, but it ripped open in his hands showering him from head to toe in cement mix. Blinded he tripped over the first bag and rolled down the ramp to land on the ground with a thump.

Squall threw back his head and laughed for all he was worth. But the murderous look that Seifer shot him made him run for the hills with Seifer hot on his trail.

He ran inside the house and tried to slam the door but Seifer was too close, he plowed into the door and it swung inward with a bang, Squall desperately ran for the bedroom and Seifer cornered him, the bed in between them.

"When I get my hands on you, I swear…"

"Swear what Almasy? To hurt me? Hmmm?" Squall laughed again and then yelped when Seifer made a dash around the bed. He went up and over the bed, now standing where Seifer had been.

Despite his words, Seifer was grinning like a fool. "No, I swear to make you pay!"

"Pay how?"

"Stand still and I will show you!"

"Not a chance, you got to catch me!"

Seifer growled and leapt onto the bed. Almost catching Squall in his grasp, but he spun and ducked his way out of the room, headed for the patio, with Seifer close behind.

Squall cried out when Seifer wrapped both arms around his waist and swung him around. "GOTCHA!"

Seifer put him down and turned him around. Catching his chin in one hand he bent down to kiss him. When he pulled back slightly breathless, he looked into Squall's blue eyes and loved the mischief he saw in them. But that didn't mean that he wasn't going to make him pay.

"You see this mess you made? He said as he pointed to himself. "You are going to pay for this by cleaning it up, every inch!"

"And if I don't? Squall asked softly, liking this game very much. He was interested to see just how Seifer thought he was going to make him clean him up.

Seifer thought for a moment and then smirked his most evil smile at Squall, who suddenly wasn't so sure he wanted to find out what he had come up with. Stepping closer to Squall he wrapped his arms around him tightly and kissed him thoroughly, backing him up against the wall and grinding into him like he had done in the alley in Esthar. Squall moaned unable to stop himself, Seifer grabbed both his hands and put them over his head, pinning them to the wall with one of his own. Then he used his free hand to unbutton Squall's jeans, caressing the exposed flesh with his finger tips, Squall shuddered and twisted in Seifer's grasp, yes, he liked this game very much, but he still wasn't doing what Seifer wanted him to do.

Seifer suddenly reversed things on him though, spinning him around roughly to face the wall, hands above his head still pinned by Seifer's. He began grinding into his backside, making Squall moan even louder. The sensation's Seifer was causing weren't new to him, but never before had he allowed things to progress so far. Before he had always managed to walk away, but this time, something was different. He didn't want to walk away, he found himself wanting this more than anything he had ever wanted before in his life.

Then Seifer suddenly stopped, and just stood there while Squall was now the one doing the grinding. Pressing up against Seifer's erection, and moaning softly.

"So, you still think I won't make you pay?" he whispered in Squall's ear, " How's this for starters. If you want me, you are going to have to work for it! You can begin by running the bath water, then you are going to clean up your mess, and if I am still not satisfied, I am sure that I can come up with something else for you to do."

To Squall's horror he found himself nodding! The bastard had done it! How humiliating, to think that he had placed the challenge before Seifer only to find himself on the losing end.

He quickly started the tub while Seifer watched him scurry about. He smirked at him every time his eyes met Squall's and all Squall could do was hurry faster.

When the tub was filled, Seifer stripped down and slid into the tub, still smirking as Squall ran around gathering up towels and soap, even getting a couple of drinks before joining Seifer in the warm water.

He relaxed for a moment, leaning back against the tub, thinking about how easily he had been maneuvered into doing what Seifer wanted him to do. Yet that had always been the story between them. He never could resist Seifer's charm.

His thoughts were interrupted by a bar of soap splashing down in front of him, and a wet washcloth being slung onto his face. As he removed the cloth, his eyes met Seifer's and he remembered why he was here. He would give no arguments, and there would be no fight this time. There was no need for such things now.

He moved toward Seifer and began to wash the cement from his skin, starting with his face. When it was cement free, he placed a kiss on his lips and started on his neck and shoulders, again placing a kiss on clean skin.

He trailed the cloth down Seifer's chest and slowly washed away the traces of gritty sand, but when his hands encountered Seifer's hardened stomach muscles, he felt Seifer twitch and jump a little. Was Seifer ticklish? He had to find out and maybe in the process regain some of his dignity. He allowed his touch to become feather soft and was again rewarded with that ever so slight twitch. He glanced up to see if Seifer would say anything, but he found that Seifer had his head leaned back against the tub, eyes closed and a slight smile on his lips.

Squall smirked such an evil smirk, that had Seifer been watching he would have been proud. Stealthily he allowed the washcloth to fall from his hand and gently trailed one finger down Seifer's stomach. Then he let him have it!

Seifer's eyes flew open and he made a grab for Squall's hands to try and stop him, but it was too late. Squall had found his most hated possession, his ticklish spot.

"HAH! I have you now!"

Seifer howled in laughter as Squall's fingers poked and prodded, sending sheets of water sailing out of the tub. "No! NO! NOOO MOOORE!"

Squall continued his assault ignoring Seifer's pleas for mercy, until half the water from the tub was now covering the patio. Silently he thanked Hyne that Seifer didn't know about his own ticklish nature.

Seifer finally managed to stand up in the tub and caught Squall in a bear hug intending on throwing him out of the tub for his transgressions, unfortunately the soap in the bottom of the tub had other ideas, sending them both crashing into the bottom of the tub where they both lay dazed for a moment.

"You dropped the soap." Seifer finally managed to say.

Squall snickered softly, "Guess it's a good thing I didn't pick it up!"

Seifer smiled and pulled Squall close to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

His hand caressed the silky smoothness of his flawless skin, marveling at how golden it had become. He had thought that Squall's fair skin would have burned but it turned out that he had been wrong. He leaned over and kissed his shoulder moving slowly up to his neck.

Squall's heart and mind began to race, as cold shivers run up his spine. He moaned softly, knowing that this was the moment that would forever seal his fate with Seifer. The moment, in which he would give away that part of himself to Seifer, trusting him to cherish it always.

Seifer's lips found Squall's and he kissed him deeply, as his hands roamed their way over his body. Reaching down he found Squall already rock hard. Leisurely his hand slid down his length and squeezed gently before making its accent.

Squall allowed his hands to follow Seifer's example and did a little exploring of his own. When he reached Seifer's erection, his eyes flew open and he gasped a little in surprise.

Seifer pulled back for a moment to look at Squall, and then wrapped his arms around him whispering in his ear. "Shhh, it's okay."

He held him for a while, but he was determined to see this thing through. Squall had put him off for the last time. He stood up and pulled Squall to his feet. Getting out of the tub, he walked Squall to the bedroom, and gently laid him back on the bed.

It was too bad that Squall didn't remember what they had together. This would have been much easier and would have probably gone a little smoother, if the GF's hadn't taken those memories. But it didn't really matter. Seifer had him right where he wanted him, and no amount of protest from Squall was going to change that.

His eyes spoke of the nervousness he was feeling, for the blue had begun to fade to gray. Seifer worked quickly to relieve him of his apprehension. He nuzzled his neck and gently nipped at his collarbone. Working his way down he found Squall's nipple and licked it until he moaned, then trailed his tongue down to his bellybutton. Squall gasped as he swirled his tongue around it. Seifer's hand found his erection and he began to slowly work his hand up and down on the shaft; he moved lower and bent to taste him for the first time since the war.

As Seifer's lips made contact with his sex, Squall writhed and moaned. He had no idea that it would feel this way. His hand went to Seifer's head, unconsciously urging him lower. His lips parted and Squall threw back his head. The heat of Seifer's mouth and his tongue were driving him nearly mad.

Seifer liked the effect he was having on Squall. Even back at Garden, he had never been like this. Those sessions had been spent nearly beating the crap out of each other, before Seifer would roughly force himself on Squall. He had never complained though. In fact, Squall even came looking for it a few times. But deep down, Seifer hadn't wanted it to be that way. He wanted to see the ice around Squall's heart finally break and he wanted to be there to pick up the pieces.

Being here now, with Squall, it was everything that Seifer had hoped that it would be. He had wanted to see passion and he wasn't disappointed. Squall delivered as he always did, there was nothing held back, no barrier to hold in what he was feeling, and Seifer loved every minute of it.

He worked his tongue over the head, tasting the slight salty flavor of pre-cum, then pulled back to allow his aching jaw to rest. He kissed his way back to Squall's lips, and kissed him with all the passion that he felt for him, and was elated when it was returned in full force.

His hand snaked its way back down to continue what his jaw would not let him do. He caressed his full length, urging more pearls of pre-cum to leak out. Wetting his fingers with his slippery fluids, he then eased his way further down until he found Squall's opening and began massaging it with his moistened fingers. When it was sufficiently lubricated he gently slipped his finger past the tight ring of muscle.

Squall's body went rigid, and his hands flexed on Seifer's shoulders. The sensation of having Seifer's finger invading him was uncomfortable and a little painful. Beads of perspiration formed on his forehead, and his breathing became shallow and harsh. He wanted to cry out, when Seifer began moving his finger, making slow and deliberate circles, but gritted his teeth and tried to force himself to relax. He kissed Seifer, desperate to forget about what he was doing, it wasn't long before his body became used to the invasion and he began to loosen up.

Once he had relaxed enough, Seifer added another finger and watched as he once again struggled against the ensuing pain, but this time it didn't last as long, he relaxed into it almost immediately allowing Seifer to move his fingers in and out, gently stretching him.

Squall was lost in a sea of sensations, pain and pleasure had no boundaries and as they blurred into one, he found himself thrusting against Seifer's fingers, wanting to feel more. He moaned and tossed his head from side to side, losing all his inhibitions. When Seifer removed his fingers Squall whimpered, he had been close to release and he wanted more.

Seifer repositioned himself between Squall's legs, and spat in his hand, then rubbed it along his erection to ease his entrance. He lightly teased Squall's opening with his thumb before placing himself against it, he smiled when Squall began to push against him. Slowly he pressed in and was almost overwhelmed with the heat and tightness that Squall offered. It was all he could do to hold back, to be gentle.

His heart wanted to burst with the all the emotions that he felt. He was here with Squall and he had become his lover again. But this time, it was more than right, it was perfect. The physical sensations were nothing compared to what he felt inside, but he was going to try his best to put everything he was feeling into this one moment, to try and express them all with this single act of love.

Squall writhed and moaned, sweat poured from his skin, as passion heated it to a rosy glow. He wrapped his legs around Seifer's waist and urged him deeper into his depths, demanding the satisfaction and release his body ached for. Seifer happily complied.

He began to move in that age-old act of carnal pleasure, each riding the waves of exhilaration, racing toward the shores of oblivion, his thrusts becoming more urgent and swift. Sweat rained down on Squall as Seifer pounded into him, drenching his already wet skin, and mixing their scents to create a heady perfume of desire. Squall arched his back as again and again Seifer struck his prostate sending red-hot sparks of pleasure soaring through him.

Finally Seifer couldn't stand it anymore. Making love was nice, but he knew what Squall wanted, what they both wanted. They had been in training since they were young and each had discovered an almost perverse pleasure from the pain they received, and gave. They had to learn that not everything in life was going to be pleasant and it was a lesson that they both had learned very well. They were after all, soldiers.

Seifer grabbed Squalls hips, hauling him higher onto his thighs and threw his legs over his shoulders allowing him to sink himself further within him. Squall cried out, unable to keep from it, as Seifer's fingers dug into his flesh hard enough to bruise. The pain that Seifer induced drove Squall to new heights of ecstasy, and there was a feeling of familiarity about this scene and Squall found that a little confusing, but there was little time to think about that because Seifer had begun driving into him harder and faster than before and it was making his head spin.

Seifer was nearing his release, the cry of pain from Squall had excited him beyond reason, and he roughly grabbed his erection in a strangle hold, wanting to hear it again as he climaxed. Squall submitted to his unspoken demand, crying out as Seifer threw back his head, joining Squall's voice with his own deep growl of fulfillment, thrusting in one last time and emptying his seed deep within him. Squall shuddered and arched his back, the choke hold Seifer had on him drove him over the edge and he climaxed so hard he actually blacked out for a moment.

Seifer lowered his legs and reluctantly pulled out from within him, but it was either lie beside him or collapse on top of him. Neither spoke as they recovered from their lovemaking, no words were needed; they had said all that needed to be said in the physical expression of the love they both felt.

Seifer grabbed the quilt covering their sweat soaked bodies from the night's chill and pulled Squall close, holding him and stroking his wet hair away from his forehead. He looked into those incredible blue eyes and for a moment was swept away by the emotions that they held. He smiled as did Squall, and he leaned in to brush his lips against his. When he pulled back, those eyes had closed and he marveled at the long lashes that lay against his cheeks. He smiled again and laid a soft kiss on each of them before closing his own and succumbing to sleep.

**(End Chapter 13)**


	14. The Folly of Friends

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 14**

**Oh the Folly of Friends**

"The following students report to the cafeteria for mail call! Johnny Sullener, Betty Douglas, Commander Quistis Trepe, that is all!"

Quistis looked up from her book as an excited Selphie jumped up and down clapping her hands. "Oh mail! Isn't it exciting? I wonder who sent it? Quisty you don't have a pen pal you forgot to mention do you?"

Quistis shook her head and rolled her eyes behind her book. Sometimes she really wondered if Selphie were human, nobody could be that energetic without genetic manipulation being involved.

"No, Selphie I don't have a pen pal, it probably will be a letter telling me that I might already be a millionaire." Sighing she got up from her spot, acting as if she couldn't care less about what kind of mail it was, but as soon as she had left the Quad she began to run to the cafeteria.

She skidded to a stop just before she entered the doors and smoothed her uniform, taking care that she presented herself, as a SeeD Commander should. Slowly she entered the doors and the student mail carrier glanced her way. She politely waved him off so that he could give the other student's their mail first, not wanting to appear as nervous as she felt. It had only been a week and half since she had written that letter to Squall, she couldn't possibly get her hopes up that this was a return letter so soon, but her hands shook when they took the letter from the student carrier and she didn't bother looking at it until she was back in her dorm room.

She sat down on her bed and turned the letter over. The Estharian Presidential Seal was on the front of the letter, but written in Squall's beautiful handwriting was her name. Eagerly she tore open the envelope and let it flutter to the floor in her haste to open the letter. Leaning back on her bed she began to read.

_Dear Quistis, _

_I have to commend you on your excellent investigational skills. Not everyone would have thought to send your letter care of Laguna, but as usual you are a head of the game by at least a foot. (A little joke, don't blame me, I'm really not writing this letter, my evil twin is!) _

_At any rate, please tell Cid that I will consider his offer seriously, and not to leap off the balcony for my sake or anyone else's for that matter. Garden needs him and if I were to come back I don't think I would want to do my job if I worked for someone other than Cid. _

_Tell the others that I think of them often and for them not to worry about me. I am getting better, now that the pressure is off and I have had a chance to breathe. _

_As for my being depressed about Rinoa, yes, I was for a while but I have gotten over that and decided that I am better off for it. While we were in everyone's mind the perfect couple, sometimes Prince Charming isn't so charming. What happened to break us up had been my fault and I accepted that blame. It just goes to show you that I have faults just like everyone else. _

_And that brings me to Seifer; I want to ask you not to mention him to anyone else. It's okay that you and the other's know, but I would rather it stay just between us. Yes, Seifer was there that night and I'm afraid that things between him and Zell will never change. Yes, he did leave with me, and yes we are still traveling together, but as far as the why part, well I can't really explain that in any definable terms that you would understand. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but I think you might have been expecting that from me. If you know me as well as you claim to that is. _

_Well, I think that I have wasted enough of Laguna's time by occupying his chair and sitting at his desk. Tell the other's that for about 15 minutes, I got to be the President of Esthar. Selphie should love that one. _

_Sincerely,_

_Squall_

She stared at his elegant signature at the bottom of the page, and marveled how he had managed to say a lot without really saying anything. How different he was on paper than in person. _I guess some people find it easier to be personable when they don't have to face the person they are speaking to_... but then again, Squall never struck her as the type to be personable even if it were on paper. Something was off and she couldn't put her finger on it.

She lovingly touched the paper and the ink strokes, just knowing that it had been in his hands and that he had been the one to craft each stunning stroke, was enough to make her want to cry. He was alone now and available, maybe she could establish some sort of relationship with him through paper and words. Well, she would never know if she never tried, but it would have to wait till later, first she had to go read this letter to the others and get their opinion on it.

She exited her room and made her way back to the Quad where everyone sat talking and laughing. She wished that Squall could have been open enough to join in with them; he would have been surprised to find a lot of his perceptions about them had been wrong.

Selphie spotted Quistis and jumped up and down squealing, "What is it, what is it?"

Okay most of his perceptions would have been wrong, however he had hit the nail on the head with Selphie.

"It was a letter from Squall."

Everyone stopped talking and looked at her, even Selphie went quiet.

Zell stood up, and walked over to her, "You going to read it Quisty?"

"I was hoping to, that is if all of you were interested in hearing it."

She was enjoying the power of the moment, was it wrong? Hell why should she care if it were wrong? It certainly was fun.

Everyone was on their feet now, gathered around her, and throwing questions at her left and right. Finally she raised her hands to quiet them and led the way back to the spot where she had been sitting. They all parked themselves in front of her, waiting expectantly. She opened the letter and began to read.

When she had finished, they all were quiet. Quistis looked at each of them and shook her head.

"Did you all hear it? He said a lot without saying anything, how many of you here think that sounds like the Squall we know. Everyone looked at everyone else. No one raised a hand. Good, because Squall didn't write this letter, I mean it is his handwriting there is no mistaking that, but someone else came up with the words, and I am thinking that a certain Estharian President who is also a damn good writer, came up with this letter and helped Squall try and put us off."

"I say we pay Mr. Laguna Loire a visit and see what we can drag out of him. I don't know about the rest of you but I don't trust Seifer, and knowing that he is with Squall when Squall is so obviously impaired, just makes me angry. If he were any kind of true friend he would have insisted that Squall get some help and then bring him home. But seeing as how, I don't see that happening at all, maybe we should take the initiative and bring Squall home ourselves. Who's with me?"

As Quistis finished speaking her mind on the matter, she looked at each of them trying to determine what they were thinking. Selphie was chewing her bottom lip and playing with the hem of her skirt. Zell seemed to mulling things over, but for all Quistis knew, he could be thinking about hotdogs. And Irvine, the most likely one to give an argument, didn't seem too argumentative. He just leaned against Selphie, lowered his cowboy hat and crossed his arms. For all intensive purposes, he could have been sleeping.

She let them think things over, hoping for at least some sign that they were at least still breathing. She didn't want them to know how nervous she was feeling about this decision. She was after all the acting SeeD Commander and second-guessing her decisions would make her appear as if she didn't know what she was doing. But that had been the boon of her entire career. The inability to stick with a decision once it had been made. Inwardly she groaned. If they decided to argue the point and make up excuses as to why they shouldn't go, she didn't know if she could stick to her guns.

After several tense minutes, Selphie raised her hand, immediately followed by Zell's who apparently had already made his decision, but he just didn't want to be the one to go first. Irvine didn't raise his hand; in fact he did nothing at all, except snore! The damn Galbadian Cowboy truly _had_ fallen asleep! But she wasn't going to let that stop her. She had the majority vote and that was all that mattered. Besides, it felt damn good that she had made a decision and stuck with it! Never mind the fact that had she been shot down, she probably would have resigned.

She got up and absently smoothed the back of her uniform, her mind was already going a mile a minute with questions she intended on asking Laguna. She made her way to the elevator and began ticking off mentally all the tricks she could employ to get the Estharian President to tell her what she wanted to know. One way or another, she was determined that Laguna was going to spill all that he knew.

**(End chapter 14)**


	15. Knight's Vow

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 15**

**Knight's Vow**

Edea stood staring out into the blackness of the night and wanted to cry. There was so much that she had never had the chance to explain to Seifer and she could feel him getting worse. If Ultimecia hadn't kept her so far under her control perhaps she might have been able to give Seifer the answers he so desperately needed right now.

For months they had been searching for him, only to find that he had either just vacated the premises or had never been there at all. Rumors of sightings were all it took for them to be up and running again, and it was beginning to fray her nerves.

Cid put an arm around her waist in a comforting gesture, "He's out there somewhere, we will find him I promise you."

She sighed, suddenly feeling her age. "We need to find him Cid, if we don't he is going to die. I know this with all certainty. I have tried everything I can think of to bring him to me, but something seems to be blocking our link. Maybe his fear of me is what it is, but that isn't what it feels like."

"Oh? What does it feel like?"

"Well, it's a bit difficult to explain the feeling, because it's like asking someone to describe texture when they have gloves on, but whatever it is Cid, it's strong. I know because I have tested it and it nearly made me sick when I tried to break through it to call to him."

She sighed again and tears began streaming down her face. Cid wrapped his arms around her slight frame and gently rocked her. Not really knowing what he could possibly say or do to stop her tears. He knew how desperate the situation was looking, maybe if they told the others what was happening they could help.

"Perhaps we should tell them my dear, if nothing else they might be able to come up with some places that we haven't looked yet."

Edea smiled through her tears, yes, perhaps they should tell them. After all it was only fair. They had been searching privately since Ultimecia defeat with no success, and he was their friend. Someone that they cared about even though he had tried to kill them.

"Yes, Cid, perhaps we should. Why don't you call Quistis and we will explain to her the situation."

Quistis made her way dejectedly to the cafeteria, she hadn't expected Laguna to be such a tough egg to crack, but crack he hadn't. Not even when threatened with bodily harm. In fact he was rather amused at her antics and kept smiling at her the whole time. It was infuriating especially when she had pulled out Save the Queen and all he had done was howl with laughter.

She slumped into a seat and was about to begin eating when the loudspeaker crackled to life. "Commander Trepe to the Headmaster's Office. That is all"

Sighing she got up and dumped her uneaten food into the trash bin. So much for a peaceful day, and she had been hoping to get some time alone to write Squall another letter. Not that Laguna would actually save it for him now, but then again, he wasn't the kind of guy to hold a grudge.

She made her way to Cid's office and was surprised to find Edea there in the office as well. She hugged her and sat down in one of the chairs in front of Cid's desk.

"What can I do for you Headmaster?"

"Actually is isn't really me who wished to speak to you Quistis. Edea here has something important she wishes to tell you."

Quistis listened politely as Edea explained how they had been searching for Seifer since his disappearance after the war and how Seifer was now in danger of dying. Quistis managed to keep her expression passive until she had finished, but oh how she wished she could, if just for a moment, see Seifer as the pathetic broken creature that Edea described. But the only thing that would come to mind was the look on Seifer's face when Edea had impaled Squall with that ice javelin. The smug bastard had been smiling, even though he had been defeated by Squall in the duel, he still had enough gall to smirk at his former friend's fate.

It was really hard for her to keep the anger from showing on her face. While yes, she did feel a bit sorry for him, but he had gone into this thing with his eyes wide open. All it had taken was Edea to say follow me, and the poor fool followed. His precious Romantic Dream meant more to him than the friends he had grown up with.

Edea watched her, already knowing what she was thinking. Poor Quistis was as easy to read as the pages in a children's book. She could see that she was struggling with the idea that Seifer was suffering. But Quistis would never be able to understand exactly what had happened. She had always and would forever see things as completely black and white. She was unable to grasp the concept that Sorceresses and the Knights both fell into an area of an extreme shade of gray. She could never comprehend that it had been the strength of a pledge made as a little boy that Seifer had so completely sealed his fate. A pledge made in ignorance and innocence, but it was enough to bind him to her, and a Knight's Vow could never be broken.

Quistis decided that her personal feelings about Seifer would have to wait. Right now he was with Squall, and if he really was as bad off as Edea had described, then Squall was in more danger than she had first surmised. The fact that he had been here at Garden, and had left with Squall only made her feel worse about the situation. Edea looked so concerned for Seifer that fear began to well up in the pit of her stomach. Edea had no idea that Seifer had been here, and Quistis was going to have to break the news to her. _Hyne, why couldn't someone else have been appointed Acting Commander?_

She decided to just bite the bullet. There was no use acting as if she didn't know anything, that. It would be wrong. If Edea had been searching for Seifer, then she deserved to know the truth.

"Do the others know?" Quistis asked, trying to buy herself a little time for composure. A bit of time to try and figure out just how she was going to say what she had to say.

"No, you are the first one we have told. I leave it in your hands to decided whether or not to tell them." Edea smiled softly at Quistis, and patted her knee.

After she had gotten herself under control, she looked at them both and took a deep breath. "Well then under the light of this new information, there is something that you both need to be aware of. Seifer was here at Garden a few months ago, and he left with Squall. I just received a letter from Squall a couple of days ago and he said that Seifer is still with him. That was part of the reason for our coming to Esthar. I think that not only has Laguna seen them both recently but I also think he might know where they are. However he isn't talking. I tried to explain to him that I need to find Squall but he refused to give me an answer. Granted I will admit that I had my misgivings about the reason Squall was with Seifer in the first place, I had been thinking that Seifer was trying to take advantage of Squall in his current state of mind. But if he is as bad off as you say he is, then there is no way he could be manipulating Squall."

Both Cid and Edea looked at each other. Seifer had been at Garden and neither of them had been aware of it. They were that close to finding him and never knew it. It was both elation and a let down, but they chose to remain optimistic about things.

"Are you sure he won't tell you where they are? I mean, perhaps if he was aware of the trouble that Seifer was in, then maybe he would cooperate."

Quistis shook her head, "Sadly no, he won't. He was quite adamant about not betraying Squall's trust. He said that he had given his help when asked for it and that for the first time, he actually felt like Squall might be willing to give him a chance."

She sighed and rubbed her temples, wanting the headache she was developing to go away. "There is one other thing though, something that Laguna let slip, or didn't think it was important enough to hide. Wherever they are, they have the Ragnarok."

Cid and Edea looked at each other again, but this time hope and happiness filled their faces. Maybe they had just gotten the break they needed to find Seifer before it was too late.

**(End Chapter 15)**


	16. Dreams in the Darkness

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 16**

**Dreams in the Darkness**

Rays of light flooded the cerulean blue waters, creating a rainbow effect that caused Squall to smile. It was a beautiful day out, the kind that most people only dream of and he couldn't think of anything better than spending such a day with Seifer.

Squall leaned over on his elbows, blowing his chocolate hair out of his face. Seifer was sitting at the edge of the red cloth, his back turned to him. Squall idly surveyed the empty plates and glasses. Cleaning up would be a hassle, but it was well worth it. It had been a wonderful picnic.

Squall tilted his head to the side, wondering what Seifer was thinking about. He decided to ask him.

"What are you thinking about?"

Squall frowned slightly when the blonde didn't answer him. He didn't even turn around.

"Seifer?" Maybe he was lost in his own thoughts.

Squall sat up and leaned over, reaching out to touch Seifer. When Squall's hand reached his back, though, the hand went through Seifer, a wave of coldness flowing over him.

Squall pulled back hastily. _'What in the hell?'_ He moved again, only to have his hand once again go through Seifer, the same cold feeling washing over him.

"Seifer?" Squall was beginning to panic now, but he didn't care. Something was wrong. Something was definitel_y _wrong.

Squall stood up and began to walk towards the older man, who had yet to turn towards him. "Seifer, what's going on?"

He reached his hand out again, taking another step towards him.

Suddenly Seifer whirled around and grabbed Squall's arm roughly. "Don't." He hissed.

Squall flinched at the tight grip the blonde had on him. It was Seifer... but yet... it _wasn't_ Seifer. The face, it was wrong… So blurry… Almost like it was...

Before Squall could give it another thought he felt the ground shift below him. "What?" He stumbled backwards as the ground began to collapse.

"Seifer!" He cried out as he lost his footing, the earth crumbling below him.

He wasn't prepared for the fall, and only managed to grab hold of the ledge as he dangled helplessly. He looked down for a second. It was as dark as night, the bottom nowhere in sight.

Squall looked up again, frantically wondering where Seifer was.

As if he could hear his thoughts, the blonde appeared before him, but once again, _not_ him. Why couldn't Squall make out his face?

"Help me!" He cried, his arms and hands beginning to ache from the repeated efforts of pulling himself up. "Seifer, don't just stand there! Help me for Hyne's sake!"

But Seifer did nothing. He tilted his head slightly, as if contemplating helping the younger man, but did not move.

"Seifer... I'm beginning to lose my grip... I-" Squall's words were cut short when a strong gust of wind caused him to lose his hold, plummeting him into the darkness.

_'Falling... I'm falling... forever?'_ Squall thought to himself as he continued to fall. The light became dimmer and dimmer, until there was no more. _'Into the darkness he's so afraid of...'_ Squall idly wondered if this was his fate, to fall forever. There had to be an end, right?

His head seemed to grow heavier as he fell further, his thoughts distorted_. 'I wonder if everyone will miss me... what will Seifer tell them? That I'm falling? Doomed forever to fall, never knowing if there is a bottom to this bottomless pit... who knows...' _

He struggled against his rapidly closing eyes, fighting to stay awake. _'I must not sleep... must not... sleep... can...not... sle...ep..." _

"Run..."

Squall winced at the voice. His head was pounding. _'Where am I...?'_

"Run quickly before he catches you."

Run? Run from whom?

"Get up and _run_."

The urgency of the voice caused Squall to sit up immediately. He blinked several times, trying to get the white spots that were blurring his vision to stop.

When he could see straight again, he looked around, but no one was there. "Then who..." his voice trailed off.

"Quick, _hurry_!"

Squall jumped up as a loud thumping noise was heard. The ground began to vibrate.

"He comes."

A loud roar echoed through the chambers. Squall turned towards the sound, unsure and frightened.

The beast crashed into the corridor, growling ferociously.

It was all he could do to remain standing. He had seen that face before, heard that cry... but it hadn't been since...

"He will kill you, now **_RUN!_**"

Squall didn't question the voice again and began to run as fast as his feet could carry him. He had no idea where he was or where he was going, but as long as it was away from the creature, he didn't care.

"COME BACK HERE!"

The brunette almost stopped in his tracks at the sound of the beasts' voice, but quickly caught himself and continued running.

"YOU MUST COME BACK HERE!"

_'Like hell I am...'_ He thought warily to himself as he dashed down a long, curving hallway. He couldn't really see what he was doing, so he almost crashed into the walls several times, always catching himself right before it was too late.

"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND, FOOLISH HUMAN!"

_'Don't need to understand anything. Must get out of here.'_

"YOU ARE THE KEY!"

Squall didn't allow himself to wonder what the creature meant as he ducked into a small chamber to his left.

The monster followed closely behind him, although how such a large beast could fit into such a small place was beyond Squall's imagination

"YOU ARE THE KEY!"

_'So you've already said...'_ He thought cynically to himself, as he began taking deep breaths. He was beginning to tire, but he wouldn't let that stop him. _'There's no way in hell am I going down now.'_

"HE NEEDS YOU!"

Squall wanted to scream in joy when he rounded the corner, only to be faced with a bright light that laid about ten feet away. _'Into the light, into the light._' He chanted silently. _'Get away from the darkness, into safety. To the light, light, light.' _

"WE NEED YOU!"

Squall ran faster than he had ever run before, almost flying off of the ground. Closer, closer... _'Only a few steps now...'_

"HE WILL DIE IF YOU DO NOT HELP HIM!"

Squall plunged ahead into the light, immediately falling to the ground, gasping for air.

He heard another loud roar and whirled around. _'Please, dear Hyne no.'_

Relief washed over him as he saw the creature standing at the doorway, seemingly unable to pass. He repressed the sudden urge to smirk at the being and instead leaned over, willing his heartbeat to slow.

_'Is it just me... or is the room spinning...?' _

"I told you to run. You should have listened to me the first time." Squall looked up to see a young girl sitting off to his left, her arms hugging her legs to her chest.

"What... who..." He didn't know where to begin.

The girl sighed and stood up. "He's right, you know."

"...Who?"

The girl began to walk towards the beast, stopping just a few feet away from him. "Griever." She said flatly.

Squall's head began to pound again. The creature chasing him _had_ been Griever, but it made no sense. He had killed Griever when he defeated Ultimecia. "But... Griever... we..."

The girl turned back to him and shrugged. "Everything exists within the darkness. What started in the darkness must return there."

Squall didn't even bother commenting on the fact that she made no sense. "Who are you? Where are we?"

The girl smiled at him. "I am Kristina and this" She lifted her hands up, "Is the darkness."

"But... there's light."

Kristina shrugged again. "Darkness can take on almost any form. Don't let it fool you."

Squall opened his mouth to speak, but Kristina turned away from him and began to walk.

"Hey, wait! Where are you going?"

"Come along and find out." She replied, not bothering to look back at him.

Squall got up and began to follow her, neither of them saying a word.

They walked down a steep hill; a mass of gray could be seen in the distance. Squall could not quite make out what it was yet. Funny, he couldn't remember having exited the hallways in which he had ran from Griever. In fact it was as if they had simply melted away into the landscape that now surrounded them. A landscape that was disturbingly familiar. As they drew closer, Squall could see that the mass of gray was a cemetery.

"Why are we here?"

Kristina said nothing until they were inside the cemetery gates. "You shall see."

Squall followed her through the masses of graves, each name gaining no recognition from him. _'Strangers... everyone of them are strangers...'_

"Look."

Squall had to jerk himself backwards to keep from walking straight into the small girl. He looked around, seeing nothing but more graves. "What's so special about graves?" He snapped, not really in the mood for games.

"Look." She repeated, lifting her left hand, pointing to the grave in front of them.

Squall squinted in the darkness, trying to make out exactly what the tombstone said. "I can't read it."

"Look closer."

The brunette stepped forward, wiping the moss off of the lettering with his thumb. He blinked when he realized what it said, a feeling of dread washing over him. "What..."

_"Seifer Almasy _

_Brave and Faithful Knight"_

"The fallen knight must not fall," the girl simply said.

"I... I don't understand." Oh, how he desperately wanted to understand. How could it be that Seifer had come to be laid to rest in a cemetery that he didn't know, amongst strangers, who's names Squall did not recognize.

"The fallen knight must not fall," she repeated, almost as if she were talking to a very slow child.

Try as he might, Squall could not fathom what she was getting at. Okay, the fallen knight was certainly Seifer, but by fall did she mean die? Or did she mean to literally fall? Is that what had killed Seifer? A fall?

He shook his head, trying for all he was worth to rid himself of the blinding headache so that he might be able to wrap his brain around what she was trying to tell him.

"I can't..." he started. But could not bring himself to speak to her again. Not yet. There were too many questions to which he did not have the answers for. So like being at Garden again. The all too familiar sense of being overwhelmed and unsure as to what to do, stole over him once more. He hated that sensation. He hated not knowing what he should do, but he hated even worse not understanding.

Squall stared at the letters, not believing what was happening. It couldn't be real, it just _couldn't_.

"Who are you?" He yelled suddenly, whirling around to the girl. She _had_ to be the key to solving the puzzle.

Kristina shrugged, "Does it matter? You must protect him at all costs."

"I still don't understand what you mean!"

"Let me show you..."

Mist began to gather around them as the background changed.

"Where are we..."

"Look and see."

Squall peered through the fog. "I can't."

"Wait."

The mist began to thin and separate. Squall stumbled forward. "Where are..."

The realization hit him like a load of bricks. "No…"

Before him stood Balamb Garden, but not as he knew it, no, this Balamb Garden was in trouble. The foundation was decayed, the structure rotten. Debris lay everywhere, blood swept across its floors, bodies littered the ground. It was like hell on earth, only... worse... much, much worse.

"There is no separation between the light and the dark. Look."

Squall turned towards the direction Kristina was pointing. "The sun..." he whispered as the orange ball began to sink into the sky.

"Watch them rise."

Squall stood motionless as millions of demons and fiends began to rise from everywhere. They came out of the ocean, the sky, and ground. There was no place safe from them.

A sharp scream caused Squall to whirl around. He stared in horror at the scene before him.

Bahamut roared, spreading his wings. Quistis stood in front of him, battered and bruised, whip in hand.

"Go back from where you came!" She screamed, hitting the once gentle GF as hard as she could.

The beast did not even seem to notice as he drew back, the white beams gathering at his mouth. A sharp piercing sound was heard.

"NO!" Squall screamed, trying to reach Quistis in time.

Megaflare hit her before he had even taken as much as three steps. The blonde crumpled to the ground, her body badly burned.

Squall raced over to her side and gingerly picked her up, desperately searching for any signs of life. "Quistis? Quistis, wake up!"

She showed no response. Squall lowered his head to her chest. No heartbeat.

"No…"

Squall could not believe what he was seeing. What in the world would have caused the GF's to do such a thing? It was inconceivable that they were capable of delivering such destruction upon those who had once wielded their magic, called them forth from nothingness.

Suddenly a familiar voice rose from the cacophony of noise.

"Everyone, line up! We cannot let them break through!"

Squall lifted his head at the sound of Zell's voice. He was running around frantically, barking orders to those who would listen. "We need to organize, now!"

Hundreds of students raced past him, running in all different directions. Zell let out a string of curses and began to run back into the Garden. Attempting to rally those students who had turned tail and run. His efforts were to be in vain. Hundreds of demons came flying out the night sky to attack Zell.

Squall could hear Zell's cries of pain and despair, though his feet remained rooted to the spot they were standing on. All he could do was watch as again and again, Zell beat back the demonic figures.

"Get away from me!"

"Where in the hell are they coming from?"

"Please, Hyne!"

He helplessly watched as Zell's body disappeared from view, hidden beneath a living, writhing mass of dark shapes.

Squall could no longer distinguish one voice from another, the screams all blended together, creating a horrifying melody of death and despair. Everywhere he looked, lay the bloody evidence that Garden was on the losing end of this war.

The sound of gunfire rang through the air. Squall turned, trying to determine where it had come from.

"Back away you bastard!"

"You leave us alone!"

Squall raced towards the familiar voice, which was usually filled with such pep and cheer. He slowed when he heard more gunfire and crested a hilltop and froze. Ifrit stood growling furiously, and Squall was terrified, even though Ifrit had his back towards him.

He leaned his head to the right. Beyond the monstrous GF stood Selphie, who was standing in front of a very injured Irvine. The brunette held Exeter in her hands, shaking profusely.

"Go away and leave us alone!" She screeched, firing again.

Ifrit began to walk towards her as the bullets hit him repeatedly. A low growl escaped his throat as he reached back, swinging his gigantic hand towards her, causing her to fly several feet backwards.

Squall wanted to run and help them both, but he seemed to be glued to the ground. He tried again and again to move, but it was to no avail. He seemed to be able only to witness these events and not interfere. Tears stung his eyes with this realization, but he was suddenly glad too. For if he could not interfere, then perhaps that meant that he would not be harmed either. Though it was a small comfort.

He heard Selphie whimper slightly as Ifrit again began to walk towards her fallen form.

"Please... just leave us alone..."

The beast let out another roar and pounced on the small girl, ripping into her skin quickly.

The sounds of her screams made Squall feel incredibly sick. _'I want to wake up I want to wake up._ _This is just a dream, just a dream. It has to be a dream!'_ He screamed to himself.

Suddenly he was running, although he wasn't sure how or why. His feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they carried him through the masses of bodies and the spilt blood.

He pulled to a stop in front of a tree. Edea stood before him, smiling pleasantly, as if this sort of thing happened everyday. _'Nothing strange here, folks.'_

"What's going on?" He screamed at her, grabbing her roughly.

Her smile widened, but she remained silent.

Squall let go of her and stumbled backwards as the darkness began to rise and seep into her body.

"What in the...?"

Edea lifted her hands, almost like she was in ecstasy, as the darkness began to pour into her in increased amounts.

Squall stumbled back a few more steps.

"Look from where it comes," came the voice that had brought him here.

For some reason he felt relieved to hear Kristina's voice. He turned towards the direction she was pointing. His eyes widened.

"Garden...?"

The darkness poured out of the doors, the windows, out of its every crack and hole.

"The darkness is coming from... Garden?" He whispered.

"Only sorceresses are meant for darkness... if one dies with the darkness, but is not a sorceress, the darkness will be exposed for all to see..."

Squall felt dread fill him to his very core. Enlightenment suddenly hit him hard and he could see with clarity what the girl had been trying to tell him.

"Seifer is... carrying the darkness...?"

Kristina nodded approvingly. "You're beginning to understand."

"How do I save him?" He shouted, whirling back around towards her. "Huh?" He looked around frantically. _'Where did she go?'_

"Go to him." A voice whispered inside his head.

Squall understood immediately. "Seifer." He whispered. He began to run once again, pushing past all of the people and demons, running faster and faster, until he stood at the cemetery gates.

"Seifer..." He whispered again, making his way inside.

Squall gasped as he drew closer to Seifer's grave. Where there had once stood a tombstone was now only churned up earth. A gaping hole now lay where the grave had stood just minutes before.

"Seifer?" Squall ran over to the grave, peering into the hole fearfully.

Below, covered in earth and rain, was Seifer. His lips were blue, his skin pale, rotted. The stench of death was enough to almost make Squall vomit.

Squall began to cough furiously when he noticed the darkness. It began slowly, almost as if a trickle, and continued, a small stream, a rushing river... a raging ocean, out of his body, into the world. The darkness poured and poured, never-ending.

"No!" Squall screamed, swatting at the darkness furiously. "You can't have him! Leave him alone! Get away from him!"

Squall fell backwards as Seifer's body began to move, his eyelids fluttering.

The brunette began to back up slowly, slipping from the mud that caked his hands and clothes.

Seifer pulled himself up to a sitting position, the dirt and death still clinging to him, the darkness still pouring out. He opened his eyes, dead, vacant eyes, and looked straight at Squall.

"Why... why weren't you there?" He whispered. "You let the darkness take me. You promised that you would be there!"

"NO!"

Squall sat up instantly, his body drenched with sweat. He looked around frantically. His room. He was in… his room.

"Just a dream..." He whispered, panting furiously. "It was... just a dream..."

Squall looked over at Seifer, who was sleeping peacefully. Apparently his little screaming fit hadn't woken up the content blonde.

Squall got up from his bed and leaned over him, placing a hand against his cool cheek. Cool, not cold. _Alive_.

"I won't let them get you..." He whispered, kissing his brow. "I will protect you... I promise..."

Squall sighed and looked around.

Darkness.

Everywhere.

Squall gave Seifer one last quick glance and stood up, making his way to the patio.

He sighed to himself as the cold night air hit his warm skin. He grabbed one of Seifer's many candles and lit it, holding it close to him as if it were the answer to everything.

He began to walk around, checking in on Seifer every now and then.

The darkness would not get him

Squall wouldn't allow it.

Only when the sun began to rise did Squall feel a slight bit of comfort.

One night down... only Hyne knows how many left. He knew that he couldn't go on like this, if his nightmare was any indication of what Seifer was going through then he was in serious need of help.

Without a moment more thought, he sat down at the kitchen table and began to write a letter. He needed answers and he needed them as soon as possible. He just hoped that in sending this letter that he wasn't opening a hornet's nest of problems. Seifer didn't need more problems, he needed help, and the one person who could help him could also hurt and betray him, but Squall decided to trust Edea one last time.

**(End Chapter 16)**

**A/N:** Thanks must go out to Kursed Seed who wrote out the original dream sequence in this chapter. Thanks a million! Without you, it would have been a rather tedious read!

Zen


	17. Surprises

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 17**

**Surprises**

_Dear Matron,_

_  
I am not really good at writing letters but I think you will understand. The reason I am writing to you is that I am terrified that something bad is happening to Seifer, and I think you might have the answers I need. _

_His time as your knight was a horrible experience for him, simply because you were not the same woman that he had pledged his loyalty and honor to as a boy. (Yes, I do recall that happening. Not being junctioned has helped bring back a few of my memories.) _

_After seeing and doing what I did during and before time compression, I realize now that you had no choice but to take the powers Ultimecia offered you. It is the very paradox that sealed our fates. She came to you after her defeat so that she could use you in the future. (See all that thinking that I do sometimes isn't such a bad thing.) But, Seifer was not her knight; I don't think she had a knight, which is another reason she chose you. Through you she began to feed Seifer her poison so that when we defeated you, she could have control of Seifer without his pledge. That's the way I see it, whether or not it is correct I don't know yet. _

_The things that she did to him through you were terrible and he is still paying the price for his loyalty to you. Please tell me about the darkness and just what it means. I am trying desperately to help Seifer, but without the information I need, I don't think I can. _

_Last night I had the most horrific dream, in which the light and the darkness were no longer separated. GF's that were once tamed and beneficial creatures had become our most powerful enemies. Garden was in ruins and Griever was yelling at me that I am the key… whatever that means… I know it must seem like a strange reason to write to you, but something in that dream scared me beyond reason. The fallen Knight must not fall. If I don't do something to help him, he is going to die. And if he dies, then I think something even worse is going to happen. Please Matron, I am searching for answers and you have them, I know you do. Please write me back, care of my father, and do it as soon as you receive this letter. _

_Thanks!_

_Squall_

With the letter finished, Squall felt better, he sealed the envelope and put it into his jacket pocket to be given to Laguna to mail. With that finished he began to make breakfast.

Seifer woke to the smells of coffee and food. Damn Squall was spoiling him to that. He smirked as he got out of his bed, but frowned just as quickly when he saw Squall's unmade bed. _'Hmm… that's not like him… maybe I am rubbing off on him…'_

He padded into the kitchen, and would have stayed there just watching Squall while he cooked, but Squall turned around and threatened to beat him with the Spatula of Doom if he didn't stop staring. Smirking at Squall he pinched his ass and ducked when he swung the spatula.

Snickering softly he made his way out to the patio to smoke, not wishing to endure a beating.

He felt good. For once there had been no nightmare last night, and for that he was grateful. Maybe things were not as bad as they seemed. Perhaps he was getting better, and if he was, he only had Squall to thank for it.

"Almasy! Get your ass in here and eat!"

"Yes sir! Oh high and mighty Commander! Wouldn't dream of keeping you waiting!"

"Just get in here will you?"

Seifer flicked his cigarette into the sand and went back into the kitchen, leaving the sliding door open to let the unseasonably warm breeze float in.

As they ate, Seifer marveled at the simplicity their lives had taken on. There were no pressures, no duties, no responsibilities other than what they gave themselves. It was an incredible feeling, just being here alone with Squall; he never really thought that he would enjoy such a life. A life not regulated by the regimented daily life of a soldier.

Squall looked up to find Seifer staring at him again. "What?"

"Nothing, just thinking."

"Oh… I was wondering what that smell was."

Seifer's mouth hung open. So it was going to be like that was it? Well, then one turn deserves another; he picked up his piece of toast and chucked it at Squall. "Bitch!" he growled.

The toast hit Squall squarely on his forehead and landed in his plate, and Squall immediately picked it up and chucked it back. "Watch who you are calling a bitch! Or else I will show you just how much of one I can be!"

Seifer smiled suggestively at him and Squall rolled his eyes. "Nope! You aren't going to get me that easily! Besides, I want to go to Esthar and that means we are leaving in about ten minutes. So unless you want all of Esthar to see what you have to offer, I suggest you go get dressed!"

"You really are a bitch!"

With that he got up laughing and went to go get dressed leaving Squall to clean up the kitchen.

When they arrived in Esthar, Squall was still trying to figure out a way to see Laguna without Seifer there. He didn't want a bunch of questions and he knew Seifer would be curious about who he was writing now. Questions that he didn't want to answer.

But Seifer proved to be most accommodating. When they arrived at the Presidential Palace, Seifer merely brushed his lips against Squalls and made no move to get out of the car.

"Aren't you coming with me?" he asked, wondering if maybe Seifer had read his mind or picked up on the fact that he wanted to see his father by himself.

"Nahh, you're a big boy now! You don't need me to hold your little hand. Besides, it's a nice day out today and I don't want to be cooped up inside. You go on and visit, I will be alright."

Squall quirked an eyebrow but didn't argue. He watched as the car sped away towards the shopping district. Either he was very perceptive or Squall was just paranoid. Who knows? Maybe it was both.

Seifer walked around enjoying the atmosphere. Glad for once that things weren't looking as dismal as they once had. He was tired of being paranoid and always thinking the worst. For once he was truly happy and it showed. His gait was jaunty and he whistled a little tune while he walked, but stopped when he realized that it was Waltz to the Moon. Squall really hated that song and would flip off the radio whenever it would be played. He would probably kill him if he caught him whistling it. The thought made him grin and snicker. _'Just one more thing to annoy him with.'_ He shrugged his shoulders and began whistling once more.

As he walked along, something caught his eye that immediately brought Squall to mind. It was the bed that Squall had been admiring the last time they were here. A slow smile spread across Seifer's face. What would say permanency better than getting rid of those two single beds? Without another thought Seifer went inside to inquire about the price. Squall didn't know it but Seifer still had quite a bit of money from the war. He didn't like to use it because it reminded him of what he had become, but if he could use it to make someone happy, then it didn't matter what price he paid.

"What do you mean Five hundred thousand? It's a bed for Hyne's Sake! Who in their right mind would pay that kind of money for bed?"

Okay, money did have its value to Seifer, but apparently he was stark raving mad because he found himself shelling out the cash, shaking his head and muttering the whole time.

"Just have it delivered to docking bay 14 within the hour!"

He stalked out of the shop and headed back to where he had left the car and driver. He was still muttering under his breath when he arrived at the Palace. He was a bit surprised to find Squall and Laguna outside, apparently waiting on him to get back.

"Hey, I thought you would be a bit longer with your Dad," he said getting out of the car.

Laguna stepped up and shook his hand warmly, "Well actually we were waiting on you to get back so that we could go to lunch. That is if you don't mind being seen in my company."

"I don't have a problem with it, but it would be my company I would be more worried about you being seen with."

"Nonsense, what happened wasn't your fault, now with that out of the way, lets go, I'm starving. That crap that Kiros is always feeding me can in no way be described as food."

After lunch, Seifer and Squall returned to the Ragnarok in Laguna's company. Seifer was having a good time listening to Laguna tell some of his war stories, when he spotted the deliverymen.

'_Fucking hell! You tell them within the hour and what do they do? Wait, that's what they do.'_

"Are you expecting a delivery Seifer?" Squall asked seeming a bit confused.

Seifer had no choice; he didn't want to lie about it. "Yeah, just something I picked up when I was out earlier."

Both Squall and Laguna raised an eyebrow, but neither said anything.

"Okay mister, we got your bed loaded up. Sorry it took so long, normally we don't get orders going to the hangers and we kind of got lost."

Seifer wanted to kill him for ruining his surprise, Squall's eyes however went very wide and a blush as deep as blood rose to his cheeks as he quickly ducked his head. Laguna raised the other eyebrow and just looked at Seifer and Squall.

"Uhh, nope, none of my business. I will see you later son, I have to get back before Kiros has Ward send out the army to find me."

He pulled Squall into a tight embrace and shook Seifer's hand then headed for the car. He turned as the driver was opening the door.

"You two don't have too much fun, you hear?" he chuckled before getting in the car.

Seifer wanted to kill, and Squall wanted to die. This was not how he wanted his father to find out that Seifer was his lover. He looked up at Seifer and could see murder written all over his face, and that strangely enough made him feel better.

Seifer looked down apologetically at Squall, "I'm sorry, they were supposed to be here and gone before we got here."

"It's alright Seifer, he would have figured it out sooner or later, if he hadn't already. He didn't seem at all surprised by it, so I can safely assume that he does know and doesn't really care. So no harm done, lets just get out of here before something else happens."

**(End Chapter 17)**


	18. One Body, Two Minds

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 18**

**One Body, Two Minds**

Edea held the letter in shaking hands. She couldn't help but feel that she was to blame for all of this. Squall had been right; it was a paradox, one that she couldn't escape. But there were things that Squall hadn't guessed; things that would make him have nightmares for eternity if he knew.

While yes she had received her powers of magic, she had not received the one thing that would make her a true Sorceress. She had not received Ultimecia's soul. She had already given that to someone else so that she could control him. She had given it to Seifer. What she couldn't understand was why would such a thing affect Squall? How could he be witnessing these things? His description of his nightmare while short was an accurate portrayal of what would happen should the barrier break down between the darkness and the light. Then there was Griever, what he had said about him being the key.

_'Wait…no that couldn't be it…that is too bizarre to even consider… Or is it? A knight must serve his Sorceress; it is an awful compulsion once his pledge has been given. So why was it that Squall was able to let Rinoa leave? Unless he hadn't truly given his pledge to her, that would have been the only way. Then where does Seifer fit into all of this? This just isn't making sense, unless you add in what I am considering. If it were true then a lot of things would be explained. What if Seifer had a knight of his own? But that is just ridiculous...knights don't have knights...but then again knights usually don't hold a sorceresses soul either. What if by giving Seifer her soul as a means to control him, Ultimecia gave him the right to have a knight of his own? It would make sense, in a very twisted way.'_

Suddenly waves of dizziness crashed down on her, making her grab the edge of the table, but it was to no avail. The darkness started to envelope her, a single silver tear tracked down her cheek. There would be no saving Seifer.

_'Please, Seifer if you can hear me, run! Don't look back, don't come to me, and don't listen to my call! She will hurt us both. I am terribly sorry for all that has happened, and I love you I really do.'_

Her last coherent thoughts were swept away like cobwebs, and she crumpled to the floor. She felt herself spiral downward into the waiting darkness, but there was nothing pleasant or likable about it. The only thing it offered was death, and she couldn't stop it no matter how hard she tried.

After a few moments, she picked herself up off the floor and stretched. A wicked smile played upon her lips and with a soft chuckle, she picked up the letter. Sweeping herself through the room, she sat down on the well-worn leather couch and began to read.

She tapped her index finger against her chin as she thought. This was certainly proving to be a bit more difficult that she had originally thought it would be. Of course she was also counting on the help of Squall too, but then Seifer had to go and ruin everything by coming here for him first. If Squall had been here, it would have been a simple matter of asking him where Seifer was hiding. That boy always had an uncanny knack for knowing where to find Seifer. That is, only if he had the proper motivation to do so. He never did anything without the proper motivation. He was as predictable as the changing of the seasons. No, that one wouldn't be a problem; it would be Seifer himself that would be the problem. Always fighting, never stopping for an instant, it was as if he had an inexhaustible supply of energy and will. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to break him down far enough to take his own life. She almost had him once, while he was swimming. It was almost perfect, he had wanted it, she didn't know why but for a few minutes he was allowing the darkness to take him. She could almost feel her soul returning to her, but then something happened. Something had ripped him away, and she had been furious.

_Well, soon enough things will change._

Edea caught movement out of the corner of her eye, she turned to look and smiled softly when she saw the little demon perched upon the back of Cid's chair.

_"Do not be in such a hurry little one, soon very soon my powers will be complete and we will be able to break down those barriers, but you must be patient. If things go well then..."_

"Darling? Is everything all right? Edea?"

Cid waved his hand if front of Edea's face, and when that didn't work he snapped his fingers in quick succession somewhere near her nose.

"H-huh? Oh, Cid, I'm sorry. I must have dozed off. I'm terribly sorry."

_'Since when do you doze off with your eyes open?_

"That's alright my dear, I was only wondering if you would join me for dinner? Quistis has invited us and says that she might have a way to find Squall and Seifer, but she wants our approval on it before she proceeds."

Edea smiled softly, "Of course I will join you. I am most interested to hear what our esteemed Quistis has come up with."

"Then, let's go. We wouldn't want to keep her waiting." He offered his arm to her and as she slipped hers through it, he had to quell a shudder.

_'What the hell? She's as cold as ice and doesn't even seem to notice.'_

As she stood, the letter fluttered to the ground. Edea cocked her head curiously, and then bent to retrieve it.

_'Ah, yes of course, I had been reading Squall's letter. I must have been reading it when I dozed off. Well, I will finish it after dinner, and give him a reply. I hope he and Seifer are all right. They both are such good boys. I wish I could do more to help them though, they both seem to have a lot on their shoulders, and I just can't seem to shake the feeling that Seifer is in more trouble than Squall knows.'_

Somewhere in the back of Edea's mind, she could feel the cold creeping of the darkness and the even darker presence that presided there. If only she were stronger, she would be able to control that dark presence. But she knew that she was nowhere near as strong as she would have to be. The nagging feeling that she had once again, forgotten something important needled her. Frustration rolled through Edea, but she maintained that outer calm that she was good at. Cid must not know that she suspected she was under the influence of a rogue GF. He would worry needlessly and that would affect his job performance. And right now with Squall gone, he had enough on his plate.

A wave of worry for Seifer rose unbidden to her mind. She wondered briefly if the rogue GF had something to do with that. It seemed that as of late, that thoughts of Seifer had dominated her every waking moment since the end of the war, but she would have to pursue that line of thought later as they were now at Quistis' door.

Quistis put the finishing touches on dinner just as Cid and Edea knocked on her door. Smiling she opened the door and welcomed them inside. Having the Commander's quarters were a tremendous asset when trying to entertain guests. At least these quarters were more like an apartment than a dorm room. Thank Hyne for small favors.

They made small talk through dinner, discussing simple matters about Garden, as they ate. When Cid finally pushed away his plate, Quistis stacked the plates and sat them on the unused side of the table.

"Well I guess it's time to discuss what I have found. The reason I wanted your approval on this Headmaster is because it's a little sneaky and underhanded. Not something that Garden is in the habit of doing."

Cid nodded his understanding and waved his hand for her to continue.

"I have been studying Estharian aircraft designs and the way that they run their air traffic control, and I have discovered how they track incoming and outgoing traffic. Not only track it but be able to tell exactly what ship it is, right down to the serial numbers."

"Remember when I said that wherever Squall and Seifer are, they have the Ragnarok? Well, Laguna inadvertently gave me exactly what I needed to find them. You see it is a simple matter of reconfiguring Garden's communications array into a receiver. Then we will be able to track down the Ragnarok through its transponder signal. It will lead us right to them."

Cid had to marvel at Quistis's ingenuity, he himself would have never have thought of that, which is why he made her Commander in the first place. Squall would have been better, but Quistis was doing just fine. Although he had to admit that she was right, it was sneaky and underhanded, but since Edea felt that Seifer was in danger, shouldn't they do all that they could in order to find and warn them?

"Let me think it over, Quistis. This isn't something that I should just flippantly allow you to do. Let me talk to Laguna first and tell him the situation. If I can gain his cooperation, all this underhanded business may not be necessary."

"Of course Sir, that would be the better decision. I did not have all the facts when I went to talk to him, just a suspicion that turned out to be a wrong guess. Yes, see if you can talk him into telling you what he knows. He's a good man, and I am sure once he has all the information, he will be more than willing to help us out."

"Thank you for dinner Quistis, we should do this more often."

"Yes sir, we should, let me see you both out."

**(End Chapter 18)**

**A/N:** This is a revised version to try and help with the confusion that the original caused. I hope my additions help you to understand that Edea isn't really herself, nor does she have any control over what is happening to her.


	19. Arrivals and Departures

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 19**

**Arrivals and Departures**

They had finished the walls, and were back on the roof. Every once in a while Squall would throw a nail at Seifer when his back was turned, only to look incredibly busy when his lover glanced up at him. Seifer was determined to catch him at it and when he did, there would be hell to pay. He turned his back to Squall and went on hammering the plywood in place.

Unexpectedly, he turned around and caught the nail as it sailed in his direction. Squall grinned at him.

"Busted?" he asked, putting up his hands in mock surrender.

"Busted!" Seifer growled as he launched himself at Squall, knocking him down and tickling him until he howled.

The midday sun was high overhead, but there was bitterness in the air that spoke of winter soon. However, with the physical labor that they were doing, such a chill felt good against their perspiring skin, even without their shirts.

Squall begged for mercy and was rewarded with a kiss, heading for the ladder as soon as Seifer helped him up.

"I'm going to go make lunch, want to help?"

"Yeah, just let me get the tools put away, looks like we might have to grab the tarps," Seifer said as he looked out to sea, "there's a nasty little bitch of a squall brewing out there, I can feel it."

Squall raised an eyebrow, "I'm neither nasty nor do I do any brewing!"

"Ahh…but you will admit the bitch part?" Seifer smirked at him and ducked as a hammer flew in the direction of his head. "Yup, no doubt about it, a bitch you are!"

"Only for you, the rest of the world can kiss my ass."

Seifer laughed as Squall descended the ladder, then began putting the tools away as the other brought up the tarps. Together they spread the blue sheeting over the roof and nailed it into place. When that was done they both went in to make lunch.

Washing his hands in the sink, Seifer was again grateful that they had finally worked out what was wrong with the plumbing. That had been an adventure, one that he wasn't likely to forget anytime soon, seeing as how he now had a lovely scar on his hand from where Squall had stuck a screwdriver through it.

"Stop thinking about it Seifer, I didn't mean to do it! It was dark under there, how was I supposed to know that you were just playing with me and that you really weren't a giant rat?"

"Hyne Squall, I don't know, did you see any giant rats?"

"Well it was your fault for telling me they were there!"

"Do you always believe everything I say?"

"Only when it comes to giant rats." Squall shuddered at the thought, and twitched his way to the refrigerator to get the milk out, while Seifer laughed at him.

As he was cooking Seifer came up and held him from behind, leaning his chin on his shoulder as he gently rocked him back and forth. Squall sighed, turning to kiss Seifer's lips.

"This will be ready in a minute, go set the table."

Seifer did as he was instructed but as he took the plates out of the cabinet, it was as if day turned to night. The house shuddered under some invisible force and Seifer ran to the window. What he saw did not amuse him in any way. He heard Squall call from the kitchen,

"What the hell is it?"

Seifer scowled and his lip curled into a sneer as he said, "It's Garden!"

Squall joined him at the window, and hung his head; he was going to commit patricide! Never in his wildest dreams did he believe that Laguna would betray his hard earned trust, but the proof sat right outside the window.

"I'm going kill him Seifer. I'm going walk right up and shove Lion Heart so far through him that my hand comes out the other side!"

"I think I'll join you in that, it's been awhile since Hyperion tasted blood! Quick, lock the doors, maybe if we say we are hermits they'll go away!"

"Seifer don't be stupid, what would a couple of hermits be doing with the Ragnarok, huh?"

"You're right they'll never believe it. Damn it, why can't they just go away?"

"Well, wishing isn't going to make that happen, I guess we don't have a choice but to play hosts, maybe if we are sickeningly sweet, they will get the hint."

"That's doubtful, oh look there's Quistis, I bet this was all her idea. You know, I think she had a thing for you."

"You'd be thinking right. Listen, lets just play nice and hope that will satisfy their curiosity…barring that, we _could_ always take off in the Ragnarok…"

"That's your plan?"

"Got anything better?"

"Why wait? Lets go now!"

But a knock on the front door made them both hang their heads. They were trapped like rats. There was no escape, only one thing left to do now.

Squall opened the door, suddenly remembering that he was naked from the waist up, but it was too late to do something about that. The chill wind that blew in made his nipples harden and goose flesh to raise up on his arms, and all Quistis could do was stare in absolute amazement.

"Squall?" she asked not quite believing what she was seeing. His hair had gotten much longer and he had a tan that wouldn't quit…it looked as if it went straight down under his jeans, not to mention the fact that he had his shirt off and the sight of his bare chest made her feel quite faint.

Zell and Selphie weren't much better off; mouths hanging open and eyes wide. Selphie licked her lips and fanned her face. "Wow Squall, if it was possible you got even more handsome!"

Zell smiled at Selphie, "Nahh, not more handsome, just more naked!" he said and winked at her.

The only one that didn't seem fazed by his appearance was Irvine, who leaned against one of the restored pillars with his hat low on his forehead, seeming engrossed with looking at the Ragnarok. Squall spotted a potential ally in him. He looked like he didn't want to be here at all.

Re-focusing his attention on the unwelcome visitors, Squall nodded and then stepped away from the door, leaving it open so that they could come inside.

Once inside he shut the door and looked around for Seifer, but, as usual, he had disappeared somewhere. While the others looked around at the restorations that had been completed, Squall went to go look for Seifer. It'd be a cold day in hell before he'd face this mob alone!

As he came into the kitchen he spotted Seifer on the patio, smoking. He had put on a button up shirt but it hung open and unbuttoned to flap gently in the breeze. Squall was glad he had thought of that, he didn't want to have to explain the tattoo of Griever on Seifer's shoulder blade. His eyes caught Seifer's through the sliding glass door, and he stepped out onto the patio. Slipping on the dark blue button up shirt that was handed to him, Squall suddenly remembered that the bedroom door was open. He didn't want to explain why there was only the one big bed anymore than he wanted to explain Griever. So, rolling up his sleeves he ducked back in to shut and lock the door.

As he turned around he saw Irvine watching him as he leaned against the wall, one foot braced against it, a half smile on his face. He cocked back his hat and pushed himself away from the wall to step out onto the patio. Had he seen? Or had he guessed why he was locking the door. Squall had to know so he followed him outside.

Irvine didn't want to be here, he had attempted to talk Quistis out of it, but, as usual, she hadn't listened to him. He'd tried to tell her that if the truants wanted company they would have invited them, having himself always found uninvited guests annoying and rude. Irvine was just sorry that he was now one of them.

Besides, there was something strange going on here. He could feel it in the air, a sort of charged undercurrent that lay just beneath the surface. It could be hostility, he supposed, but that wasn't quite right…he'd just have to wait and see what else happened that might clarify it.

Leaning casually on the wall, he watched as Squall locked what he assumed was a bedroom door. Yet, not really knowing the lay out of the house now, Irvine assume that he didn't want his privacy disturbed – which was fine with him – he only wanted some fresh air anyway, and one of Seifer's cigarettes. So he stepped outside.

Bumming a cigarette from his gracious host, Irvine lit it, but, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts, he headed a short way down the beach path, until he found a nice big rock to sit on.

Squall came out just after Irvine had left down the path. He hastily glanced inside to make sure the others were busy and he stepped close to Seifer, "You left me to deal with them alone! How could you do that to me?"

"You won't let me smoke in the house remember?" he said smiling a little.

Squall looked down, he didn't know what they wanted from him. He had said in the letter to Quistis that he would consider coming back, but had he really done that? Had he really sat down and thought about what the consequences would be for him and Seifer if he returned? The answer was no, he'd been far too busy with the house and with Seifer to think about that.

Seifer put a finger under his chin and lifted Squall's face to his. He could see the blue in his eyes hiding just behind the gray and he smiled. "Stop thinking so much, it'll kill you! Nothing you can say or do will make them leave until they are ready to go, so just stop will you? I hate to see you like this."

When they heard Irvine coming back up the path, Seifer let his hand drop and stepped back a step from Squall. It wasn't fair that they had to hide and Squall could read that in his eyes, but he and Seifer both knew that they had to keep their secret, if to do nothing else but protect it. It was something special. Something not meant for the outside world.

Irvine walked past them back into the house, though neither of them saw the look of surprise on his face. His eyes had taken in the scene rather quickly and the knowledge that they were lovers surprised him. That was what he had been feeling, not hostility but a blatant sexual tension that came from the two of them permeating the air. He hadn't thought of it before – not because they were guys, but because they were who they were. Though he was hardly a stranger to it himself, he'd been around the block a few times, waking up from many a drunken stupor to find that he had been with another guy. Their relationship didn't bother him; it was the others that they had to worry about.

Irvine decided to try and help them out. If this was what had turned Squall into the incredibly hot guy that answered the door, then he was envious of Seifer. All of them had tried to reach out to Squall at some point, in their own way, but none of them had even scratched the surface. It wasn't hard to figure out that Squall had changed; just difficult to figure out _how _he'd done so. The differences weren't just physical, although Irvine had to admit that Squall had definitely filled out in that department, it was more of a shift in the way that he carried himself. Love tends to do that to a person, he supposed. Though the question now was how long it would take the others before they too deduced the reason for Squall's change.

They'd all gathered out on the patio after about an hour of looking around and reminiscing. Quistis had raised an eyebrow when Squall asked Seifer to get some more of the folding chairs from the Ragnarok and he did as he was asked. She decided to take the opportunity to ask about him, in his absence. "He certainly has changed, before he wouldn't have bothered. What did you do, and how did you do it?"

Squall shrugged his shoulders, not wanting to discuss Seifer with her, or anyone else for that matter. It was none of their business.

They stood around in uncomfortable silence until Selphie spoke up, desperate to ease the tension that was thick in the air, "Hey, did Quistis tell you that she has taken over your position as Commander until you come back? We think she's doing a great job, but she sure isn't you!"

Squall shrugged again, and wondered if Seifer was trying to figure out how to fly the Rok out of here. The thought of Seifer at the helm, scratching his head and freaking out when he pushed the wrong button, made him smile. Well, at least one of them would escape this nightmare…

Just then Seifer wandered back in, folding chairs in hand, and gave Squall a puzzled look when the other snickered softly behind his hand. Clearing his throat, he took one of the chairs and sat down near the tub.

Zell had been checking it out and accidentally turned it on. Water sprayed into the tub and he jumped back, "Whoa! Hey, uhh sorry, didn't mean to do that!"

Squall sighed, got up and turned it off, giving Zell a perturbed look.

Again they sat in silence, each not knowing what to say, and it wasn't until Cid and Edea showed up that the air began to clear. Squall was actually glad to see her, maybe now he could get some answers without having to wait for a return letter. He stood up and started to walk towards her but she continued merely to stare through him, her attention focused entirely on Seifer.

Squall had a good view of Seifer's face whereas the others did not, and he could see that his lover was afraid. He wanted to hold him, so badly that he could taste it, but…this was good for him. Seifer had to get over this fear of the darkness and Edea's presence was a good start…wasn't it?

Calmly, she walked over and put her arms around Seifer, holding him tightly. He stiffened, and gazed at Squall with such a look of anguish that younger man felt his resolve weaken. The memory of the nightmare came back to him._ 'The fallen knight must not fall. You are the Key!'_

Squall, shook his head. It was only a nightmare, and nightmares couldn't hurt people. Yes, the best thing for him to do was just to ignore it, to let Seifer know that he wasn't going anywhere, and to help him relax. Then everything would be fine.

He walked over and put his arms around them both. With Squall's presence and physical contact Seifer quieted, laying his head onto Edea's shoulder. She rocked them both slowly, shushing Seifer until the tears fell and he grabbed onto them both, anchoring himself in the moment. Not knowing what else to do, Squall just let Edea work the magic she had always possessed, not the magic of a sorceress, but that of the mother they all needed.

The others were in shock at what they were seeing, Squall was giving comfort as if he had been doing it all his life, and it was to Seifer that he gave it. His most hated enemy and rival from the start. What the hell had happened to change them so much in the last few months?

Understanding the situation, Cid motioned the others back to Garden, allowing the two some time with Edea. They followed obediently, but without any notion of what was happening, except for Irvine. He was the last to go, standing at the sliding glass door for a moment, just to watch them, glad that they had found each other in the midst of such chaos. They deserved the peace and comfort that they gave each other, and he wished for a moment that he'd been the one to give it to Squall, but it would have never worked, they were too much alike. Squall needed Seifer's strength of spirit while Seifer needed Squall's strength of character. They were the perfect match, not Squall and Rinoa like everyone thought. That had been a farce from the start, while this…this was love in its truest form; he just wished the others could see it. Perhaps then they would understand and not judge them for loving each other.

He turned to go, but Squall had walked away leaving Seifer to talk to Edea, and spotted Irvine standing at the door. He walked over and Irvine braced himself for a reprimand but instead Squall motioned him over.

"Want to take a walk with me? I think that they need some time alone."

"Sure, I kinda, sorta, wanted to talk to you anyway," he drawled.

"So which is it? Kinda or Sorta?" Squall asked with a grin.

Irvine couldn't believe that he had just made a joke, and was smiling to boot. Boy Seifer sure had changed him. He smiled back and they headed down to path that led to the beach, only to stop at the rock he'd smoked at earlier, each taking a seat on its wide surface.

"How did you know? Was it the bedroom door that gave it away?" Squall asked, not wanting to beat around the bush.

"Nope, try again! Actually what gave it away was the feeling in the air. I couldn't place it at first, but when I actually saw the two of you together, it dawned on me. Sort of an epiphany of insight."

Squall just nodded and looked up into the starry sky, he liked talking to Irvine when the others weren't around, and they had done so on several occasions. He knew more about Irvine than all the others put together, and right now he was showing just why he liked him. He was a pretty insightful guy not to mention the fact that he knew a lot of big words and loved to use them if you knew how to ask the right questions.

"I have to ask you something Squall and I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get into your business, but if you come back to Garden, where does that leave Seifer? I been trying to work it out in my head an I can't seem to find a feasible way for it to be done."

Without realizing it, Irvine had stumbled onto the very question that Squall had been trying to work out himself. Leave it to Irvine to pick up on that.

"I don't really know, Irvine. If I go back Seifer may not come with me and I would be a miserable asshole, even more so than before, but…that isn't what you wanted to talk about is it?"

"Nope, I just had an idea that might make this little visit that Quistis thought up, end a lot sooner."

Squall was suddenly all ears; he turned to face Irvine with such an earnest look that Irvine couldn't help but laugh. "That bad is it? Yeah well, I don't like being here, I feel like I'm a heel, I hate uninvited guests more than anything and I've now become one. It sucks! Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could throw a little party, let 'em see that you ain't dying or gone crazy, and maybe then we can leave you guys in peace. The thing is, it has to be held at the Garden, I don't want none of 'em snooping around and finding something they don't need to be seeing."

Squall could have kissed him at that moment, not only did he understand, he wanted to help out! It was amazing that most people thought of him as just a walking hormone, which he wouldn't deny, but there was more to Irvine then he let people know.

"Well I better get back then if you want to do this thing. I got to get Selphie to think it was her idea, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem, she only hears about half of what I say, an the other half comes out as her ideas!" he laughed and got up to go.

Squall stuck out his hand not only in a gesture of thanks but one of friendship, he wasn't going to keep making the mistake of allowing perceptions to cloud his judgment of people, and what better time to start than now.

Irvine was a little taken aback but shook Squall's hand with both of his own and smiled as big as the moon that hung over head, whistling a tune as he went up the path to the house.

Squall followed behind him, he had to go prepare Seifer who he knew wasn't going to like this one bit. Still, he hoped that, between himself and Edea, they could talk around. It was for Seifer's own benefit, after all.

When he got to the patio he found Irvine looking confused, "What's wrong Irvine?"

"They aren't here Squall, Matron and Seifer are gone!"

"What? Are you sure? Did you see them leave?"

"Yeah just now, they sorta just disappeared right as I was coming up the path there."

Squall was stunned, he felt his knees getting as weak as water and he fell into a chair left near the back of the patio. What the hell was going on? _ 'You know what is happening.' _Why had she taken him? '_You know why she took him.' _ Hell, WHERE had she taken him? _'You know where she took him.'_ His heart raced and his chest felt tight, Squall could feel panic-induced tears welling up in his eyes and he angrily swiped them away.

"I'm going to go tell Cid, you stay right there!" Irvine yelled as he ran through the open door.

It wasn't long before the house was full again as they all came back, trying to comfort a shell-shocked Squall, who just sat holding himself and staring at the spot where he had left Seifer with Edea.

This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't! We were so happy, and then they had to come and fuck everything up! Maybe they won't be gone long; maybe she just took him for a short while…maybe… _'Maybe nothing! You know what has happened and you did nothing to stop it! You promised him you would be there and you LIED! You gave him to her and now nothing can stop the darkness! This is all your doing! Your friends are going to pay the ultimate price for your stupidity! You didn't trust your instincts, and because of that, Seifer is gone!'_

Squall heard the others as they milled around Irvine, firing questions at him like bullets until he had to shout over them to be heard, but it was as if he were hearing them from long distance away. Even Irvine's shouts seemed diminished and as if they were coming from the other end of a long tunnel. Only the wind that blew in from the sea seemed loud in Squall's ears. The wind that brought with it the storm that Seifer had predicted was coming only a little while ago.

It wasn't long before the rain started to fall, making the others squeal and run for cover under the patio. But Squall just sat in the chair, staring into space, trying to tell himself that it was only rain that ran down his face and that he really wasn't crying.

Irvine could tell that Squall's heart was breaking, and he could actually feel the ice that had kept everyone else at bay, starting to re-form itself around Squall. The longer he sat in the rain, the colder his demeanor was becoming. He didn't want that to happen but he didn't want the others to unintentionally hurt him with some random comment about Seifer, so he made the suggestion that they go back to Garden and start coming up with a plan to find Seifer.

Squall could feel the ice attempting to form a protective shell around his heart, and for a moment he wanted to let it happen. Wanted nothing more in the world than to not have to feel anymore. To become the cold, heartless bastard everyone thought he was. But then a warm protective covering came over him, enveloping him and shielding him from the rain. Looking down, he recognized Irvine's trench coat. He felt Irvine's hands as they came down to rest on his shoulders for a moment before gently sliding under his arms to assist him in standing. Irving put his arm around Squall's shoulders and slowly walked him into the house and out of the rain.

**(End Chapter 19)**


	20. The Meeting with Griever

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 20**

**The Meeting With Griever**

Irvine knew that of everything he could do for Squall, the best thing would to keep him talking, keep him in touch with not only humanity, but with reality, too. His defenses were trying to close him off again, and if that happened, Irvine was afraid that, this time, he wouldn't come back. Ellone's leaving had left a wound so deep that Squall had almost not recovered from it. He'd closed himself off; shut out his feelings, and never let anyone get too close. Now, after all that time of not feeling, of being encased in ice, he'd finally let someone in, dared to feel again, and what had happened? Seifer had been taken away.

Irvine felt his own heart break. He really did care what happened to Squall and seeing him hurting so much was tearing him up inside. Troubled, he carefully maneuvered Squall around the house to the living room and placed him onto the couch, his arm still firmly around Squall's shoulders, effectively putting Squall's head near his chest. Irvine thought it a small victory when Squall took the open invitation and laid his head down.

In that moment he decided that no matter what happened he was not leaving this spot. The entire world could erupt into a blazing ball of chaos, and he still would not move. Squall was his friend, and if staying by his side was what it took to help him through this, then that was what he was going to do.

As the sky outside darkened and the rain continued to pour, Irvine felt Squall's body relax into sleep against his chest. He glanced down at the dark hair that had fallen into Squall's face and marveled again at how handsome he was. It had always amazed him that someone so good looking could seem as if he didn't know it.

Gently, Irvine maneuvered himself deeper into the couch so that he could stretch his legs out. It wasn't the most comfortable position in the world and he would've preferred for them to rest on the bed, but didn't dare take Squall into the bedroom. Too many questions would be asked if they were found there. Instead, he'd have to settle for cramped muscles and a sore back. Hyne, the things he did for friendship!

Squall recognized his surroundings. He was back in the D-District Prison Interrogation Room. Only this time, he wasn't chained to the wall. Oddly enough, he felt no fear. The place seemed abandoned and he could hear no sounds of life at all.

But wait…what was that? It sounded like children singing some sort of nursery rhyme…where was it coming from?

Softly, Squall walked to the door leading out into the hallway, straining his ears to catch bits and pieces of what the children were singing.

Raine, Raine, went away,

Darkness came to steal the day,

She left no money, she left no land

But she did leave Griever in his hand.

'_What the hell?'_ wondered Squall, _'Why in the world would they be singing about my mother?' _But no answer was forthcoming. The singing had ended and the hallway was once more as silent as the grave.

Squall hadn't thought about Raine in a long time. He'd visited her grave in Winhill, but that was about it; truly thinking about her was something he didn't really want to do. His mother was dead, and his only option was to mourn her passing, though the fact that it was his birth that had killed her was sometimes too much to bear. He supposed that he could've blamed his father for getting her pregnant and then leaving her alone, but that wouldn't be fair. Laguna had already told him that he didn't know she was pregnant. Had he known, he would've had someone with her.

Because of the GFs, there wasn't much of his childhood that he could recall. They'd inevitably had to replace some of his memories to accommodate themselves, and his childhood memories had been the first to go, as they weren't important to the present. But now, he wondered whether his childhood memories were of more importance than he'd first thought. Why would they sing about his mother? Why would they mention Griever? The song was definitely about him, but just what it was supposed to mean, he didn't know. Maybe if he were to find these children, he could get some of his questions answered…

Curious, he slowly slid into the hallway, careful not to disturb anything or anyone who might be there. But the place had other ideas in mind. As soon as he'd fully entered the hallway, the lights began to dim and the floor began to shake. Somewhere down the hallway, a roar began, one that he recognized immediately as being that of Griever, and the door he'd exited slammed shut with such a violent force that it blew his hair away from his face. Having no other choice, he made his way down the hallway, towards Griever. He didn't want to, but apparently, this place wasn't going to let him go back the way he had come.

Quickly, Squall realized that the closer he got to Griever, the less the floor shook and the brighter the light became. As he neared an intersection between hallways, he observed on the floor, children's toys - a doll here, a toy car there. It must've been where the children had been playing. But, what kind of children would play in such a dismal and dangerous place? _'Dead ones, of course,'_ came the unbidden thought, causing Squall to shudder. He didn't want to think about those dead children, or what they'd been trying to tell him. Right now, he had a meeting with Griever to get to.

He walked forward into the intersection and slowly turned around in a full circle, unsure as to where he was supposed to go next. A light underneath a doorway down the right hand hall beckoned to him, and so he cautiously moved toward it, opening the door. Oddly, inside he found a comfortable-looking library. Overstuffed leather wing back chairs sat before a fireplace in which a fire had been built, and books of all kinds could be seen lining the walls all the way up to the ceiling. Huge wrought iron ladders on rollers gave easy access to the tomes perched on the higher shelves. Squall was so engrossed in looking at just how high up the shelves went that he actually jumped when a slight feminine hand came to perch itself on the arm of one of the chairs that sat before the fireplace. Someone was sitting in that chair, though, just who it was, he couldn't tell, because the chair back was so high.

"Welcome Squall, we have been expecting you. I am glad to see that you made it here in one piece. The children wanted to frighten you, but I see that you are more curious than afraid. That is what I have always liked about you. Please, sit here with me for a little while. There is nothing to fear here, this I promise you, but before you go to see Griever, I want to give you some advice.

Squall didn't know what he should do. The voice was pleasant enough, soft and airy, and it had a melodious quality to it that was very pleasing to listen to, comforting, in fact. He wanted to hear it again, and so he did as the voice asked him to do.

Walking around to take the other chair, he purposely avoided looking at the woman's face. He didn't want the image that he'd built from hearing that voice to be destroyed by coming face to face with a monster. Not yet, anyway. He wasn't ready yet. So instead he sat down in the chair and watched the fire for a few moments, giving the woman the opportunity to speak again, but apparently, she was waiting for him to look at her.

He started slowly at first, glancing at her feet and seeing that they were bare, _'How odd,' _he thought_, 'she really should be wearing something… like slippers.'_ Higher his eyes traveled, to the long white gown that covered her legs. It was either made of some kind of crinkled material, or was really wrinkled he couldn't decide which. Her hands came next into view as they lay in her lap. Nicely shaped fingers and lovely nails that were not painted; each finger was long and slender and he could see a gold ring on her left ring finger, a ring that he almost could place, like he had seen it somewhere before, but couldn't remember where. Higher, he looked, to the neckline of the gown, where he could see a chain around her neck, though the pendant hung underneath the fabric, so he couldn't tell what it was.

Finally, he glanced up at her face, and knew it well. If Ellone hadn't sent him back in time as Laguna, he would only have seen her in the portrait that now hung in Laguna's office, still, deep down, Squall knew for sure that even if he'd never gazed on her likeness before, he would nevertheless recognize his mother.

"Squall, listen to me, I know that I look like your mother, but I am not. We chose this form because we knew that you would listen. You hold such a special place in your heart for her that I could almost become jealous."

Squall didn't know how to respond to this revelation. _'So, this is just a form they chose to use, a means by which they knew they'd get me to listen? …Fine, I'm listening, but I don't like this at all.' _

"You must find out Squall, find out what they don't want you to know. Find out about Hyne and why he was lost to the people. Find out how the Darkness came to be in the first place. How the Sorceresses stole Hyne's power and made it their own. Your journey has only just begun, my little Ice Prince, and you are going to discover that the world you thought you knew is not what you believe it to be. Listen closely to your dreams, for they will be the only way that we may communicate with you. You must be careful in whom you trust; the Darkness has many agents who would use whatever means necessary to stop you from doing what you must. They may not even be aware that they are being used, which makes it twice as dangerous for you. Still, you are the key in which all our hopes and dreams have been placed. Without you, we cannot hope to regain what was lost to us…"

Squall nodded, but didn't fully understand what had just been said. The only thing that he cared about was getting Seifer back, and if he had to help "them" to do it, then he would.

"Now go. Listen to Griever, for he will tell you more. Do not fear him; he may be gruff and loud, but he has things of great importance to tell you, some of which I have already revealed. He will not be pleased with my actions, but I could not allow you go to that meeting without some idea of what to expect. I know that you hate things being thrust upon you, my Ice Prince, but, we need you."

Squall nodded again and stood to leave. As he passed her chair, the woman reached out and grabbed his arm, causing him to shiver violently as a shocking wave of cold washed over him. His arm felt numb where she clutched him, and the closer she drew him to her, the colder he became. Swiftly, she pulled him down to whisper in his ear, her breath like the bitterest breeze that winter could dream of.

"Do not forget me, my Ice Prince, for I have never forgotten you. Let my ice heal up your wounds but do not let it freeze your heart, for you are going to need it for what lies ahead. You go to face your lover as you have never seen him, and when the time comes, you must not hesitate to strike. It will be his redemption, this I promise you. Just trust me, my love, I would never lie to you or forsake you."

Although Squall struggled to grasp the true implications of her words, he knew now to whom he spoke. He hadn't junctioned in a very long time, not since defeating Ultimecia and returning to Garden, when he'd placed her along with all the others inside the GF holding facility at Garden. She was Shiva and she had been his favorite.

Nodding at Shiva, he turned and quickly exited the library. Desperate for answers, he had a meeting with Griever to get to. Shiva's words had been cryptic, but she did say to listen to his dreams because that was the only way they could communicate with him. Still, he wondered. What would have happened had he been junctioned to Shiva? Would Edea have been able to take Seifer if he had them junctioned? Hadn't Seifer said that the GFs were from the same place that the Sorceresses were from?

Squall sighed. So many questions, so few answers. Lost in his internal monologue, he didn't realize that he'd stopped moving down the hallway until the floor began to rock violently, and the walls shook with Griever's fury.

Frustrated, Squall creased his brow in a frown. "I'm coming!" he yelled.

He shook his head and began moving again, cursing the GFs and their demands.

The hallway ended abruptly at a wide, circular room with a ceiling so high that it was lost in shadows. The thought of all the darkness up on the ceiling disturbed him, but, still, he pressed forward into the room. Upon reaching the middle, a bright light shone down from the ceiling, spotlighting and blinding him simultaneously. Throwing up his hand to shield his eyes, he reflexively searched his side for Lionheart's grip. When it became obvious that he didn't have it with him, he began to worry. _'A trap? How stupid of me! I should never have let my guard down…' _

"CALM YOURSELF, HUMAN, YOU ARE IN NO DANGER HERE," boomed Griever's voice. It echoed off the far walls, loud enough to make Squall cover his ears.

The heavy shuffling of something moving closer towards him intensified his concern. He remembered that sound. It was the sound that Griever's fur had made just before he'd struck against them.

Instinct made him crouch low to the floor to present the smallest target possible. Without a weapon, his only other choice was to evade. He had no offensive magic, or even defensive magic, for that matter. Two heal spells left and that was the end of it. '_Hyne! Why can't I be in control of this dream? Why can't I call…'_

"Easy, my Ice Prince. I told you that you were safe here. Do you not trust my judgment?"

The cool, clear voice of Shiva washed over his thoughts, and he instinctively reached out for and found her junction. He didn't question how she had gotten there, or even how she had managed to junction herself to him without his knowledge, instead, he just concentrated and brought her to the forefront of his thoughts. He wouldn't be caught unprepared again.

Shiva's cool laughter soothed the hot flashes of anger within his mind, and allowed the calm, composed exterior that he was so famous for to shine through, just as Griever made his appearance within the circle of light.

Squall looked him over from head to foot. This was his talisman, his sign. The one who had always been with him from as far back as he could remember. The ring, the necklace, the etching on Lionheart and its case, even the tattoo on Seifer's shoulder, Griever had been there his whole life, but had never been real, never tangible, until the fight with Ultimecia. Until that moment, he'd always wondered about Griever's existence, but had never found any proof.

Griever eyed Squall with just as much scrutiny, finally breaking the standoff with his low, growling laughter. "So this is the human that defeated me. I must congratulate you on your victory; I wasn't able to do so before, and I know that the battle was a hard one. But you triumphed, and I hold no grudge."

It took Squall a moment to realize that Griever was speaking mentally to him and not aloud. Being a welcome reprieve from the GF's near-deafening voice, he chose not to argue.

"You don't hold a grudge? Good. Then tell me why I'm here. I don't want to remember my fight with Ultimecia anymore than I have to, and your being here is worrying." Squall sounded more confident than he felt, probably due to Shiva's presence, nevertheless, he really did want to get the meeting done and over with. Being in Griever's company without a weapon or his friends to back him up was frightening, even though he didn't show it.

Griever laughed again, a deep roaring sound that would've made even the strongest of men feel faint. "Well said, little one, and I see that Shiva has chosen to junction with you. I really don't need her here, but, as she tells me that it makes you feel better, I shall let her remain with you."

Becoming stern, Griever continued, "We have much to discuss and not a whole lot of time to do it in. So I must ask that you listen and remember for now."

Squall nodded his head slightly, showing his attention and agreement.

"Good. Now, Shiva has no doubt told you things that I didn't want you to know just yet. I should punish her for it, but I can't say that I blame her. I, too, have watched over you since you were small, and you are my favorite among the humans, as you are Shiva's. She no doubt wanted to give you some forewarning on what we were going to discuss, and, perhaps, the courage to see this journey through."

Griever frowned. "I can't give you all the answers you need, human. In fact, all that I can do is give you the right questions. We cannot interfere; the Sorceresses will not allow such. They've imprisoned us for so long that some of us have forgotten what it was like to be free. But here, in dreams, we can communicate with you, though we dare not say too much, otherwise, we will lose this place to the Sorceresses as well, and then we would be of no use at all."

Squall raised an eyebrow. "No use at all? Do you mean that you wouldn't be able to be summoned?"

"You are quick, human, I made a good choice in you. But, yes, you're correct, the human race would no longer be able to summon us, and the world would eventually forget about our existence. We'd belong to the Sorceresses completely, then, and there would be no saving us. They would have full dominion, and us no choice but to do their bidding."

Squall shuddered, recalling his horrible dream in which the GFs seemed to have gone mad, attacking Garden, with Edea close behind, soaking up the Darkness and smiling. If what he'd been shown was what could occur if he didn't help, he felt a little better knowing that it was only a possibility and not a certainty. There was still a chance for him to put a stop to all this madness. That the world was once again up to him to save didn't matter much at this point, there was only one person he was truly interested in saving, and if by doing so, he managed to again protect others, so be it.

Griever nodded his head as he Squall made the appropriate connections between what he was being told and what he already knew.

"There is so much left to discover, human, and you are the key element on whom we must rely. When you return to your world, you must first seek out the knowledge of Hyne, and what happened to him. But, be warned, there are those who would try to stop you on this quest; some will be aware of what they are doing, others will not. In either case, I suggest you avoid them at all costs, even if it means not sharing your knowledge with those whom you consider your friends, for, inadvertently, they may cost us everything by mentioning the wrong thing to the wrong person. Remember, though, that just as there are agents of the darkness, there are also those who would help you along in your journey, but you must choose carefully or all will be lost."

Solemn, Griever paused. "Go, now, and look for understanding of Hyne, seek out that which they do not wish you to know. When you are ready, I shall come to you again so that we can begin the next step. Be careful, human, more is at stake here than just your lover's life, for all of this world rests squarely on your shoulders."

'_No pressure, then,'_ thought Squall, sighing at the task ahead of him. But this wasn't the time to be cynical; he had to do what Griever asked him to do. Seifer's life depended on it.

**(End Chapter 20)**

**A/N:** Many thanks to AvatarInfidel to whom I owe a great deal for doing the Beta work that this story requires. Believe me people, she does a vast amount of work for me and all for free. Finding a good Beta these days is a hard commodity. So, if you happen to find one, keep them happy! Remember, they do this out of the kindness of their hearts and donate their time to make your work the best that it can be.

Zen


	21. Looking for Clues

**In Search of Redemption**

**Chapter 21**

**Looking for Clues**

Squall woke with a start, and for a moment was confused over the fact that he was being held. For a couple of minutes he laid where he was, taking comfort in the arms that held him so protectively, but as he became more awake, he realized that these arms were not Seifer's, and the body that he lying on top of was definitely not his, too long, too lean, too Galbadian.

He sighed and sat up. He didn't really want to face the day, but if the dream he had about Griever had any truth to it at all, he had better get started trying to figure out where to start. He glanced at the sleeping cowboy, and carefully unwound himself from his sleeping form. He didn't want to wake him, and have him start asking the inevitable questions, like, are you all right, did you sleep okay, or better yet, did you lose your mind while you were sleeping?

'_Hyne I must be crazy. Who follows orders they get in their dreams? Crazy people, that's whom.'_ He sighed again and got up from the couch, meandering his way to the bathroom.

After using the facilities, he wandered into the kitchen and began making coffee. He had to stop, halfway through pouring the water, because he was hit again suddenly by the fact that Seifer was gone. He wouldn't be wandering into the kitchen, sleepy eyed and grouchy looking for a cup of coffee. He wouldn't ask what was for breakfast, and there would be no more work done on the roof.

He gripped the counter hard and squeezed his eyes tightly in an effort to still the sudden anger he felt towards the world. He was about to throw the coffee pot when Shiva's cool presence made itself known. Her icy touch worked its magic to soothe away the anger and seal up his wounded spirit. When she had finished, she retreated to the depths of his mind and Squall was left there, coffee pot still held in his hand, and his head cocked to the side as if listening to something very far away. For quite some time he didn't move as if he were frozen.

His thoughts were racing, each trying to make their point heard. What had just happened was undeniable, Shiva was there, she was junctioned, but he hadn't junctioned her since the war. How had she done it? Were all GF's capable of this? Had he somehow called her from Garden's GF holding facility while he was sleeping? And probably most important of all, did her presence within his mind mean that the dream had been real, that he had really gotten a mission from Griever to find out what happened to Hyne and what his disappearance had to do with the Sorceresses, the Darkness and finding Seifer.

Irvine stood still, leaning against the doorframe watching Squall, the running of the water in the kitchen sink had woke him up and he had been about to greet Squall when he had suddenly turned from the sink and then froze. It was bizarre watching this scene. Irvine wasn't sure if he should interrupt it or not. He had definitely been angry when he had turned around, that much he was certain of, but then it was as if someone had thrown a switch and his face had gone completely blank. He had never seen Squall behave this way before and it was more than just a little concerning.

Squall slowly came back to himself and turned back to the coffee pot. There was one way to know if Shiva had junctioned to him, and that was to go to Garden's holding facility and see if she was there. With a clear course of action laid out before him, he could now concentrate on what he was doing.

Irvine cleared his throat to announce his presence, and then came into the kitchen. He was concerned for Squall, but didn't know what to do about it. The fact that he was acting strangely could be chalked up to the fact that he was in a state of shock, but normally people just slept a lot or ate more than usual. He shook his head slightly.

'_What do I know about stress? I know the kind of pressure that a sharp shooter feels, but what about true stress? I have seen him under all kinds of pressure and he has never acted like this. Well, to the best of my knowledge he hasn't. But is battle stress really the same thing? He just lost someone he loved, and we all know what happened the last time someone he loved left. He withdrew and became antisocial, and that was just for his sister. What kind of behavior is he going to exhibit now that he has lost a lover? Maybe I am reading more into it than there really is. He's probably just tired and waiting for the inevitable arrival of the gang.'_

Irvine turned around and nearly bowled Squall over. He narrowly missed being splashed with scalding hot coffee.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to try and run you over," he drawled.

Squall shook his head and just handed him the second cup he was carrying. "Don't worry about it. Listen, I am going to go change clothes and head over to Garden. There are a few things that I have to check out."

Irvine didn't know what to say. Did he really just say he was going back to Garden? Voluntarily? Okay, now that really was strange_. 'Oh come on Irvine, why are you trying so damn hard to read more into his actions than there really is? He is probably going to find out what they are doing to find Seifer.' _

Squall had to steel himself before entering the bedroom. In such a short time, there were so many memories already here in this place, and he didn't know if he could keep from being overwhelmed with them. He mentally called upon Shiva to shield him from his feelings. Hoping that it would be enough, he took a deep breath and opened the door. Immediately he was assaulted with images of Seifer. The smell of his cologne was heavy in the air and there were the pajama bottoms he had so carelessly tossed onto the chair early yesterday morning. The bed was still unmade because it had been Seifer's turn. Squall had to resist the urge to just climb into that bed, wrap himself up in the scent of Seifer, and forget the world. He had a job to do and if he wanted to get Seifer back he was just going to have to suck it up and pretend for a little while that what had happened here was an impossible dream.

He clenched his fists tight until he could feel his fingernails digging painfully into his palms. The pain served to bring back clarity and he relished it. Quickly he dragged his leathers out of the closet and tossed them onto the bed. It had been so long since he had donned them that it felt a little strange to be looking at them. For a moment, he let his fingers caress the butter soft leather of the jacket he loved so much, and then went in search of his t-shirt and belts.

The t-shirt was located easily enough; now his belts were a different story. They were going to be the hardest to find. One he found under the bed, which had been used in one of Seifer's kinky little games he liked to play. He found another one in the closet, being used to lash together a bunch of blankets that wouldn't stop falling off the shelf, obviously Seifer's idea of a quick fix. Two more were located in a box of random items that they hadn't found a place for yet. The rest he found in a drawer in the bathroom, Hyne knows why they were in there, probably Seifer's idea of putting things where you could find them.

He stripped off his clothes and carelessly tossed them onto the same chair that Seifer liked to use for the same purpose, and slid on the leather pants. They felt strange, sort of like sliding into someone else's skin, and for the most part, Squall decided that was exactly what he was doing, sliding on his old skin. If he wanted to get through this, he was going to have to shed the exterior of what he had become and put back on what he had been. The t-shirt was actually a bit tight now. He and Seifer had both had developed quite the physique since starting the work on the house, but he decided he could deal with it. He strapped on his belts one by one, and then bent to pull on his boots. He stood up and moved experimentally in the leather. It was a bit tight, but nothing that he couldn't get used to. Besides, once warmed to his body temperature, it would mold itself around the new form.

Sighing, he slipped on his jacket and hung Griever around his neck. Examining himself in the mirror, he realized that even though he was wearing the same clothes, it was another matter entirely for him to return to his former self. His skin was tanned now and the new musculature was more than apparent in the leather. He wondered briefly, what the others would think, but then brushed away the thought like an annoying fly. Who cared what they thought of him. The only one that mattered had been taken from him and he was going to do everything in his power to get him back.

When he stepped from the bedroom door, Irvine gave a low whistle. He turned to observe Irvine and was a bit taken back by the look of pure lust on his face. He had never known that Irvine liked guys, he was so into girls that the question had just never came up. But seeing the undisguised interest made Squall blush a deep crimson. He was very new to the concept of guys being with guys and having someone else besides Seifer look at him that way was disconcerting.

"What?" Squall asked, wanting Irvine to snap out of it and stop looking at him like that.

Irvine grinned his most charming grin and made a low bow, sweeping his cowboy hat off in a well-practiced move.

"Nothing," Irvine said straightening. "I am just appreciating the new and improved you. You look great Squall, don't let anyone let you otherwise."

"Whatever…"

The word slipped out of his mouth before he even realized he had said it. It had been what felt like ages since he had even thought the word much less said it. Being around Seifer, it had almost disappeared and to say it now without thinking about it felt strange, but good. Shiva was doing her job well. The Ice Prince was well on his way back.

Walking through the gates of Garden, Squall felt a nearly overwhelming desire to run back to the house and forget going through with this, but Shiva urged him onward, not with words but with a feeling of determination so strong that Squall was nearly bowled over by it. He stopped for a moment to take a deep breath. Irvine who was walking beside him, paused to look back questioningly at him, but he waved him onward.

Irvine didn't really want to leave him behind but did as his former Commander asked him to do. Besides he wanted to tell everyone that Squall was here and for them all not to make a fuss about it. There was going to be enough commotion made by the student body when it got around that Squall had made his reappearance.

Squall closed his eyes for a moment, and could almost see Shiva in all her frozen glory, urging him on. It was enough to bring a ghost of a smile to his lips. He liked Shiva best of all the GF's, not just because her personality closely resembled his own, but because she was truly beautiful to behold in action. He wondered briefly what Shiva truly thought of him and was rewarded with what could only be described as a mental hug. He didn't know what to think of that, Shiva had never done anything like that before which made him wonder if this truly was Shiva.

His determination bolstered, he made his way into the main hallway of Garden. Students everywhere immediately stopped what they were doing to look at him. Most of them saluted, the newer cadets just looked confused and either saluted as well or asked an upperclassman who he was. Squall saluted back, both out of respect and to quell any potential questions of why he did not.

Even a few cadets said "Welcome back Commander." Squall just nodded his head to them, not really knowing what else he should do. He had never been treated like this when he was in charge, before they had simply saluted and then got the hell out of the way. Nearly all of them knew that he had resigned and the hope he saw in the eyes of those cadets was almost too much to bear. He had no idea that they liked him that much, or even missed him. He had always seen himself through his own eyes. He didn't bother looking at what other people saw and seeing the respect and near reverence of these cadets was certainly awe-inspiring. It made him stand a little straighter and walk with a little more confidence. It was nearly enough to make him want to go and ride that elevator straight up to Cid's office and take back his Commander Insignia. But right now, there were more pressing matters to attend to.

He made his way to the GF holding facility and signed in using his old rank out of habit. The door opened and he followed the long corridor to the holding banks. He opened the door that was labeled with his name and ran his finger down the lights. Red for occupied, green for unoccupied. There was only one green light and the name next to it was Shiva.

Once again, he had to stop and wonder just how she did it. The holding facility was guarded against unauthorized access and Shiva would have had to be taken out of the facility in order for her to be junctioned. However, junctioning was a conscious act, one that required the wielder to consciously accept the GF. Just how she junctioned to him without his knowledge or consent was indeed something that needed to be looked into. But for the moment, it was enough to find Shiva gone. That proved that last nights "dream" wasn't just a random thought brought up by his subconscious, as normal dreams are. He truly had conversed with not only Shiva but Griever as well. But why did she choose to take on the form of his mother? Maybe he would never know the answer to that one, unless of course the GF's chose to instigate another meeting. Then he would ask her.

Now with that little mission out of the way, it was time to start looking into the mystery of Hyne and what he has to do with the Sorceresses. Squall decided that the best place to start looking was the library. If they didn't have what he wanted he could use the student terminals to inquire about a subject and find the location of the books he wanted.

He softly closed the door to the holding facility and logged out, nodding to some more cadets making their first trip to the holding facility. Their beleaguered instructor managed a hasty salute before having to run off after his fascinated students.

He moved down through the main hallway to the library. He didn't know exactly where to look, so he went to the counter. The girl with pigtails that Zell liked stood behind the counter trying her best to look as if she wasn't reading a trashy romance novel.

Squall cleared his throat to get her attention and the girl nearly fell out of her seat when she looked up.

"Commander! I, uhh, was, uhm… just trying to figure out where to file this book. Yeah, this book should definitely go on the restricted list." She giggled a little nervously and put the book under the desk. "What can I do for you?"

"I was looking for books that had any mention of Hyne or where the Sorceresses got their power from," he stated as evenly as he could.

The girl looked at him for a moment longer and smiled. Squall wanted to fall through the floor. _'Hyne! Stop looking at me like that! Zell would murder me in my sleep if you suddenly profess that you wanted to be with me!'_

He turned away from her to look at the rest of the library while she typed in the request on the computer.

A moment later, Squall felt her tap his shoulder.

"I have found only two books. Neither of them mentions Hyne, but they are both related to the Sorceresses and their power, and one of them has never been returned to the library. So I guess you are stuck with only one choice." She handed him a slip of paper with the name of the book and where to find it written on it.

'_Never been return…'_ "Uhh, could you tell me who checked out the book that was never returned?" he asked, slipping the paper into his jacket pocket.

"Sure! Lets see now… ahh yes, it was checked out by Seifer Almasy nearly two years ago."

"That's what I thought. Thank you."

"You are welcome! Anytime! If there is anything else I can do for you, just let me know okay? I am usually here or in class, or in my dorm room, which incidentally is room number 46 on D hall."

Squall walked as quickly as he could away from the counter, towards the shelves of books. _'Too many trashy romance novels have gone to that girls brain! Zell had better ask her out quick, otherwise she is going to decide she likes some other guy, and I am not mentioning names here. I think I better tell him that just as soon as I see him.'_

As soon as he was safely ensconced behind several shelves of books, he slipped the paper from his pocket. The title of the book was The Sorceresses, A Compilation of Theory and Fact. _'Please, please be something useful!' _he thought as he went from shelf to shelf searching for the books call numbers.

After nearly thirty minutes of searching, he finally found the book. It was hidden in between two thick dust covered periodicals. It was as if someone placed it there to keep it from being discovered, though if they had done so, it must have been a while back because the book was just as dusty as the periodicals had been. _'Maybe Seifer put it there to keep it from getting checked out. He did mention a long time ago that he had misplaced the other Sorceress book and couldn't check anything else out until he found it. With the way he keeps house, I fully believe that he lost it.' _

He took the book to a reading table and switched on the lamp. Carefully wiping away dust, he silently prayed again that the book would contain something useful. He needed more to go on than just suspicions or crazy GF's who liked to invade his dreams. Sighing heavily, he opened the book and began to read.

**Excerpt from The Sorceresses, A Compilation of Theory and Fact**

Not much is widely known about the Sorceress, or how they get their power. Though there are many assumptions, most of which are based solely on superstition or legend. We will be discussing those assumptions as well as the known facts here within these pages.

Perhaps it would be best to begin with the known facts. The first known fact about the Sorceresses is that they must pass on their power to a new Sorceress. There is much speculation over whether or not the Sorceress chooses the woman or if she was predestined from birth to receive the powers, but whatever the reason, the Sorceress must pass on her powers before she dies. If she does not pass on her powers, the body the power resides in remains alive, as in the case of Sorceress Adel. But is unable to function. Meaning that the body is alive, but the brain has ceased all activity. The assumption is that the body will then attempt to pass on the powers by itself. This assumption carried enough weight that it was voted unanimously that no woman should ever be able to be near Adel, which is why an all male crew imprisoned her in space.

It is unknown whether the threat of another Sorceress "ascending" has been stopped.

The next fact is widely debated, but even the debate does not change the facts. All Sorceresses no matter how well intentioned they were in the beginning, have always ended up attempting to either destroy the world or enslave it. The reasoning behind this is the actual cause for the debate. It is the opinion of this author that the Sorceress is in control of the power she has been given in the beginning and depending on how often or how much of that power is used, is directly relevant to the growth of said power. The more the power is used, the less control the Sorceress has over it until it has all but consumed her. It again is this author's opinion that the power given to the Sorceress is unnatural and not meant for humans.

The next fact is that the power has always chosen women. This is an interesting fact, but no one knows why this is. Much speculation has occurred on this particular part of what we know to be true about Sorceresses, but the fact remains that we just do not have enough information to make educated guesses as to why this is.

That covers just about all the facts we do know about the Sorceress. So we will move on to the many speculations that there are floating around. We cannot begin to cover them all, so we have taken the liberty of culling out the more interesting opinions and have listed where we found these opinions, be it in a book or by person.

Probably the most interesting and compelling of these speculations are from Doctor Ernest Kincaid, a former researcher for Odine Industries. Doctor Kincaid speculates that the Sorceresses are actually possessed beings. The power that flows through them is what was left over from the creation of the Universe and that the Universe in which we live is only the physical representation of a Multiverse. He states that when Hyne created the Universe, he deposited some of his power into a different dimension of this Multiverse so that magic could be used by the human race. He also goes on to state that this part of Hyne's power was given intelligence so that it could replenish itself, creating a near inexhaustible supply of power. The Sorceresses found a way to steal control over this dimension, giving themselves the power of Hyne. He refused to elaborate further stating that "if he said more it would make him sound crazy."

The next speculation…

**End excerpt**

Squall closed the book with a thump. He had to find this Doctor Kincaid. Maybe Doctor Odine knew where he was. He used to work at Odine Industries, so maybe they kept some record of him.

He took the book up to the counter and signed the slip allowing the book to be taken from the library. He ignored the smiles he was getting from the girl and hurried out into the hallway.

He was almost to Garden's exit when he heard his name being called. He recognized Quistis's voice, but he was in too much of a hurry to care about that right now. He had to get to the Ragnarok and fly to Esthar. His quest was well on its way. The sooner it was finished the sooner he would have Seifer back in his arms.

**(End Chapter 21)**

A/N: I would like to give a special thank you to leonheartslover who gave me to incentive and the courage to continue with this story. Thanks Eddy, you are truly an inspiration!


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